It's selfish to taste your morning 
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego

I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here

When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic 
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on



( I have not been here in quite some time. Years in fact. Yet, still I write in code... Have I learned nothing? I find it difficult to give too much away. Please be easy on me, I want to work on this one but I am just not sure what to add or remove. If it helps, my father was a child molester. I am not sure that easily is seen here. Thank you all for being here)

Hi again Tmanzano
As a fellow writer in code, I can't fault you for that.  As you say, this poem has a lot for the reader to unlock.



It's selfish to taste your morning 
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies     this whole line is a bit awkward to me; it's actually a little too plain next to the other excellent lines in the stanza; I think you should make the molestation less in plain sight
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego     very effective image

I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles              this is a strongly packed image but I can't quite get how you would "masturbate old age"   
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here

When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic 
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on       i think this is a very good final stanza


All in all, you are too hard on yourself on the code business.  Not that this is a simple poem by any means.

p.s. not crazy about the title

(04-21-2021, 09:55 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  Hi again Tmanzano
As a fellow writer in code, I can't fault you for that.  As you say, this poem has a lot for the reader to unlock.



It's selfish to taste your morning 
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies     this whole line is a bit awkward to me; it's actually a little too plain next to the other excellent lines in the stanza; I think you should make the molestation less in plain sight
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego     very effective image

I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles              this is a strongly packed image but I can't quite get how you would "masturbate old age"   
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here

When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic 
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on       i think this is a very good final stanza


All in all, you are too hard on yourself on the code business.  Not that this is a simple poem by any means.

p.s. not crazy about the title

Wonderful suggestions. I have sat on this poem for a few years. What is interesting about your comment about being “too plain” is so true. This is the line I struggled with and continue to struggle with to convey the subject without being to obvious or limiting.  I am now going to ruminate on this. It needs a stinging line here. Thank you so much for reinforcing this for me. I will make the necessary change in the second stanza. Good catch. 

Thank you. Also, you are killing me on the title. I will promise to rethink it. Maybe there is where I can unveil a bit more about the subject? Hmmm... ok, I am a little charged here.

(04-21-2021, 07:54 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  It's selfish to taste your morning 
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies (Why babies? What is the significance of them?)
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego (Very nice image, well done here!)

I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here (Unusual image, I don't quite get it.)

When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic 
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on (Great ending! Nice one!)



( I have not been here in quite some time. Years in fact. Yet, still I write in code... Have I learned nothing? I find it difficult to give too much away. Please be easy on me, I want to work on this one but I am just not sure what to add or remove. If it helps, my father was a child molester. I am not sure that easily is seen here. Thank you all for being here)

I think I get the ending, it was also nice by the way but I feel that the rest of the strophes are rather confusing for me. Anyway, thanks for sharing!

(04-21-2021, 10:28 AM)Majestic Sun Wrote:  

(04-21-2021, 07:54 AM)tmanzano Wrote:  It's selfish to taste your morning 
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies (Why babies? What is the significance of them?)
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego (Very nice image, well done here!)

I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here (Unusual image, I don't quite get it.)

When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic 
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on (Great ending! Nice one!)



( I have not been here in quite some time. Years in fact. Yet, still I write in code... Have I learned nothing? I find it difficult to give too much away. Please be easy on me, I want to work on this one but I am just not sure what to add or remove. If it helps, my father was a child molester. I am not sure that easily is seen here. Thank you all for being here)

I think I get the ending, it was also nice by the way but I feel that the rest of the strophes are rather confusing for me. Anyway, thanks for sharing!

Thank you for your comments. Gets me closer to what needs to be corrected. I need to re-work and these comments get me closer.

me again.  title is really quite apt.  just that it's such a common phrase, i think that's my gripe.  i'm new to doing these critiques.

p.s. i think you will get more comments.  give it a few days.