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alonso ramoran · 11-01-2017, 02:05 PM

Chiaroscuro

At night,
    ancient cobbled roads are
lit by gift shops, pulsing
  with music from the bars.

Wandering
  those streets with you,
  I smile as you dance
    beneath our passing bodies.

nibbed · 11-02-2017, 10:56 AM

At night,
store lights send you over
their ancient cobbled roads
with bars resounding music.
Strolling on, I smile as you dance
beneath our passing bodies.

I like that this poem is friendly and kind.
It offers admiration to something common,
(likely ignored or overlooked by most)
granting the reward of personification.
It was a clever use of the word "bars", too,
because it gives the reader a choice of two meanings.
This poem taught me something, too. Thank you!

nibbed

Achebe · 11-06-2017, 02:37 AM

(11-01-2017, 02:05 PM)alexorande Wrote: Chiaroscuro

At night,
store lights send you over
their ancient cobbled roads ... the cobbled roads don't belong to the store lights, I'd think
with bars resounding music. ....a comma after roads and no 'with' would work here. 'With' is almost always a very loose conjunction
Strolling on, I smile as you dance
beneath our passing bodies. .... this is well done. I can see exactly what you're describing. The last two lines can be a short poem (in that format, the 'strolling on' would be superfluous, however)

Hi alex - this is a nice one. It would have been better with a second layer of meaning, but sometimes a poem can be perfectly fine as a word picture, which this one is.

alonso ramoran · 11-06-2017, 08:28 AM

(11-06-2017, 02:37 AM)Achebe Wrote:
(11-01-2017, 02:05 PM)alexorande Wrote: Chiaroscuro

At night,
store lights send you over
their ancient cobbled roads ... the cobbled roads don't belong to the store lights, I'd think
with bars resounding music. ....a comma after roads and no 'with' would work here. 'With' is almost always a very loose conjunction
Strolling on, I smile as you dance
beneath our passing bodies. .... this is well done. I can see exactly what you're describing. The last two lines can be a short poem (in that format, the 'strolling on' would be superfluous, however)

Hi alex - this is a nice one. It would have been better with a second layer of meaning, but sometimes a poem can be perfectly fine as a word picture, which this one is.

Hi Achebe,

Thank you for your thoughts! I agree with pretty much all you're suggesting. There is something I'm wondering about this poem that I'll tag in a spoiler.

And nibbed, thank you for your kind words. "Bars" wasn't really intended as a double entendre but I'd love to hear your interpretation!

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