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Cannabis
Under the contract
every evening I’m allowed to visit the clouds
where Devas dance for a quarter.
My keeper, she holds the tickets to the door
of my tin shack Nirvana,
teaches me the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
She is my tether against the lure of the sky
and to the before and after.
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(05-24-2022, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Under the Contract
every third day I visit the Cloud
where perception is a mirror and Delilah dances for a quarter.
The Keeper holds the tickets,
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
The Contract is my surrender
not to the Keeper, but to the before and after.
Very nice. I like the tone. Not much to say. Maybe a comma after the first contract and a period or semicolon after surrender.
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Hi Tim-
Not sure what you're going for here. Maybe it's a placeholder poem until words begin moving in a direction that I've come to expect from you. No pressure, just sayin...
Under the Contract good enough start
every third day I visit the Cloud still with you
where perception is a mirror and Delilah dances for a quarter. sounds like a porn site
The Keeper holds the tickets, This is where you lose me.
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water. Now I'm really lost.
The Contract is my surrender With the only context being "every third day", "the Contract" loses meaning/impact.
not to the Keeper, but to the before and after. Same with "the Keeper"
I will always keep reading your stuff, awaiting those poems that really hit me between the ears- maybe I just don't have the right ear for this one. Though I've read it several times, it always winds up wrapped up in vagueness.
Mark
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(05-25-2022, 05:45 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Tim-
Not sure what you're going for here. Maybe it's a placeholder poem until words begin moving in a direction that I've come to expect from you. No pressure, just sayin...
Under the Contract good enough start
every third day I visit the Cloud still with you
where perception is a mirror and Delilah dances for a quarter. sounds like a porn site
The Keeper holds the tickets, This is where you lose me.
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water. Now I'm really lost.
The Contract is my surrender With the only context being "every third day", "the Contract" loses meaning/impact.
not to the Keeper, but to the before and after. Same with "the Keeper"
I will always keep reading your stuff, awaiting those poems that really hit me between the ears- maybe I just don't have the right ear for this one. Though I've read it several times, it always winds up wrapped up in vagueness.
Mark
Thanks Mark. Vagueness is certainly not my goal here, so I clearly have some work to do. I was trying to keep it short. But more showing is called for.
Tim
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(05-24-2022, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Under the Contract here i feel like you are referring to perceived obligation to be online
every third day I visit the Cloud "the cloud" is the internet, not sure why every third day. Daily for me!
where perception is a mirror and Delilah dances for a quarter. Here I think you are referring to the fact that the internet is now designed to reflect you own views and satisfaction is cheap. If my interpretation is true, very nice.
The Keeper holds the tickets, Have to admit not sure who the keeper is but assume its the internet at large with access to the secrets exampled in the next line.
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
The Contract is my surrender
not to the Keeper, but to the before and after. This line does lose me a bit, though I like the feel of it. especially the before and after.
Hey Tranq,
Wanted to give you more specific feedback. Like I said before, I like it overall. Hope my comments help you hone it a bit more.
bryn
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(05-27-2022, 12:46 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: (05-24-2022, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Under the Contract here i feel like you are referring to perceived obligation to be online
every third day I visit the Cloud "the cloud" is the internet, not sure why every third day. Daily for me!
where perception is a mirror and Delilah dances for a quarter. Here I think you are referring to the fact that the internet is now designed to reflect you own views and satisfaction is cheap. If my interpretation is true, very nice.
The Keeper holds the tickets, Have to admit not sure who the keeper is but assume its the internet at large with access to the secrets exampled in the next line.
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
The Contract is my surrender
not to the Keeper, but to the before and after. This line does lose me a bit, though I like the feel of it. especially the before and after.
Hey Tranq,
Wanted to give you more specific feedback. Like I said before, I like it overall. Hope my comments help you hone it a bit more.
bryn
Thanks Bryn,
I pretty much missed the mark on this one. I misled the reader badly by using "the Cloud" which is not meant as an Internet reference. Much work to be done to get the poem to say what I "really" meant. Just to continue with "the Cloud", I meant something more along the lines of a temporary state of altered consciousness (drug-induced).
