As Custom Is


I met another man
at our mailbox cluster
and we both gestured
mumbling “Go ahead” as custom is.

So without jostling
we said “Thanks,” “No prob,”
“Have a good one,”
he addressing me as “brother”
and I him as “sir.”

Then we went our ways
each self-satisfied
though he knew perfectly
that I was not his brother
and I had my doubts
he was a gentleman
and both of us had really
wanted to go first.

This is great, just experienced this with an 'excuse me', I love the middle sections quotations, then slight delay, I would probably change 'mailbox complex' I think I get it what it is, but it might sound better as 'collective' applied to apartments, hotels, condos, just an idea. The 'anothrr man' at the beginning adds a different dynamic to the poem being gender specific, I wonder how two women at the mailbox might behave didferently

.
Hi duke,
like the idea but the ending doesn't quite satisfy (though that may just be the phrasing) - I thought the 'gentleman' line was funnier and maybe might make a better finale?


Wanting to go First


Meeting another man ............... great opening (and intriguing when read as a run on from the title).
....


Alternatively


At the Mailboxes


exchanging 'go aheads'
as is the custom.
both of us really
wanting to go first.

After a slight delay ...

we get our mail
in one order or the other ................... seems a bit to blasé, given 'want to go first'. You know who went first! And the 'he was no gentleman' suggests it was him. Might be best to cut it.
say our 'thank yous'
and 'no probs'
swap 'have a good ones'


he calls be 'bro'
I call him 'sir'
we go our separate ways ........... too cliché? Not sure.
as is the custom
for we don't know
each other's names. ......................... think you could probably cut this, it's implied by s1.

After a slight delay

each self satisfied ...................... not sure about this, given 'want to go first'

although he knew full well
that I was not his brother
and I had my doubts
that he was a gentleman


Best, Knot


.

(08-30-2021, 10:01 PM)dukealien Wrote:  As Custom Is


I met another man
at my mailbox complex
and we both gestured
mumbling “Go ahead” as custom is.

After slight delay...

as we got our mail
in one order or the other
we said “Thanks” and “No prob”
and “Have a good one”
he addressing me as “brother”
and I him as “sir”
since we didn’t know each other’s names.

Then we went our ways
each self-satisfied
although he knew full well
that I was not his brother
and I had my doubts
he was a gentleman
and both of us had really
wanted to go first.

Basic crit for a basic poem, but comments on content welcome, too.

I also like C.'s idea for a different phrase desbribing a group mailbox.  P.O.'s official name is "cluster mailbox".  Although that brings up other clusters that maybe we don't want to echo in our mind.

I simply suggest a few cuts as well.  I don't think the "slight delay" works, it's like a stage direction in the middle of the poem.

Hey Duke, I always like poems about the everyday. This is well done but I agree you can cut some. I'll do my best not to impose.

(08-30-2021, 10:01 PM)dukealien Wrote:  As Custom Is


I met another man
at my mailbox complex "at the mailboxes" might be simpler unless mailbox complex is a common term I'm unaware of. Sounds clunky either way
and we both gestured
mumbling “Go ahead” as custom is.

After slight delay...

as we got our mail
in one order or the other
we said “Thanks” and “No prob”  -- if you cut what's in bold you wouldn't lose much. Leaves you with a short, sharp exchange
and “Have a good one”
he addressing me as “brother”
and I him as “sir” I love this line. Perfect grammar that most people can't even get their tongues around anymore. Goes to character.
since we didn’t know each other’s names.

Then we went our ways
each self-satisfied
although he knew full well "quite well" might sound less cliche, and a little more ironically pompous, haha
that I was not his brother
and I had my doubts
he was a gentleman
and both of us had really
wanted to go first. I think the last strophe is strong as is, "full" was really not a hiccup.

Basic crit for a basic poem, but comments on content welcome, too.

edit1;

I met another man
at our mailbox cluster
and we both gestured
mumbling “Go ahead” as custom is.

So without jostling
we said “Thanks,” “No prob,”
“Have a good one,”
he addressing me as “brother”
and I him as “sir.”

Then we went our ways
each self-satisfied
though he knew perfectly
that I was not his brother
and I had my doubts
he was a gentleman
and both of us had really
wanted to go first.

---

Thanks to all the critics - great having many to quadrangulate.  Thought about "kiosk" for the mailbox complex, but it has no roof.  Used to have one in a sort of cabana, but no more... heigh, ho, the wind and the rain.

 .
Hi duke,
inching, rather than leaping and bounding, but going in the right direction nonetheless. I think the third verse needs tightening, do you need its first two lines? Also, 'cluster' - no-one seems to know quite what you mean, so would it make sense if it were 'mailboxes' - everyone thinks they know what that means (whether right or not) and it wouldn't interrupt the reading. Alternatively, maybe say where the 'cluster' is (duplex, buildings, apartment, whatever)?

('addressed' given 'said'?)



As Custom Is


I met another man
at the mailboxes
and we both gestured
Go ahead ................................... why "" if a 'gesture'?
as custom is

mumbling
“Thanks,” “No prob,”
and “Have a good one,”
each in turn.
He addressing me as “brother”

and I him as “sir.”
though he knew full well
I was not his brother
and I had my doubts
about him being a gentleman

and both of us had really ............ the enjambment 'spoils' the ending.
wanted to go first. ..................... why? What kind of small victory does it represent?



Best, Knot


.

I can relate to this. I think we all can.. It reminds me of all the awkward situations I find myself in when dealing with other people. Forced to be decent when really all you want is to get your damn mail.