First Edit:
On my 36th Birthday

I realized today I'm six years too late
to copy you.
You, reborn through failed deaths,
while I like to think of dying
as a far away dog on a prairie plain.
I accept

I'll never be like you,
there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs.
I'll still try

to understand you:
disillusioned with love,
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.
You, who transformed suicide
into a poetic device
by translating death's foreign language
like a Gestapo prisoner,

while I count the candles on my cake.


Original:
On my 36th Birthday

I realized today
I'm six years too late to copy you.
You, reborn through failed deaths,
while I like to think of dying
as that far away dog on a prairie plain.

I accept I'll never be like you,
there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs.

But I'll still try to understand you:
disillusioned with love,
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.
You, who transformed suicide
into a poetic device
by translating death's foreign language
like a prisoner at gun point.

While I count the candles on my cake,
aware they must be extinguished,
you live the only way a dead poet can.

Hi Richard, let me give you some comments.

(09-17-2017, 05:50 AM)Richard Wrote:  On my 36th Birthday

I realized today--As opening lines go this is a bit uninspiring. Might I suggest a slight rework: "I realized today I'm six years too late/to copy you. You" If you're going to focus on missed opportunities and regret than breaking the line on late fits more thematically and builds tension. If you have the repetition of you on the next line and then break there you give a reflective pause that suggests the context for the regret. Albeit the copying is a bit morbid and the regrets don't travel down a typical path.
I'm six years too late to copy you.
You, reborn through failed deaths,--I like the entire idea of reborn through failed deaths. It's good phrasing for coming out the other side from attempted suicides or ODs or the like.
while I like to think of dying--This a great break to set up the image and contrast the previous line.
as that far away dog on a prairie plain.

I accept I'll never be like you,--While this is a serviceable line. You might alternatively want to end the last strophe after plain with "I accept" as if it's an acceptance of the idea of dying and dying alone. Then the white space strophe break would play on the isolation of that idea.
there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs.--I like the leadup to this line but wasn't making a connection to uncut thumbs (could be me just missing something obvious).

But I'll still try to understand you:--Again, you may want to pull up I'll still try to the end of the previous line on the above strophe. There's a halting quality it might add that could be interesting.
disillusioned with love,
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.--That's also an interesting line. I'm not sure in what sense this would be true but I like the wording and idea of it.
You, who transformed suicide
into a poetic device--lovely two lines
by translating death's foreign language
like a prisoner at gun point.-This entire strophe rocks. I like every choice you've made here. Crisp, tight writing.

While I count the candles on my cake,
aware they must be extinguished,--I'm not fond of your last line. I think I'd prefer it to end on this line (that would require some slight changes of course to make it read well).
you live the only way a dead poet can.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

(09-17-2017, 05:50 AM)Richard Wrote:  On my 36th Birthday

I realized today
I'm six years too late to copy you. ..... like Todd, I would enjamb at "late" and remove the second "you" in the line below

You, reborn through failed deaths,
while I like to think of dying
as that far away dog on a prairie plain.  ....I don't like the specificity of "that". I think "a" is better here. Other than that, a great line 

I accept I'll never be like you, ..... can you change this to something less wordy, such as "I'm different; there are etc"

there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs.    

But I'll still try to understand you: ....the second "I'll" and ending again on "you" are repetitive 
disillusioned with love,
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.   .... this is the high watermark of the poem for me. A brilliant line.
You, who transformed suicide
into a poetic device
by translating death's foreign language
like a prisoner at gun point.

While I count the candles on my cake,
aware they must be extinguished,
you live the only way a dead poet can.  .... who are you talking about? I wonder. It could be any number of poets dead at thirty. Plath maybe? I like the open endedness.

Solid read. Thanks for posting.

(09-17-2017, 05:50 AM)Richard Wrote:  I realized today I'm six years too late     changed the line breaks here, just a suggestion
to copy you, 
reborn through failed deaths,
while I like to think of dying                          something like "i still thing of dying" or "can´t help think of dying"?
as that far away dog on a prairie plain.

I accept I'll never be like you,                               I´d leave out that line
there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs.                                                           could it be that it is thumb nails? or just nails?

But I'll still try to understand you:        
disillusioned with love,
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.
You, who transformed suicide 
into a poetic device                                                              
by translating death's foreign language
like a prisoner at gun point.                                      i´d omitt these last two lines to emphasize the two  lines above.