I was also playing with a Zen saying: "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."
Back to the drawing board, as they say.
TqB
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(05-24-2022, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Cannabis
Under the cannabis contract, I feel like the title can do the work here
every third day, I’m allowed to visit the clouds
where perception is a mirror and Devas dance for a quarter. Divas?
The keeper, she holds the tickets to my tin Nirvana, My Keeper? door?
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
She guards me against becoming untethered She is my tether against being(becoming)...
lost to the sky and to her for too long a time.
The contract is my surrender to a 40 year old love,
to the keeper, and to the before and after.
Ah! Funny how the poem might work both ways, drugs or internet. Maybe there is a poem somewhere about that. I have posted some general comments above.
bryn
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(05-28-2022, 12:35 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [quote="TranquillityBase" pid='259790' dateline='1653398084']
Cannabis
Under the cannabis contract, I feel like the title can do the work here
every third day, I’m allowed to visit the clouds
where perception is a mirror and Devas dance for a quarter. Divas?
The keeper, she holds the tickets to my tin Nirvana, My Keeper? door?
the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
She guards me against becoming untethered She is my tether against being(becoming)...
lost to the sky and to her for too long a time.
The contract is my surrender to a 40 year old love,
to the keeper, and to the before and after.
Ah! Funny how the poem might work both ways, drugs or internet. Maybe there is a poem somewhere about that. I have posted some general comments above.
bryn
Thanks again Bryn. Devas are "celestial beings who share the god-like characteristics of being more powerful, longer-lived, and, in general, much happier than humans, although the same level of veneration is not paid to them as to Buddhas." But I made the other edits that you suggest.
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(05-24-2022, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Cannabis
Under the contract
every third day I’m allowed to visit the clouds
where perception is a mirror and Devas dance for a quarter.
My keeper, she holds the tickets to the door
of my tin shack Nirvana. I don't think you need to be specific here
She also holds the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water. Maybe something like "where I search for" or "where I practice"
She is my tether against becoming lost
to the sky and to her for too long.
The contract is my surrender to a 40 year love,
to the keeper, and to the before and after.
TqB,
I've made some additional suggestions in the middle where it feels a little awkward. I wrote out some of my ideas but you know what you are looking for.
best,
bryn
PS thanks for your comment on Daffodils.
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(05-28-2022, 01:15 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: [quote="TranquillityBase" pid='259790' dateline='1653398084']
Cannabis
Under the contract
every third day I’m allowed to visit the clouds
where perception is a mirror and Devas dance for a quarter.
My keeper, she holds the tickets to the door
of my tin shack Nirvana. I don't think you need to be specific here
She also holds the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water. Maybe something like "where I search for" or "where I practice"
She is my tether against becoming lost
to the sky and to her for too long.
The contract is my surrender to a 40 year love,
to the keeper, and to the before and after.
TqB,
I've made some additional suggestions in the middle where it feels a little awkward. I wrote out some of my ideas but you know what you are looking for.
best,
bryn
PS thanks for your comment on Daffodils.
Thanks Bryn. I've updated it. Sort of stuck on tin shack. I wanted to strees the aritificiality/low rent nature of drug altered consciousness compared to the essentials of living, whether enlightened or not.
Posts: 411
Threads: 59
Joined: May 2022
(05-24-2022, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Cannabis
Under the contract
every evening I’m allowed to visit the clouds
where Devas dance for a quarter.
My keeper, she holds the tickets to the door
of my tin shack Nirvana,
teaches me the secrets of chopping wood, drawing water.
She is my tether against the lure of the sky
and to the before and after.
Hey TqB,
I like this version. It's tighter, but I miss a few things. The most is the "40 yr love" line. I had another thought about the chopping wood thing but you got rid of the 3rd day line. It was basically something like..."on the second and fourth day she has me chop wood and carry water." Felt like it tied in better with the zen quote you told me about. I also agree with you about the tin shack. I know these endless edits can be exhausting so go with what feels right to you.
best,
bryn
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