Finish Up

Keep going
it'll be one less thing to do
a minute from now.





original

Conversing with Dust

Keep going
I tell myself
it'll be one less thing
you'll have to do
in a minute.

As this is a poem and not a haiku, a little bit more of a rhythmic quality could be injected to keep the poem from being so stilted. Otherwise it is just a prose sentence.

"Keep going--I tell myself--it'll be one less thing you'll have to do in a minute.

Best,

dale

(12-04-2017, 11:53 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Conversing with Dust


Keep going
I tell myself
it'll be one less thing
you'll have to do
in a minute.

this is off topic since i can´t write you a pm: i think there´s a fine poem in one of your recent comments.

as for this poem: i hope it´s just a momentary thought.
if you want to keep going on this poem: you could leave out " i tell myself" and "you´ll have "

thank you, Dale

I believe you are right.
I may save it to insert into a poem.
I appreciate your taking the time to
comment on my little poem.


thank you, vagabond

I really like your shortened down
version, a lot. May I steal it from
you in a revision? It is wonderfully
far more fitting for this particular
forum. I will have to check out
my comments to find that poem.


nibbed

hi nibbed, no idea why you call it "stealing". of course you can.
btw, i thought a poem is in "sea glass, all muted and smooth".

I had not read a poem in which a lyrical hero speaks with the dust! I like poems that do not tell, but leave the reader's interpretation. In this sense, "I tell myself" is implied. Greetings!

(12-05-2017, 07:41 PM)vagabond Wrote:  hi nibbed, no idea why you call it "stealing". of course you can.
btw, i thought a poem is  in "sea glass, all muted and smooth".

 Thank you vagabond
I will try to write it
neater and better
using your ideas.


nibbed

---

(12-05-2017, 09:47 PM)bogpan Wrote:  I had not read a poem in which a lyrical hero speaks with the dust! I like poems that do not tell, but leave the reader's interpretation. In this sense, "I tell myself" is implied. Greetings!

Thank you for the greetings and for commenting
on my little poem. Your first sentence really made
me smile. Have a great night!


-nibbed

---

(12-04-2017, 12:56 PM)Erthona Wrote:  As this is a poem and not a haiku, a little bit more of a rhythmic quality could be injected to keep the poem from being so stilted. Otherwise it is just a prose sentence.

"Keep going--I tell myself--it'll be one less thing you'll have to do in a minute.

Best,

dale

is it a little better now, dale?

-nibbed

(12-04-2017, 11:53 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Finish Up

Keep going
it'll be one less thing to do
a minute from now.





original

Conversing with Dust

Keep going
I tell myself
it'll be one less thing
you'll have to do
in a minute.

Hello, I'm a bit late to the party and I know you've already done the snipping and pasting ...

But I loved the original title, it was my favorite part of the poem, it was the thing that kept catching my eye and bringing back to the piece.  It made me visualize the narrator muttering out loud a bit. In the actual poem the narrator is not actually directly addressing the dust, but just the visual of the narrator muttering out loud "keep going ..." when there is no one else there it is rather like he/she is speaking to the dust as much as to him/her self.  I do like the shorter version of the poem though.  And if you did want to put the original title back on (don't do it for me, of course but I mean just if you did all on your own for other reasons) then you could make it like this and it would sound a bit like the narrator was perhaps talking to the dust after all sort of co-conspirator style:

Conversing With Dust

If I keep going
it'll be one less thing to do
a minute from now.

Anyway, and either way, I do like this piece and enjoyed reading. 

Thanks, Quix
You pretty much grabbed my intent and reminded me
where I was going with this one. Thank you kindly
for your commenting.


nibbed

(12-04-2017, 11:53 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Finish Up

Keep going
it'll be one less thing to do
a minute from now.





original

Conversing with Dust

Keep going
I tell myself
it'll be one less thing
you'll have to do
in a minute.

Ha ha
This is exactly how I feel right now 
I like how you’ve expressed your idea in so few words. Keep writing.

thank you, Busker.
have a blessed night


nibbed