Your wings are greener
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tails, lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
to elude a starlit maw. I glow alike
and yet you come to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour you, let alone to speak these words?
If I did, I'd only ask you stay
to the wall you're settled on. Do not draw too close
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin
until they go up in flares of light and dust.
Get away. Get away. Get away.
You singed your wings
and morning's here.
Edit 2: I Dream Moths
Your wings are greener
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tails, lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
that help you elude a starlit maw. I glow alike
and still you come to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour you, let alone to speak these words?
If I did, I'd only tell you—
stay to the wall you're settled on. Do not draw too close
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust.
Get away. Get away. Get away.
You've singed your wings
and morning's here.
Edit 1: On Actias Somnium
Your wings are greener
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tails as lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
only more elusive of a starlit maw. I glow alike
and still you came to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour you, let alone to speak these words?
If I did, I'd only tell you—
stay to the wall you're settled on. Do not draw too close
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust.
Get away. Get away. Get away.
You singed your wings
and morning's here.
Original: On Actias Somnium
I found your wings, greener
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tips as lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
only more evasive of a starlit maw. I glow alike
and you come to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour with, let alone speak these words?
If I did, I'd only tell you
to stay on the wall you're perched. Do not draw too close
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust.
(04-01-2018, 05:03 AM)alexorande Wrote: On Actias Luna
I found your wings, greener "found" may be problematic (see below)
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned beautiful alliteration, also referring back to w-ings
with tips as lissome as a sundown shaft of light, more nice alliteration in the key of S this time
only more evasive of a starlit maw. I glow alike
and you come to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour with, let alone speak these words? is "with" necessary here? reader unlikely to think moth threatens to devour speaker, esp. if "to" repeated before "speak"
If I did, I'd only tell you
to stay on the wall you're perched. Do not draw too close could "to" be eliminated, with emm dash ending previous line?
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust. "burn" or even "die" in place of "go up?"
Get away. Get away. Get away.
You singe your wings
and morning came. only suggestion/confirmation of a human analogy, nicely put. The sudden past tense is a little confusing.
Delectable telling of luna moth and flame (or mere bug-zapper). Personifying the flame as the speaker-viewpoint is novel (except when then pursuing it as a metaphor for consuming love, here avoided... I think).
The one point I find (g) frustrating is in L1, "found" and the comma. Light of the speaker/lamp "finding" the moth is nice (but why past tense?) but that comma turns the verse into a string of sentence fragments where it would be a catalog of discoveries without it. That's as I read it, anyway.
The play of verb tenses also confuses me. If this is love-analogy, I could see it as shifting back and forth between present time and memory, but in the nature-story (with sentient flame) what would the poem look like all in present tense, or all in past tense?
Just a few suggestions and comments, not to be taken too much to heart. It's quite enjoyable and a bit challenging (had to look up "Saturniid," had been barking up the Greek mythology tree and trying to decide if it was Saturn trying to avoid consuming Aurora or something).
(04-01-2018, 05:03 AM)alexorande Wrote: On Actias Somnium < The title requires research so, to be honest, quickly turned me off. I'm so glad I continued, the poem is really good. Edit: After research it's a rather fitting title, though.
I found your wings, greener < It would seem to me more like the wings found you. Or it could be intended like, 'I find your wings attractive' which is true considering the following lines.
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tips as lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
only more evasive of a starlit maw. I glow alike < Love the ending to stanza and line break following
and you come to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour with, let alone speak these words? < Love the pondering of the dangerous light as to why the little aerial creature draws closer.
If I did, I'd only tell you
to stay on the wall you're perched. Do not draw too close < Did the bug land first before moving closer? It's now perched in this line. And perched sounds a bit like a bird. If it was a colored moth or butterfly, I would envision tender wings very still, flatly fanned against the side of some wall surface, listening to the curious light (silence of course). Also, if you don't mind something exciting, "Not too close!" or instead "Not so close..." ?
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust. < Just really nice imagery. As flares do "go up" I don't mind the use of this here. It gives an image of motion, momentary shooting sparks and smokey dust, then gone.
Get away. Get away. Get away.
^ Nice. "You don't understand how dangerous I am, and I am actually captivated by your beauty to the point I especially don't want you to suffer this fate that others do."
You singe your wings
and morning came. < Past tense. I can't quite find words but I will share some images perhaps you could use somehow. Morning light will not tell of its absence, cannot explain what happened. Morning reveals the black-tipped candle wick or cold metal zapper hanging on a branch. Perhaps the trace of a singed wingtip in the wax, or adrift on a breeze somewhere far off. Sorry, now my imagination is going places, but I think I understand what you intended with this ending
I'd say put the whole thing in present tense. This is beautiful. The life of the poem comes from the personification. You've inspired me to try personification in a poem; I wonder if I've ever even done it. Thanks for sharing this work.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
On Actias Somnium
Doesn't this suggest that
this is the moth's dream?
I found your wings, greener than the faraway willow tree
break after wings (has a element of triumph) in spring, adorned with tips as lissome as a sundown
(interesting use of lissome) shaft of light, only more evasive of a starlit maw.
(don't really follow this) I glow alike and you come to me.
I think it works really well up to this point
('evasive' notwithstanding), but, for me, it
becomes rather incoherent going forwards
(the variation in tenses don't help).
I'd suggest ending with;
I glow alike
and you come to me. Stroke my skin, turning into a star of light and dust.
The title is a binomial name like Actias Luna. But as luna is moon in latin, somnium is...
This is a made-up species, granted, but it's to enforce the analogy that the poem is running with.
I completely agree, the tense confusion is no help to the reader and I hope I've fixed that in my first edit.
(04-01-2018, 05:03 AM)alexorande Wrote: On Actias Somnium
Your wings are greener < I like this better now.
