lilacs burst
earthworms rise —
an early shower

(Thanks for all the help and fun with this, pigpen.)

        ........

(05-20-2017, 07:08 PM)ellajam Wrote:  early showers
tempt earthworms
lilacs burst

I like tempt and burst for evocative language. It almost seems like the lilacs are busting from all the rain, yet we know that you're referring to their blooming. I think it's well done.

"Tempt" is weak. The word itself is ugly. I have a slight stammer and find it too lippy.
Also, L2 feels overly long
How about:

Early showers:
earthworms, lilacs
burst.

(05-23-2017, 03:24 PM)Lizzie Wrote:  

(05-20-2017, 07:08 PM)ellajam Wrote:  early showers
tempt earthworms
lilacs burst

I like tempt and burst for evocative language. It almost seems like the lilacs are busting from all the rain, yet we know that you're referring to their blooming. I think it's well done.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, Lizzie. I had my doubts about tempt as being too abstract but was encouraged by you mentioning it. That is, until achebe followed on your heels with his contempt for tempt. Thinking...

(05-23-2017, 07:33 PM)Achebe Wrote:  "Tempt" is weak. The word itself is ugly. I have a slight stammer and find it too lippy.
Also, L2 feels overly long
How about:

Early showers:
earthworms, lilacs
burst.

Yes tempt is weak, I couldn't put my finger on a better word at the time. I don't loathe tempt, though I do loathe loathe. I was reading or writing, I don't remember, a line recently and thought "My dad would never be able to say those two words together." While a combination of words can't please everyone I absolutely hear you. Sonically, Lure is miles better:

early showers
lure earthworms
lilacs burst

But that doesn't solve the issue of both lure and tempt being not quite concret enough. While your version is nice I try not to rely on punctuate for these but let the words and breaks get the reader to stop and go.

i think I'll start with that edit, thank you both for making me think about this one again. My whole house smells like lilac from the one bush outside the door.

maybe, though it would kill it for Lizzie,

early showers
earthworms
lilacs

(05-20-2017, 07:08 PM)ellajam Wrote:  early showers
lure earthworms
lilacs burst

early showers
tempt earthworms
lilacs burst

ellajam,

isn't it beautiful when one word changes so much and so little. the showers lure the earthworms to the surface of the soil, the sun captures them....thinking on that tempt was kinda boring.

good work.

Luna

(05-24-2017, 12:09 AM)LunaDeLore Wrote:  

(05-20-2017, 07:08 PM)ellajam Wrote:  early showers
lure earthworms
lilacs burst

early showers
tempt earthworms
lilacs burst

ellajam,

isn't it beautiful when one word changes so much and so little. the showers lure the earthworms to the surface of the soil, the sun captures them....thinking on that tempt was kinda boring.

good work.

Luna

Thanks, Luna. Now I'm wavering between early showers lure earthworms and early shower lures earthworms but either way I'm not sure I like the double er sound of lure and earth. Glad it's headed in the right direction, though. Thanks for letting me know.

lure....lilac....sounds like a tongue twister

early showers
lure earthworms
lilacs burst
linnets malinger liltingly
tralalala sunday

(05-24-2017, 01:11 AM)Achebe Wrote:  lure....lilac....sounds like a tongue twister

early showers
lure earthworms
lilacs burst
linnets malinger liltingly
tralalala sunday

Wow dare you imply I'm over-alliterating? Me? Never. And I am in a tralala mood lately, if I can't squeeze some joy out of spring I may as well head over to the suicide thread.

So, not a fan of lure? Because of the L's, not the er-er sound? hmm, I'll think on it. Thanks for coming back.

(05-23-2017, 09:12 PM)ellajam Wrote:  maybe, though it would kill it for Lizzie,

early showers
earthworms
lilacs

Yup. Dead.

(05-24-2017, 02:56 AM)Lizzie Wrote:  

(05-23-2017, 09:12 PM)ellajam Wrote:  maybe, though it would kill it for Lizzie,

early showers
earthworms
lilacs

Yup. Dead.

Yup, a big So What. What about lure vs tempt? Still mortally wounded?

(05-24-2017, 03:13 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(05-24-2017, 02:56 AM)Lizzie Wrote:  

(05-23-2017, 09:12 PM)ellajam Wrote:  maybe, though it would kill it for Lizzie,

early showers
earthworms
lilacs

undefined
Yup. Dead.

Yup, a big So What. What about lure vs tempt? Still mortally wounded?

I like lure for meaning (earthworms coming to the surface to be plucked from the ground for fishing and put on lures), but I don't like it for sonics. I don't like how lure leads into earthworms -- it is a little bit of R overkill.... I'm on the fence.

(05-24-2017, 03:26 AM)Lizzie Wrote:  

(05-24-2017, 03:13 AM)ellajam Wrote:  

(05-24-2017, 02:56 AM)Lizzie Wrote:  undefined
Yup. Dead.

Yup, a big So What. What about lure vs tempt? Still mortally wounded?

