Slurp gurgle burp. 
Slip flop slap.
Plunging in the toxic river.
Falling with a clap.
 
Velvet maze.
Crimson haze.
No escape in sight.
Warts and all.
Waterfall.
Candescent yellow light.
 
Whirlpools sucking down.
Bones cascading in the soup.
Pores pouring out more sludge.
Washing down the bend, make a loop.
 
Sizzle hiss pop.
Crackle fizz snap.
Churning bile.
Dissolved away.
 
Absorbed into the walls.
Into the pungent brine a new victim falls.
And the process begins once more.

The last word of the poem could be again in the stead of more.

Your poems appear to work through progressions. A cyclical mix.

Body. World. Dare?, Society.
A kind of incongruent digestion. Burbling up the reflux.
A headache on the street. Cloverfield.
Tell me if I'm wrong.

(09-27-2021, 03:23 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote:  Slurp gurgle burp. 
Slip flop slap.
Plunging in the toxic river.
Falling with a clap. 
 
Velvet maze.
Crimson haze.
No escape in sight.
Warts and all. -- cliche
Waterfall. -- you could make a line break between water and fall if you wanted to be either clever or pretentious about it
Candescent yellow light. 
 
Whirlpools sucking down.
Bones cascading in the soup.  -- Cascading into? "In the soup" is more like a simmering, bubbling. The motion could be circular as in stirring, but not downward. 
Pores pouring out more sludge.
Washing down the bend, make a loop. -- make is a weak verb here
 
Sizzle hiss pop.
Crackle fizz snap.
Churning bile.
Dissolved away. 
 
Absorbed into the walls.
Into the pungent brine again a new victim falls. -- don't like the placement of 'again.' The natural, grammatical order is only mixed up for the end rhyme. I don't even think you need 'again' because you specify that the process repeats in the next line. 
And the process begins once more.

I don't mind a bit of vagueness in poems that are mostly about the sonics (to a point, and I think this piece could use a little more in the way of narrative). However, your sonics are all broken up and choppy because of the copious periods. It slows the pace of reading to a crawl, and doesn't let the words flow together. And this is odd to me because of all the water/liquid imagery. 

Good luck with the piece. 

Lizzie

(09-27-2021, 11:59 AM)rowens Wrote:  The last word of the poem could be again in the stead of more.

Your poems appear to work through progressions. A cyclical mix.

Body. World. Dare?, Society.
A kind of incongruent digestion. Burbling up the reflux.
A headache on the street. Cloverfield.
Tell me if I'm wrong.

Burbling is an apt word, maybe I'll shoehorn that into my poem.
I build my stories from the ground up, without any strict structural guide, so each stanza has somewhat of a stage leading to another as I build my frankenstein creation.

I think you have an imagination that words cannot yet contain.

The end shows you know the rhythm of how to end a poem. But it comes off as though you're going too fast.


I don't know.



You may know what you're doing.
But I say:
Try drawing out sentences. The repetitive sentence fragments are holding you back.