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tails as lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
only more evasive of a starlit maw. I glow alike < Highlighted part gives me a partial image but does feel abstract. (Forgot to mention last crit.) Not sure what's intended here.
and still you came to me. Is it because I have no mouth < I understand why you changed it to 'came' but I'm a little sad to lose the present tense, where the thoughts of the light are speaking as the creature is nearing.
to devour you, let alone to speak these words?
If I did, I'd only tell you—
stay on the wall you're settled on. Do not draw too close < Improved. Could possibly be said with fewer words and maybe an image too, and to avoid two "on".
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust.
Get away. Get away. Get away.
You singed your wings
and morning's here.
So now I would say keep it present tense for "come to me", because we can probably assume he settled on the wall just after fluttering near. But keep the new ending, I like the change of tense in favor of the time passing until morning. So it's present up to the end. Just my thoughts.
Another thing I liked is the space you put on the second "Get away" not just to break up the format but made me think about the moth flitting around the light, on this side, that side, this side, alternating around it.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
Interesting, I didn't realize it could sound like regular visits. Good point... I guess it could be worded differently if you wanted to keep present tense. It does still work nicely as "came", though.
The double meaning is beyond me, and I suspect it will be for others. If you're willing to risk confusion on that line.
Switching to "to" works better. Pretty simple fix.
Another indentation - nah. Where, third one? Or second? I think it looks great as it is.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
I see. Without that spoiler I fear many will trip there. Even with it, the dual meaning and its wording still don't sit quite right with me. It's certainly your poem and there's nothing wrong with keeping a small portion abstract. One suggestion: change to "elusive to" or "elusive for". The "of" makes it even less clear for me. Let me know if you would like any more advice on that line, but otherwise the picture of this poem and methods used were pretty inspiring for me.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
First off:
Did not catch it was a scientific name. Thought it was a contrived latin phrase, which made me think 'myth? or at the very least Cicero's day and age?' Remedy: follow the rules and write it Actias somnium. Those of us in-the-know would thank you for it.
That said, second off:
Of course, it doesn't help that the scientific name of the creature is not a name at all. What's even more painful, at least when considering the original title, is that the common name of the bloody beast is practically identical, such that the only reason this reader can think of as to why the author chose to name it as such is because he or she is kinda pretentious, especially as there's no real scientific humor to the piece's main body (not to mention the voice of the whole thing, which, although not bad in-and-of-itself, does take some getting used to). That is to say, abandon the device entirely -- 'On the Luna Moth' or 'On the Sleeping Moth'.
But of course, the third and final:
Why not a more evocative title? One, perhaps, directly tied to the flame's address...
And now for some nits. 'and still you come', 'you've singed your wings', and i'm pretty sure 'elusive' is the wrong word (i get that shafts of light can't evade, but then again they normally don't, not to mention how it sounds way too close to 'illusive').
Hi Alex,
L4 is certainly more clear. I'm not sure how I feel about "that help you" but I don't want to be overly picky at this time. Maybe I just need to get used to the change.
The title though, for me, is not better. Who dreams of moths? Does the light? But this story is about the light wanting (but unable) to protect this beautiful moth from harm. A title referring to the moth itself or of the light's thoughts about the moth would suit it better. I don't want to write any titles for you of course. Think about what this image is all about. Maybe the image I have is too subjective; I don't see much about dreaming in this poem, but a tragic little event that takes place in the night.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
I think my problem with the title is that I'm trying to make the analogy with the title when it should be done in the poem? Idk but my initial goal was to simply provide the perspective of the lamp and only hint towards the analogy at the end, with the title confirming it by the end of the poem. I'll put a spoiler below.
I'm not sure about the "that help you" either. I'll probably think of something later but I'm certainly more happy with how much more clear it is.
I'm comparing the lamp's admiration and burning of the luna moth to forgetting a good dream.
Alex, I saw the spoiler, but I just never would have imagined such an analogy. This thing you're doing is very much in your subconscious and it's not discernible through the poem. I know, I've done the same thing many times. We hold a great deal more inside us as the writers that we don't realize is still not translating to the reader despite our careful words. If it's your true desire to convey this analogy, something more has to be done with the piece. I would imagine the poem could be stretched to compare to other things, such as a relationship, before I can see it as how you described in the spoiler.
On thinking for a moment, I might have an idea what you mean, though -
Does this have anything to do with lucid dreaming?
I am thinking of how careful you have to be to allow the vision to come to you, without being overly affected by it otherwise it instantly vanishes.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
Your wings are greener
than the faraway willow tree in spring, adorned
with tails, lissome as a sundown shaft of light,
to elude a starlit maw. I glow alike
and still you come to me. Is it because I have no mouth
to devour you, let alone to speak these words?
If I did, I'd only tell you—
stay to the wall you're settled on. Do not draw too close
like so many of the grey-winged ones who tap my skin until
they go up in flares of light and dust.
Get away. Get away. Get away.
You singed your wings
and morning's here.
Open speculation resides within the spectral nature of the poem, you have distended (def.) or extended the point of observation (the beloved) to the endless horizon by rejecting your own desire, your own natural love by setting her or him or the deity of the satyr or the cherub the seraphim the zephyr the open sun and somehow shielded and WALLED your formal attachment to the mysterious beloved
In fact, the above is not correct (except for the shrewd maw and his apparent lissomity)
Imminent judgement awaits. The correction of form. The correction of love. The gestation of living.
I would be interested if alexorande's poem had anything to do with:
-deity
-satyr
-cherub
-seraphim
-zephyr
Anyway, I think the latest little revision looks good, alexorande. Hope you are working on a collection - I would like to read the whole thing when it's complete.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
