Photos
wrinkled by oil.
Peeled back faces;
distended jaw
fogging them.


Flicking to cinders
one by one.
Silver love
pops in the hearth.

(05-26-2022, 12:45 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  

Photos
wrinkled by oil.
Peeled back faces;
distended jaw
fogging them.


Flicking to cinders
one by one.
Silver love
pops in the hearth.

Everything works for me except the jaw....fogging them.  Do you mean "smoking them", the object being on a fire in next stanza.

Just a thought.  If you feel fogging is the right word, go for it.

TqB

(05-26-2022, 01:07 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  

(05-26-2022, 12:45 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  

Photos
wrinkled by oil.
Peeled back faces;
distended jaw
fogging them.


Flicking to cinders
one by one.
Silver love
pops in the hearth.

Everything works for me except the jaw....fogging them.  Do you mean "smoking them", the object being on a fire in next stanza.

Just a thought.  If you feel fogging is the right word, go for it.

TqB

text ended up small in an area,
what I was trying to convey was the main character looking through photos
and flicking them into the fire.

(05-26-2022, 02:30 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  text ended up small in an area,
what I was trying to convey was the main character looking through photos
and flicking them into the fire.

what about changing the title, getting "photograph" in there somewhere?  If that is what you want people to get.

i had a very different vision when reading the poem, involving skulls on a fire.