Hi everybody! Penny here, posting my first poem on this website. Thank you all so much!

Flair bolt fly fling
       Lord of the Skye commands
       Thy strings of electric to scream over
       Mortal coiled, skin-bound ones.
Illuminate and set to awe
       Thralls of ground and water
       Who grovel and flee helpless to the
       Wickedly terrorizing displays above.
Life unused to brazen bright skies
       Flashes soaring through ozone
       Rich and blue be you in former
       Light streak, white arc bleached.
Strobe the ground with rippling
       Scrawls drawling of heat
       And scar, pulling drawing on fright
       You tendril of mighty script.
An out-pouring of storm magic on world below.

hi penny.

welcome to the site and your first poem here.

You tendril of mighty script
and
Light streak, white arc bleached

are just two solid images you use; there are others, these work well. the problem for me as just one reader is that the lack of punctuation [apart from the singular comma doesn't add anything to the poem. some of the [the's] etc at the start of some lines weaken the poem. personally i prefer to read the poem without direction. if i struggle to comprehend it i can always ask. unless there's an excellent reason for prelude i'd leave it out.

(05-15-2017, 09:35 AM)FountainPen97 Wrote:  Hi everybody! Penny here, posting my first poem on this website, being it was one of my earlier ones. I number all of mine, so this is #7 of 46 that I have in total put together. This was originally written about the atmosphere I was observing just prior to a thunderstorm that got me stuck in my car, I had a half-pencil and 2 napkins and I later translated it into ink. Thank you all so much!

Flair bolt fly fling
       The Lord of the Skye commands
       Thy strings of electric to scream over
       The Mortal coiled, skin-bound ones
Illuminate and set to awe
       The thralls of ground and water
       Who grovel and flee helpless to the
       Wickedly terrorizing displays above
Life unused to brazen bright skies
       Flashes soaring through ozone
       Rich and blue be you in former
       Light streak, white arc bleached
Strobe the ground with rippling
       Scrawls drawling of heat
       And scar, pulling drawing on fright
       You tendril of mighty script
An out-pouring of storm magic on world below

(05-15-2017, 10:17 AM)billy Wrote:  hi penny.

welcome to the site and your first poem here.

You tendril of mighty script
and
Light streak, white arc bleached

are just two solid images you use; there are others, these work well. the problem for me as just one reader is that the lack of punctuation [apart from the singular comma doesn't add anything to the poem. some of the [the's] etc at the start of some lines weaken the poem. personally i prefer to read the poem without direction. if i struggle to comprehend it i can always ask. unless there's an excellent reason for prelude i'd leave it out.

(05-15-2017, 09:35 AM)FountainPen97 Wrote:  Hi everybody! Penny here, posting my first poem on this website, being it was one of my earlier ones. I number all of mine, so this is #7 of 46 that I have in total put together. This was originally written about the atmosphere I was observing just prior to a thunderstorm that got me stuck in my car, I had a half-pencil and 2 napkins and I later translated it into ink. Thank you all so much!

Flair bolt fly fling
       The Lord of the Skye commands
       Thy strings of electric to scream over
       The Mortal coiled, skin-bound ones
Illuminate and set to awe
       The thralls of ground and water
       Who grovel and flee helpless to the
       Wickedly terrorizing displays above
Life unused to brazen bright skies
       Flashes soaring through ozone
       Rich and blue be you in former
       Light streak, white arc bleached
Strobe the ground with rippling
       Scrawls drawling of heat
       And scar, pulling drawing on fright
       You tendril of mighty script
An out-pouring of storm magic on world below

Thanks so much! I took your advice and adjusted it to add periods where I felt like they added depth. I really liked the idea of getting rid of "the" in the front of the lines as well as the introduction.

Hi!
Wow, this is your first poem here!
Inspiration can come in just a moment, can't it?



Flair bolt fly fling                                                              ~seems these intros into the stanzas should be similar, but this one is a list of sorts
       The Lord of the Skye commands                             ~this is a place and so I am placed in two thoughts "sky" and "Skye"
       Thy strings of electric to scream over
       The Mortal coiled, skin-bound ones                           ~why capitalize Mortal?
Illuminate and set to awe
       The thralls of ground and water
       Who grovel and flee helpless to the
       Wickedly terrorizing displays above                           ~very descriptive verse
Life unused to brazen bright skies                                     ~unused as in "not used" to or "made un-useful"?
       Flashes soaring through ozone
       Rich and blue be you in former
       Light streak, white arc bleached                                 ~good description
Strobe the ground with rippling
       Scrawls drawling of heat                                              ~ my favorite line here
       And scar, pulling drawing on fright
       You tendril of mighty script                                          ~very cool
An out-pouring of storm magic on world below                   ~not sure about outpouring, but I understand the magnitude of thought




although magic isn't one of my favorite words,
I understand how the reader is encouraged
through the authors words of imagination to describe
a spectacular event.

Welcome here. I hope you fun and enjoy this
place as much as I have.  janine