I like lure for meaning (earthworms coming to the surface to be plucked from the ground for fishing and put on lures), but I don't like it for sonics. I don't like how lure leads into earthworms -- it is a little bit of R overkill.... I'm on the fence.

Agreed, er, er ... back to the drawing board. Thanks for the response.

Earthworms don't really want to leave the earth, as that's how they remain safe from birds etc.
But they drown in water, so they must. It's more like the shower 'forces' or 'drives' or even 'floods' them.
(Though 'lure' does imply a destination better than the others.)
"Oblige"/"obligate", while not working, would be SO Japanese.

"Early showers lure earthworms" and "early shower lures earthworms"...
It's the latter, hands down, because haiku is about specificity, immediacy, capturing a moment,
the zen aspect of living/being/existing in the present, as the past and future are illusion.

Also, in that vein, addressing a single earthworm would come closer to invoking that ideal.

Inferred remembrance:  

Thanks ray, I originally thought of earthworms rising but couldn't tie it together.

an early shower
obliges the earthworm to rise
the lilac to burst.

maybe

(05-24-2017, 06:42 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks ray, I originally thought of earthworms rising but couldn't tie it together.

an early shower
obliges the earthworm to rise
the lilac to burst.

maybe

    Like it -- not so much a haiku, as haiku-like. But I have no bias here, the latter are often my favorites
    And given two subjects and the action, they're much better expressed as a slightly more complex poem.

(05-24-2017, 07:02 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(05-24-2017, 06:42 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks ray, I originally thought of earthworms rising but couldn't tie it together.

an early shower
obliges the earthworm to rise
the lilac to burst.

maybe

    Like it -- not so much a haiku, as haiku-like. But I have no bias here, the latter are often my favorites
    And given two subjects and the action, they're much better expressed as a slightly more complex poem.

Ha reading it now it's pretty close to a 575, unintentional. But yeah, not really concerned with a label, just a halfway decent poem, and besides, I'm having fun.

(05-24-2017, 05:29 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  Earthworms don't really want to leave the earth, as that's how they remain safe from birds etc.
But they drown in water, so they must. It's more like the shower 'forces' or 'drives' or even 'floods' them.
(Though 'lure' does imply a destination better than the others.)
"Oblige"/"obligate", while not working, would be SO Japanese.

"Early showers lure earthworms" and "early shower lures earthworms"...
It's the latter, hands down, because haiku is about specificity, immediacy, capturing a moment,
the zen aspect of living/being/existing in the present, as the past and future are illusion.

Also, in that vein, addressing a single earthworm would come closer to invoking that ideal.

Inferred remembrance:  

Thinking of earthworm singular/zen, reminds me of the old TV series "Kung Fu"
(a Western ) with David Carradine as "Kwai Chang Caine". (Yes, I looked it up.)
In flashbacks to the monastery,  Master Po, his spiritual teacher, addresses Caine as "grasshopper".

The setup event for his spiritual nickname:

   Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
   Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
   Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
   Caine: No.
   Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
   Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
   Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

I thought of pointing that out too....but it sounded wankerish in my head...ha!
Ok, how about

Early showers
prise earthworms 
lilacs burst

(05-24-2017, 06:42 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks ray, I originally thought of earthworms rising but couldn't tie it together.

an early shower
obliges the earthworm to rise
the lilac to burst.

maybe

(05-24-2017, 07:37 AM)Achebe Wrote:  

(05-24-2017, 05:29 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  Earthworms don't really want to leave the earth, as that's how they remain safe from birds etc.
But they drown in water, so they must. It's more like the shower 'forces' or 'drives' or even 'floods' them.
(Though 'lure' does imply a destination better than the others.)
"Oblige"/"obligate", while not working, would be SO Japanese.

"Early showers lure earthworms" and "early shower lures earthworms"...
It's the latter, hands down, because haiku is about specificity, immediacy, capturing a moment,
the zen aspect of living/being/existing in the present, as the past and future are illusion.

Also, in that vein, addressing a single earthworm would come closer to invoking that ideal.

Inferred remembrance:  

Thinking of earthworm singular/zen, reminds me of the old TV series "Kung Fu"
(a Western ) with David Carradine as "Kwai Chang Caine". (Yes, I looked it up.)
In flashbacks to the monastery,  Master Po, his spiritual teacher, addresses Caine as "grasshopper".

The setup event for his spiritual nickname:

   Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
   Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
   Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
   Caine: No.
   Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
   Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
   Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

I thought of pointing that out too....but it sounded wankerish in my head...ha!
Ok, how about

Early showers
prise earthworms 
lilacs burst

Never worry about sounding wankerish on one of my threads, makes me feel at home. ><
Prise is a word I never use, I'm having trouble with it.

(05-24-2017, 10:50 AM)Lizzie Wrote:  

(05-24-2017, 06:42 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Thanks ray, I originally thought of earthworms rising but couldn't tie it together.

an early shower
obliges the earthworm to rise
the lilac to burst.

maybe

I thought you'd like the action. Any opinion on the earthworm/lilac or an/a?