The crooked place
where go moves immaculately forward 
while no go retreats.

Outside, the dog barks against the cold.
My mind finds liberation 
in definition.  I turn to my winter-count:  
the roots of words,
a son’s ghost, and a time before go, 
even before no go. 

It’s an even orbit and a soft landing,
this circling of words
that defy the robot go/no go.

(01-24-2022, 03:10 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  The crooked place
where go moves immaculately forward 
while no go retreats.

Outside the dog barks against the cold. comma after "outside"
My mind finds liberation 
in definition.  I turn to my winter-count:  
the roots of words,
a son’s ghost, and a time before go, 
even before no go. 

It’s an even orbit and a soft landing,
this circling of words
that defy the robot go/no go.

I like that this feels both organic and mechanical at the same time. I think "Go" and "No Go" should be capitalized or in italics - would add clarity starting in L2. ( I took a second to remind myself that go was a noun here) Caps might smooth the read.

(01-24-2022, 07:13 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  I like that this feels both organic and mechanical at the same time. I think "Go" and "No Go" should be capitalized or in italics - would add clarity starting in L2. ( I took a second to remind myself that go was a noun here) Caps might smooth the read.

Thanks Tiger.  I had them italicized at one point.  Comma noted too.

Hey Tim-
I know this is MISC, still, some in-line comments:

The crooked place
where go moves immaculately forward
while no go retreats. 
Maybe ?: 
It's a crooked place
where go meets no go

Outside, the dog barks against the cold. I like this line.  Perhaps expand on it?
My mind finds liberation
in definition.  I turn to my winter-count: 
the roots of words,
a son’s ghost, and strike "and"? line break at ghost?
a time before go,
even before no go. you could end it right here and I'd be fine

It’s an even orbit and a soft landing,
this circling of words
that defy the robot go/no go. maybe "robotic"? S.3 as a whole is too abstract, and lets me down.  Too soft of a landing.

Mark

(01-25-2022, 12:01 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote:  Hey Tim-
I know this is MISC, still, some in-line comments:

The crooked place
where go moves immaculately forward
while no go retreats. 
Maybe ?: 
It's a crooked place
where go meets no go              

Outside, the dog barks against the cold. I like this line.  Perhaps expand on it?
My mind finds liberation
in definition.  I turn to my winter-count: 
the roots of words,
a son’s ghost, and strike "and"? line break at ghost?
a time before go,
even before no go. you could end it right here and I'd be fine

It’s an even orbit and a soft landing,
this circling of words
that defy the robot go/no go. maybe "robotic"? S.3 as a whole is too abstract, and lets me down.  Too soft of a landing.

Mark

Good suggestions all.  I want to actually work more into S. 1, about the "meeting" of the two.  I originally was going to end where you suggested, but it felt lacking a needed circle back.  Thanks for the notes.