Olive of an earth 
with smoldering red center,
what does it mean
to always be growing?
The top shelf
weighing over the bottom.

Gardens avalanche
out of our arms.
Snail shells spiral 
out eternally.
We each keep our own labyrinth.
Knee deep in a generous world 
seeping in its own corpses.
Every Autumn 
smells like brown bugs,
and not changing
becomes its own breed of change.

.

Hi Miley,
enjoyed the read, the second stanza more than the first. (Could you stand to cut S1 entirely
and begin with the much more engaging 'Gardens avalanche out of our arms'?)

Gardens avalanche out of our arms
snail shells spiral out eternally
(any way to avoid the repetition of out?)

Knee deep in a generous world
we each keep out own labyrinth

Seeping in its own corpses
Every Autumn smells like brown bugs
(Seeping in its own corpses doesn't make much sense, though I liked the deep/keep/seep thread
but Every Autumn smells like brown bugs is a terrific line)

and not changing becomes
its own breed of change.
(I think it just falls at the last.
Breed seems out of place in a gardening context, and the repetition of change doesn't work, for me)


Alternatively

Every Autumn smells like brown bugs
snail shells spiral out eternally

Knee deep in a generous world
Gardens avalanche from our hands

we each keep out own labyrinth
Seeping in its own corpses

and not changing becomes
its own breed of change.



Best, Knot


.

My 2 cents:

Olive of an earth   take out "an"
with smoldering red center,
what does it mean
to always be growing?
The top shelf
weighing over the bottom.  I don't really get this line's meaning, and maybe it could be cut.

Gardens avalanche
out of our arms.
Snail shells spiral 
out eternally.
We each keep our own labyrinth.
Knee deep in a generous world 
seeping in its own corpses.     shouldn't the corpses be doing the seeping?
Every Autumn 
smells like brown bugs,
and not changing
becomes its own breed of change.  this is a strong ending.  But for some reason, I want to add another stanza, bringing us back to the Earth as a whole.

(02-26-2021, 01:41 PM)Miley Wrote:  Olive of an earth (Take out "an")
with smoldering red center, (Nice image!)
what does it mean
to always be growing?
The top shelf
weighing over the bottom. (I like the question before this and also the example of the rhetoric question)

Gardens avalanche (Avalanche is an awkward word, it doesn't suit this poem, , seems like a good metaphor though, perhaps say cascade than anything)
out of our arms.
Snail shells spiral 
out eternally. (Instead of out say "about" that works!)
We each keep our own labyrinth.
Knee deep in a generous world (Needs an image before world, say gorgeous earth or green earth, something like that)
seeping in its own corpses.
Every Autumn 
smells like brown bugs, (What do these brown bugs look like, are they ants, grasshoppers, what?)
and not changing
becomes its own breed of change.

Anyway this poem is interesting and has some nice poetic elements, poetic devices, I.E metaphors, similes, those things.