Our sun crusts our waning moon.
It’s our vision, prophetic doom
we pray to be enlightenment
that shines for our purpose.

Trapped in our pretentious dreams,
our prayers become our cackling screams
as inflammation bursts and casts
our waning moon to dust.

It burns for no one purpose.

This was very nice. One thing that could be changed are the lines "we pray to be enlightenment" maybe think of some things that enlightenment is to you. Say (as example) enlightenment is like "a journey, a gift, or light" you could say "we pray to be the light" to make the line less obvious.

We pray to be a journeyed light
That shines upon our purpose

I'm thinking something like that, but less garbled English.

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Or maybe it isn't garbled English.

(12-17-2017, 12:56 PM)Youi Wrote:  We pray to be a journeyed light
That shines upon our purpose

I'm  thinking something like that,  but less garbled English.

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Or maybe it isn't  garbled English.

I like a change to "journeyed light". It's an interesting phrase, has a nice sound and works well in your poem.

Our sun crusts our waning moon.
It’s our vision, prophetic doom
we pray to be enlightenment                                    I stumbled nearly each time I read this part. My mind's tongue said, "we pray to be enlightened"
that shines for our purpose.                                                                                                                 

Trapped in our pretentious dreams,
our prayers become our cackling screams               
as inflammation bursts and casts
our waning moon to dust.                                       Is it the moon that's dust, or the star? Is the star the moon?

It burns for no one purpose.




I like how it feels as though stardust is a twinkling of good will,
but I was a little confused about whether it was moon dust
or stardust. I think moon dust would glow, but stardust
would sparkle.


-nibbed

Moondust is a better working title,  but I'm trying to make an ironic nod to stardust being the material of everything, that it isn't just ours,  and it will ultimately kill us.  

Moondust  as a title seems to tie the context together more directly,  though. 

Thanks guys!