While I count the candles on my cake,
aware they must be extinguished,
you live the only way a dead poet can.           this last stanza gives me question marks (but ok, just my view),  maybe either make it clearer ot leave it out. "poetic device" would be a  strong ending. 

Hey Todd, Achebe, and vagabond,
Thanks for the feedback. I decided to give some background info for the poem in the spoiler below. However, feel free to ignore it because the info is pure spoiler for the poem. I just felt the need to share it because of one of the comments. I'm hoping to get around to editing this one some time soon.

Thanks again,
Richard

I can see how your subject fits the piece. However, if you want readers to grasp where you're going, the title probably needs to do more work. You can still be slightly cryptic. Example to get you thinking:You and the Open Oven.

Just a thought. The title change is purely optional of course, sometimes the reader should have ambiguity.

Hey Todd,
I actually played around with the oven image a bit in the original, but I could never come up with anything that I really liked. Whenever I think about it now, I always get stuck with the birthday cake in the oven as an image. I will definitely give it some thought though.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hi Richard,

I am coming from the perspective of someone who has never really read poetry. I probably will not be able to give you objective critique, but perhaps my perspective will help you determine how your poem would be viewed by an outsider to poetry. I did read the spoiler, so I kind of have an idea what this poem is about, but I do not know specifics about their works or who they were.

(09-17-2017, 05:50 AM)Richard Wrote:  On my 36th Birthday

I realized today
I'm six years too late to copy you. I don't like "I'm" here. After the line break above, it feels too jarring.
You, reborn through failed deaths, Your one-sided conversation with the deceased is quite beautiful. "Six years too late to copy you." is an amazing line and there are so many emotions running through it. Greif, depression, reminiscence, ideation, idolization just to name a few. I could re-read that one line for minutes on end and it would hit me differently each time. Exactly what I long for a poem to do.
while I like to think of dying
as that far away dog on a prairie plain.

I accept I'll never be like you,
there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs. I like the irony here (I think it's irony?). You say there are no metaphors for your uncut thumbs, yet they end up being metaphorical for your detachment with the deceased.

But I'll still try to understand you:
disillusioned with love, This line is confusing to me. Is the deceased disillusioned away from love or towards it?
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.
You, who transformed suicide
into a poetic device
by translating death's foreign language I like the suicide -> poetic device, but I'm having trouble fleshing out the simile of the prisoner. Exactly how does a prisoner at gunpoint translate the language of death? I think this could be better.
like a prisoner at gun point.

While I count the candles on my cake,
aware they must be extinguished,
you live the only way a dead poet can. I can't stop thinking of Dead Poet's Society, which I'm sure is a part of the reference in this line, but I think it takes away from the real theme of the poem.

Hey fuzzylama1,
Thanks for the feedback. This one is proving a bit tougher than I thought to edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hey all,
I decided to play around with the structure a bit in this edit. Feel free to let me know if this is an improvement over the original.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

Hi Richard, I like the edit. I have a few small suggestions for you.

(09-17-2017, 05:50 AM)Richard Wrote:  First Edit:
On my 36th Birthday

I realized today I'm six years too late
to copy you.
You, reborn through failed deaths,
while I like to think of dying
as a far away dog on a prairie plain.
I accept

I'll never be like you,
there are no metaphors to describe
my uncut thumbs.
I'll still try

to understand you:
disillusioned with love,
burdened with family,
judged by tulips.
You, who transformed suicide
into a poetic device
by translating death's foreign language
like a Gestapo prisoner,--While I still probably wouldn't have pulled Sylvia from this. This is a good reference to Daddy I think. While it could stand as it does. If you introduce that the father is actually the Gestapo in some ways you might tie it more closely. There are a few ways you could do that. It isn't necessary if you don't need the reader to fully make the connection.

while I count the candles on my cake.--final suggestion, borrowing from the last revision. What if you added an additional line: While I count the candles on my cake
at gun point.

Just some thoughts. I like the changes.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. The ending is proving to be somewhat elusive, so I appreciate the suggestion there. I think I'm going to let this one sit for a bit though before attempting another edit. I'm hoping some time might even spark an useful idea about the oven image.

Thanks again,
Richard