Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree

Lights obey a timer,
yet the angel rules
over plastic branches;
its freshly painted halo
easily overlooked
among late arrivals,
early checkouts.

I'd like to think
you'd notice too,
complain how they
should have used a star-
your impromptu sermon
ignored by everyone
but me.

Hi Richard,
poem of two halves, I think,
with S1 being much the stronger.

Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree
- good title, though looks a bit too long.

Easily overlooked
- maybe 'ignored' for 'overlooked?
among late arrivals,
early checkouts.
Lights obey a timer,
- you might cut this line
(to me it seems to just get
in the way).
while an aged angel
- 'aged' doesn't do enough, I think
(maybe 'tired'?).
is crooked, burned out,
- the idea is good, but I don't think
you quite captured it, yet. (The
problem might be 'crooked').
but its halo freshly painted.
- 'her' for 'its'?

I think S1 could be presented as
two stanzas:

Easily overlooked
among late arrivals,
early checkouts.

a [fallen] angel
[shop worn], burned out,
[her] halo freshly painted.

I don't think you need the second
stanza. It's very flat (linguistically)
and it rather undercuts the scene
you set in S1.

Best, Knot.

.

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Will give the second stanza some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

(12-24-2018, 04:58 AM)Richard Wrote:  Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree

Easily overlooked
among late arrivals,
early checkouts.
Lights obey a timer,
while an aged angel
is crooked, burned out,
but its halo freshly painted.

hi. I rather like the idea of a lonesome hotel lobby christmas tree. It’s quite a powerful image, yet id never noticed how lonesome it looks till now, with this poem. You’ve got a great starting point you have found, i think. An idea you might want to (or not) work is is that most hotel tres are also fake and cheep. I’m not getting the freshly painted halo. I’m picturing a motel six or america’s best value inn, you know, the cheap ones... looks like you were going for a subtle contrast but i’m not getting it from the last line here.

I'd like to think
you'd notice too:
stop, smile,
whisper some words
just loud enough
so you feel a little less alone.

maybe cut the last line there. This stanza is interesting enough for me, but the poem just seems to fall a little flat. Can’t quite put my finger on it. I can feel the lonesome christmas tree but not the sense of redemption. Could be me. I think the idea of putting the christmas tree (loneliness) away til next christmas could be interesting, more, but maybe that’s a different poem.

i like it but i have one nit and it's a biggy. i think it would be better if you anthropomorphized the tree. give a sentient feeling of being alone.
as it is the poem lacks enough depth or emotion. the last stanza works as though it's the tree talking and that for me is the strongest part of the poem.

(12-24-2018, 04:58 AM)Richard Wrote:  Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree

Easily overlooked
among late arrivals,
early checkouts.
Lights obey a timer,
while an aged angel
is crooked, burned out,
but its halo freshly painted.

I'd like to think
you'd notice too:
stop, smile,
whisper some words
just loud enough
so you feel a little less alone.

Hey Xlateralus and billy,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me some points to think about. I especially, like your suggestions about the second stanza.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hi Richard,
Been meaning to visit my thoughts on this poem for a while. Those thoughts are below. All in all it's a good read.

(12-24-2018, 04:58 AM)Richard Wrote:  Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree

Easily overlooked
among late arrivals, "and" instead of comma?
early checkouts.
Lights obey a timer, I don't think a comma is needed here. I get the purpose that the first three lines serve, but I feel like the poem should open here. While the first three lines are not bad, they're just absent of imagery. Maybe you could work something with lights obeying a timer and the tree being easily overlooked bc of late check-ins and early check-outs?
while an aged angel
is crooked, burned out,
but its halo freshly painted.

I'd like to think
you'd notice too:
stop, smile,
whisper some words
just loud enough
so you feel a little less alone.

I feel like the "you" is another person who is admiring the sad state of the tree. To speculate a little further, I also feel like the angel is this person. If so, then the poem does a good job of making the reader initially believe one thing instead of what it truly is about after a couple rereads.

Regards,
Alex

Hey Alex,
Thanks for the feedback. Need to give this one the thought it deserves before attempting an edit. I've been busy with holidays stuff and other poems.

Thanks again,
Richard

Succinct little simile. Just a few notes.

Quote:Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree

Maybe shorten to just "Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree" here.

Quote:Easily overlooked

among late arrivals,

Let it be overlooked  by  late arrivals and early checkouts.

Quote:early checkouts.
Lights obey a timer,
while an aged angel
is crooked, burned out,
but its halo freshly painted.

"but its halo freshly painted" hurts here. How about something like "though its halo is freshly painted"?

Quote:I'd like to think
you'd notice too:

The I'd and you'd here. You may be better served with a different voice  or verb tense.

Quote:stop, smile,
whisper some words
just loud enough<-This line could be cut.
so you feel a little less alone.

Hey Truerenigma,
Thanks for the feedback. The second stanza seems to need some work based on what everyone said.

Thanks again,
Richard

Lonesome as a Hotel Lobby Christmas Tree
I wouldn't use lonesome, it is an over-used pop song word.


Lights obey a timer,
I like this, it is a minor detail but says a lot about the nature of a commecialized Xmas.  

while an aged angel
I also don't like aged, it is too general a word.

but its halo freshly painted.
Again like the timer line, this detail says far more than all the modifiers, lonesome, aged, crooked, burned out.  These have much less power than little real observations unique to the situation.

S2 could refer to anything, the use of alone after using lonesome in the title is not helpful.  
You need something that captures more about the lonliness of hotels. I always think a person with a suitcase looks like a refugee or someone who has lost their home.  Images like that would say much more than adverbs and adjectives.

The poem caught my attention because I worked in various hotels for 6 years.  

cheers

Ross

Hey Ross,
Thanks for the feedback. I actually forgot about this one, but I'm glad to return to it after so long. There was a lot of feedback, so I hope it's going in the right direction.

Thanks again,
Richard