Papa’s got the sunset blues
Tranquillity Base, my candle’s almost gone,

So the Song  begins.
But Lalan says,
“Lalan has a heart like bamboo,
Empty of love.”

Tranquillity Base,
Yes, this must be the place.

One night of absolutely untainted bliss,
of course I wanted more of this.
That said No and sent me on my woeful way,
my sin of sins was expectation.

Tranquillity Base,
I’m almost out of outer space.

“It’s all bullshit,” was all I ever heard Aphrodite say
Until I heard her sigh, “We will talk about it some day.” 

Tranquillity Base,
love is all the air that’s left.

“There might be a little blood down there,”
said the Queen to the drunken fly.

Or as a rabbi’s daughter said to me,
“We probably will.”
Magayna, dark princess, called me out 
into the early spring nights,
there were a few embraces, I remember no kiss, 
only her laughter against my loins on the first night,
“I’m going to teach poor people to love America”,
Our first incarnation as Krishna and Radha.

But I failed as a worshipper until I sought her out a second time.
She told me of her life, of her lovers,
she wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care if she slept with other men.
I don’t think I ever heard the word love come into it.

I wrote her name in Hebrew on an Oregon beach, took a picture,
but it was too late.

Tranquillity Base,
Yes, this must be the place.

And these may be the last breaths I take
Of all the love that’s left.


*this is the title, as well as the username i chose when i first joined Pig Pen, just to prevent any confusion about that

.
Hi TqB,
I don't understand this, which isn't necessarily a problem, but I'm having a hard time following it because of its form (or lack thereof). It reads as a song lyric (of course I'm thinking Bowie) that's freed itself from its music and singer and is wandering all over the place. I think something more formal (or just simply regular) would suit it better.


Some notes to be going on with,

don't think repeating the name works, why not
Lalan says,
“My heart is like bamboo,
Empty of love.”

One night's of absolutely untainted bliss,
of course I wanted more of this.
That said but No and sent me on my woeful way,
my sin of sins was expectation. (sins were?)

“It’s all bullshit,” was all I ever heard Aphrodite say
all then all, cut one.

“There might be a little blood down there,”
said the Queen to the drunken fly.
--------------------------------------------------------did something go missing here? If not, why the gap?
Or as a rabbi’s daughter said to me,
“We probably will.”

bullshit then loins seem like too different (clashing?) tones.

Ending on this must be the place works (I think) the current ending is a bit heavy handed.

But you could though move the final couplet up and make it the second verse, giving

Papa’s got the sunset blues
Tranquillity Base, my candle’s almost gone,

And these may be the last breaths
I take Of all the love that’s left.

So the Song begins.



Hope this helps.


Best, Knot



.

Thanks for yet another read and your suggestions.  I've implemented several.  Although this poem was meant to stand alone, it's actually the beginning of a series, so the gaps are filled in as poems add up.  

Papa’s got the sunset blues
Tranquillity Base, my candle’s almost gone,
and these may be the last breaths I take
of all the love that’s left.

So the Song  begins.
Lalan says,
“My heart is like bamboo,
empty of love.”

Tranquillity Base,
Yes, this must be the place.

One night of untainted bliss,
of course I wanted more of this.
No sent me on my way,
my sin was expectation.

Tranquillity Base,
I’m almost out of outer space.

“It’s all bullshit,” was all I ever heard Aphrodite say
Until I heard her sigh, “We will talk about it some day.” 

Tranquillity Base,
love is all the air that’s left.

“There might be a little blood down there,”
said the Queen to the drunken fly.

Or as a rabbi’s daughter once said to me,
“We probably will.”
Magayna, dark princess, called me out 
into the early spring nights,
there were a few embraces, I remember no kiss, 
only her laughter against my loins on the first night,
“I’m going to teach poor people to love America”,
Our first incarnation as Krishna and Radha.

But I failed as a worshipper until I sought her out a second time.
She told me of her life, of her lovers,
she wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care if she slept with other men.
I don’t think I ever heard the word love come into it.

I wrote her name in Hebrew on an Oregon beach, took a picture,
But it was too late.

Tranquillity Base,
Yes, this must be the place.

(02-27-2021, 10:14 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  Papa’s got the sunset blues
Tranquillity Base, my candle’s almost gone,                     This evokes the authority and presence of Dark Star
Dar
So the Song  begins.
But Lalan says,
“Lalan has a heart like bamboo,
Empty of love.”                                                     An evocative and intriguing metaphor, bamboo grows everywhere, perhaps also the loveless moon

Tranquillity Base,
Yes, this must be the place.                                   Sing Song choral phrasing is ironically self-affirming

One night of absolutely untainted bliss,                  The discrepancy betwixt love and sensation invites a moral critique, which you - satisfactorily  end the                                                                               poem with
of course I wanted more of this.
That said No and sent me on my woeful way,
my sin of sins was expectation.                                                       

Tranquillity Base,
I’m almost out of outer space.

“It’s all bullshit,” was all I ever heard Aphrodite say                  To hear a Divinity swearing in common utterance is refreshing
Until I heard her sigh, “We will talk about it some day.”           - this is the singularly most intriguing and promising line of the poem

Tranquillity Base,
love is all the air that’s left.

“There might be a little blood down there,”
said the Queen to the drunken fly.

Or as a rabbi’s daughter said to me,
“We probably will.”                                                          The line is full of ennui, boredom, hubris, even bitterness
Magayna, dark princess, called me out 
into the early spring nights,                                             YOU SHOULD END THE STANZA HERE, THIS WOULD JUSTIFY THE BREAK IN THE NEXT                                                                                                   STANZA, as such

there were a few embraces, I remember no kiss, 
only her laughter against my loins on the first night,
“I’m going to teach poor people to love America”,                 All of this reminds me of Philip Roth and his affection, in American Pastoral, for the B'nai B'rith
Our first incarnation as Krishna and Radha.

But I failed as a worshipper until I sought her out a second time.            
She told me of her life, of her lovers,
she wanted to live in a house on a beach in Oregon
with a man who didn’t care if she slept with other men.
I don’t think I ever heard the word love come into it.

I wrote her name in Hebrew on an Oregon beach, took a picture,
but it was too late.                                                                         the poem becomes a moral tale, without hidden meaning, can you draw the poem                                                                                                         out in order to conceal the mystery of this encounter with                                                                                                                                            this "dark princess"   perhaps a reference to Ryder Haggard would add another layer                                                                                                      of mythopaeic complexity

Tranquillity Base,
Yes, this must be the place.

And these may be the last breaths I take
Of all the love that’s left.                                                             on the whole a morally challenging and edifying work and effort, regards


*this is the title, as well as the username i chose when i first joined Pig Pen, just to prevent any confusion about that

This poem is moving (with permission) to the thread “Plain Songs From Tranquility Base.”  To maintain continuity and so that those who are following the poem’s progress can continue to do so, a link will be provided here to the new location. 

Please post all future responses to this poem in the new location:  
[/url][url=http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-23403-post-252751.html#pid252751]http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-23403-post-252751.html#pid252751

Thank you
—Quix