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Little sailboat moored
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed
and wind seldom blows across this mirror.
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause -
floating in aged circles, recalling
the whispers of the Mediterranean.
Now you're lost
between mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr
will ever carry you back.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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(05-27-2019, 01:10 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Little sailboat, moored is comma necessary here?
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed
and winds don't ever blow across this mirror. nice image, but problematic since any outdoor lake will experience a little wind from time to time.
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause - "pause" is a very good, unexpected word here. have my doubts about "stagnant" though
floating in aged circles and always begging perhaps replace "and" with a comma?
for whispering woods of the old Mediterranean. "the" seems to break the rhythm, but I have no suggestion to improve it
Now you're lost
between these mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr will lovely sentiment, but could "will" go on the next line instead?
ever carry you back.
Couldn't help thinking of Joshua Slocum's "Spray" after "epic tour," but the Spray was lost in 1909. Perhaps a similar boat.
In moderate critique, perhaps some of the above are overboard (g), but hope one or two may be helpful.
A gentle, nostalgic work - I like it. Thanks for posting!
 Non-practicing atheist
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nice little poem but feels wordy in places.
(05-27-2019, 01:10 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Little sailboat, moored no comma needed. i like this line, it infers the sailboat is alive in some way.
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed i see you're going for alliteration but man made lake feels weak, can it be said better some other way?
and winds don't ever blow across this mirror.
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause - nice line ending and created a lethargy about the lake.
floating in aged circles and always begging
for whispering woods of the old Mediterranean. i can't make this line work, i could if it was a log cabin
Now you're lost
between these mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr will [will] feels awkward here.
ever carry you back.
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Threw up a quick edit to remedy some obvious issues. Thanks duke and billy for the input.
-Removed comma in first line
-Trimmed ever so slightly, only the words I'm certain required it (Lines 6, 7, and 9)
-Moved "will" to final line (I don't know why it wasn't there, I thought that's where I broke the line. woops)
-Adjusted some wording (Lines 3 and 6)
I'm sure there's more to do, but these seemed obvious to me, so I wanted to take of care of them now.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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Excellent edits (#1). Good solution to (now) L7, but could the initial "the" (in "the whispers of the Mediterranean") be cut?
Just out of curiosity, and you needn't answer, was this inspired by an actual boat you saw pictured or personally, or an imagined scene?
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For now I need that initial "the" because the whispers in question are a specific reference.
Several years ago I took a vacation in Maine and stayed at a house on a man-made lake. I took a picture of a sailboat that was sitting on the lake, and appeared to have been there for a long time. That set the scene, and the sailboat was quickly personified to create a central metaphor.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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good edit reads much better now. i think you could still lose an odd word here and there which would tighten it up
(05-27-2019, 01:10 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Little sailboat moored
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed
and wind seldom blows across this mirror.
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause -
floating in aged circles, recalling
the whispers of the Mediterranean. much better.
Now you're lost
between mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr
will ever carry you back.
Posts: 702
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi UB,
the revision is a definite improvement, though I agree with billy,
there's still room to do some pruning (in addition to those he
mentioned). Have you thought of splitting it up into three line
verses?
Little Sailboat
- I think you could give some thought to the title, especially
as it is repeated immediately in the opening line. Or cut
'little sailboat' from L1 and describe it. (Do you happen to
know the type of sailboat?)
Little sailboat moored
in man-made lake, your sail is stowed
- happy to be corrected, but should it be 'on a' rather than 'in'?
(you could cut 'your', saving the reveal until L4).
and wind seldom blows across this mirror.
- don't think the 'and' works. Maybe 'the' or 'for'
(depending on why the sail is stowed)
You could argue that 'mirror' is implied by 'man-made lake'
and 'wind seldom blows', in which case do you need it, or
is there something better available?
Though you once boasted of an epic tour,
- 'epic tour' is a bit weak, given the Med wouldn't the
boast be of an odyssey? Or the tour 'grand' ?
you’ve retired to this stagnant body’s pause -
- might be more interesting without 'pause'.
floating in aged circles, recalling
- perhaps 'to float' ? Would a 'moored' boat float
in circles'? (Especially if there's no wind) Any way to get
'Maine' into the piece, or would it distract/detract?
the whispers of the Mediterranean.
Now you're lost
between mute pines,
praying for a breeze to chase
- maybe 'longing' for 'praying'?
or wave to crest, but no rogue zephyr
- 'a wave' rather than 'or wave' ?
will ever carry you back.
- good ending, but I think 'no rogue zephyr' lets
it down. It's just a repeat of 'breeze'. Might be worth
looking at rephrasing some of the end lines to reflect,
more particularly, the sailboat.
Just a suggestion
longing for your sails to fill,
to bear away, but no ocean swell
will ever carry you back.
Best, Knot.
.
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