Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull up my hood and shudder,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 16
Threads: 0
Joined: Sep 2017
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: I picked you from the curb, - using you instead of it is powerful
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.- Perfect image of a squashed conker!
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse - not sure if you need "a"?
as feet shuffle sound
through wind cornered clusters - maybe put a hyphen between wind and cornered
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils. - love this image.
empty out,
run for cover high streets. - bit confused by punctuation here!
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day. - brilliant
I recently went for a walk with a friend and we each picked up a conker from the ground. It made me think of conker-fights in the playground and yes, conkers for the nature table. Then I see your lovely poem, so thanks for this.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hard to fault this one keith. some good solid imagery okay after three or four reads i found a couple of minuscule prob's. the post stands well enough as is but i think you could polish it just a little bit more. great read.
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: I picked you from the curb, i'm trying hard to find fault so this is it, the line feels too pat, too easy, how did yo pick it?
prickled and sour sapped, a suggestion would be to use this as the first line, good S's
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters. excellent extended image; nigh on bloody perfect.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils. you're imagery again is excellent
empty out,
run for cover high streets. i get you're telling the high streets to run for cover but i'm not sure others will, if i'm wrong, then you need some punctuation
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day. not keen with the rhyme, maybe lose the "away" the rhyme feels a little forced.
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(09-24-2017, 02:33 AM)Wastrel Wrote: (09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: I picked you from the curb, - using you instead of it is powerful
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.- Perfect image of a squashed conker!
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse - not sure if you need "a"?
as feet shuffle sound
through wind cornered clusters - maybe put a hyphen between wind and cornered
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils. - love this image.
empty out,
run for cover high streets. - bit confused by punctuation here!
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day. - brilliant
I recently went for a walk with a friend and we each picked up a conker from the ground. It made me think of conker-fights in the playground and yes, conkers for the nature table. Then I see your lovely poem, so thanks for this.
Hi Wastrel
Glad you could connect with this one, thank you for the feedback, I used it in the edit. Best Keith
(09-25-2017, 05:23 PM)billy Wrote: hard to fault this one keith. some good solid imagery okay after three or four reads i found a couple of minuscule prob's. the post stands well enough as is but i think you could polish it just a little bit more. great read.
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: I picked you from the curb, i'm trying hard to find fault so this is it, the line feels too pat, too easy, how did yo pick it?
prickled and sour sapped, a suggestion would be to use this as the first line, good S's
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters. excellent extended image; nigh on bloody perfect.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils. you're imagery again is excellent
empty out,
run for cover high streets. i get you're telling the high streets to run for cover but i'm not sure others will, if i'm wrong, then you need some punctuation
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day. not keen with the rhyme, maybe lose the "away" the rhyme feels a little forced.
Hi Billy
You made some solid comments here I think I agreed with nearly everything said and used most in the edit, appreciated the feedback, thanks for the help. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi Kieth, solid edit,
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped much stronger opening
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. i know i said use a comma but i was wrong another suggestion [and i'm sorry for this] high streets, run for cover
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder, works better.
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, Keith
I will be forced to critique in order to say what a wonderful poem this is.
I had to look up conker because I honestly didn't know what it was
strange how after finding the definition, I saw prickle shelled walnuts fallen
here and there on my travels to and fro town.
I'd never noticed them before.
Now every time I see them, I will be reminded of your beautiful poem.
Thank you for the read.
Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white this reminded me of bread every time I read it, the color below
on chestnut brown. made me think of split-top wheat, sorry, it's just in my head
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse not exactly sure the meaning of crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles, The next two stanzas, perfectly written.
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder,
bone deep,
on this top button day. I like how visual this poem is, the softened, almost sad colors, but a hint of hope, too
and the unique personality of the speaker.
As usual, you write beautifully.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 16
Threads: 0
Joined: Sep 2017
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown. - the position of the conker
is now on the ground, with the rhymes of -ound/own, in just the right place. S 1 flows seamlessly into S2. Perfect.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. - this line has got a problem.
