A drum in your blood, hand touches,
the dark pink of her nipples—

hair that winds your wrists; she wants you
to run with her

through wet night leaves,
and you go

(04-16-2023, 10:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  A drum in your blood, hand touches,
the darkness of her nipples—     my only suggestion is to replace "darkness" with another word; darkness seems too vague; something tactile perhaps

hair that winds your wrists; she wants you
to run with her

through wet night leaves,
and you go

This is a very evocative poem, erotic and beautiful.  For me, nothing needs changing except "darkness of her nipples".  

I like the way it leaves the reader hanging at the end.

(04-16-2023, 09:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(04-16-2023, 10:33 AM)71degrees Wrote:  A drum in your blood, hand touches,
the darkness of her nipples—     my only suggestion is to replace "darkness" with another word; darkness seems too vague; something tactile perhaps

hair that winds your wrists; she wants you
to run with her

through wet night leaves,
and you go

This is a very evocative poem, erotic and beautiful.  For me, nothing needs changing except "darkness of her nipples".  

I like the way it leaves the reader hanging at the end.

A valid criticism. Her nipples were dark...but 'darkness' implies so much more unintended. Thank you and thank you for all your comments.

Edited version now posted.

Hi Tim-

The change to 'dark pink' was a good decision.

I stumble at 'hand touches', and wonder if you'd consider a slight change to 'hands touch'?

Unfortunately, I can’t un-think ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ when I read the title.

That said, I like good short poems like this one.
Mark

(04-18-2023, 04:30 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hi Tim-

The change to 'dark pink' was a good decision.

I stumble at 'hand touches', and wonder if you'd consider a slight change to 'hands touch'?

Unfortunately, I can’t un-think ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ when I read the title.

That said, I like good short poems like this one.
Mark

When we were kids, we always said, "Shitty, Shitty, Bang, Bang" to the girls, then laugh like hell.