I thought a possible solution
might be:
(Rain needles,
sharp as sketch-book pencils,
scurry shoppers along
run-for-cover high streets ?) - not sure
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder, - I like 'shudder' under railway arch - a train is passing above
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(09-28-2017, 06:21 AM)Wastrel Wrote: (09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown. - the position of the conker
is now on the ground, with the rhymes of -ound/own, in just the right place. S 1 flows seamlessly into S2. Perfect.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. - this line has got a problem.
I thought a possible solution
might be:
(Rain needles,
sharp as sketch-book pencils,
scurry shoppers along
run-for-cover high streets ?) - not sure
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder, - I like 'shudder' under railway arch - a train is passing above
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Thank you for the feedback wastrel, I will look at that line again I agree its not quite there yet, also really pleased you got the train shudder, its nice to know a word is interpretated just the way you ment it to be. Thanks Keith
(09-28-2017, 04:47 AM)nibbed Wrote: Hi, Keith
I will be forced to critique in order to say what a wonderful poem this is.
I had to look up conker because I honestly didn't know what it was
strange how after finding the definition, I saw prickle shelled walnuts fallen
here and there on my travels to and fro town.
I'd never noticed them before.
Now every time I see them, I will be reminded of your beautiful poem.
Thank you for the read.
Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white this reminded me of bread every time I read it, the color below
on chestnut brown. made me think of split-top wheat, sorry, it's just in my head
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse not exactly sure the meaning of crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles, The next two stanzas, perfectly written.
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder,
bone deep,
on this top button day. I like how visual this poem is, the softened, almost sad colors, but a hint of hope, too
and the unique personality of the speaker.
As usual, you write beautifully.
nibbed Thank you nibbed really appreciate your considered feedback. best Keith
(09-27-2017, 04:12 PM)billy Wrote: hi Kieth, solid edit,
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped much stronger opening
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. i know i said use a comma but i was wrong another suggestion [and i'm sorry for this] high streets, run for cover
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder, works better.
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day. Thank you Billy for following this one, I will take another look at that line, I know its not working well, I might need to change the approach. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Keith,
I loved how this poem sounded when I read it aloud. I do have some thoughts though:
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown. -I like this image of the conker. The description of the colours make it vivid. My only question is why is the speaker so interested in it? This is sort of a nit-pick point, but I think it's worth thinking about. As well, what does the conker represent for the speaker? Does it have to represent anything for the speaker? I'm rambling a bit, but I hope I'm offering some food for thought.
The ground drowns -I'm a bit unclear if the ground is drowning in falling conkers or the rain.
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound -This line made me think of squirrels for some reason.
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. -I quite like this stanza. The rain metaphor is strong. I'm just a bit unclear on what it has to do with the conker. May be I'm missing something. It wouldn't be the first time.
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull up my hood and shudder,
bone deep,
on this top button day. -I like the imagery in this stanza as well. In my opinion it ends the poem with a melancholy tone. Was this your intention? How does the tone in this stanza relate back to the conker? Again, I'm just asking some of these questions to hopefully generate some food for thought.
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
Overall, I think you have some strong language use and imagery in this poem. I just think you need to ask yourself what you want your purpose to be here. For example, what is the importance of pointing out the conker for the reader? I feel like I might have rambled in parts of this critique, so I hope I was more helpful than rambling.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white i see the cracked chestnut.. and looking up conker a word i didn´t know i found the children´s game. don´t know if it´s intended that way, but i read the whole poem in this context.
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse those two lines have the feel of a flashback
as feet shuffle sound an interesting way to describe walking through fallen leaves
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils, in my read that refers to another childhood memory
scurry shoppers along, i like this line´s rhythm with the next. don´t quite get what the shoppers and the high streets want to tell me though.
run for cover, high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull up my hood and shudder, somehow i miss the "hide away" from the previous version. but that may be due to my misinterpreting the whole poem. i think shuddering was obvious even without using the word before.
bone deep,
on this top button day. nice double meaning
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
...
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