How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss.
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him...
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all.
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge
of watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we.
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky.
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now.

tectak
2017

Hey tectak,
Some of this poem really works for me. I thoroughly like some of the images and wording you use. However, I do have some questions about your overall meaning and the structure of this piece. I'll go into more detail below:

(04-20-2017, 09:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss. -I like the sound and rhythm of these two lines. "How fateful comes the end of days," sounds a but too generic to me though.
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him... -I love these two lines. They fit well with the idea of the tormented/defeated poet.
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all. -Why are the poet's words "cream-curdled"? I like this image and think you should explore it more.
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake -I like the simile here. The wording in this line works wonderfully with your main idea.
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge -"unseen through subterfuge" doesn't work for me. How do the tears relate to being deceitful/secretive?
or watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we. -Do you need to mention "watered eyes" when we already know about the crying?
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image -Does aether mean "ether"? I'm not criticizing using that spelling, but I am curious as to why you did spell it that way...
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky. -I love the wording here. The second half of the line sounds wonderful.
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now. -May be I'm not thinking enough about this, but I don't get this ending. What spirit are you talking about here?

tectak
2017

This is more of a question than critique, but why did you choose to write this poem with such long lines? I am a bit bias because of the way I write, but I think this poem would work much better if you broke up and shortened some of your lines. Some of the wonderful images in here get a bit lost in these long lines, and I think they would have more impact if presented in a line of their own. Overall, this poem has some wonderful language in it, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

(04-22-2017, 05:25 AM)Richard Wrote:  Hey tectak,
Some of this poem really works for me. I thoroughly like some of the images and wording you use. However, I do have some questions about your overall meaning and the structure of this piece. I'll go into more detail below:

(04-20-2017, 09:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss. -I like the sound and rhythm of these two lines. "How fateful comes the end of days," sounds a but too generic to me though.
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him... -I love these two lines. They fit well with the idea of the tormented/defeated poet.
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all. -Why are the poet's words "cream-curdled"? I like this image and think you should explore it more.
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake -I like the simile here. The wording in this line works wonderfully with your main idea.
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge -"unseen through subterfuge" doesn't work for me. How do the tears relate to being deceitful/secretive?
of watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we. -Do you need to mention "watered eyes" when we already know about the crying?
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image -Does aether mean "ether"? I'm not criticizing using that spelling, but I am curious as to why you did spell it that way...
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky. -I love the wording here. The second half of the line sounds wonderful.
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now. -May be I'm not thinking enough about this, but I don't get this ending. What spirit are you talking about here?

tectak
2017

This is more of a question than critique, but why did you choose to write this poem with such long lines? I am a bit bias because of the way I write, but I think this poem would work much better if you broke up and shortened some of your lines. Some of the wonderful images in here get a bit lost in these long lines, and I think they would have more impact if presented in a line of their own. Overall, this poem has some wonderful language in it, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

Hello rich,
Thank you for your comments. In no particular order, and notwithstanding your suggestions, the title is the clue. This is the scattering of the ashes of a poet attended by others so inclined. Not surprisingly  it is written to be generic to the breed! The lines are long because as a device  long lines read langorously and lugubriously...it is a sad occasion. Short lines are inclined to introduce a staccato rhythm which can tend to gallop along.
Why aether...well, I meant it. I'm so old I remember when physics and chemistry were distinguishable from each other....none of this matter is energy stuff. Ether was a volatile anaesthetic and aether was the all pervading if mythical (or is it?) fluid.
Cream-curdled...hmmm....scanned better than curdled cream hence the hyphen. His poetry was formed (poetic stuff) from liquid cream of words in to the soliidity of prose. Too much, maybe?
I worried about subterfuge and will now change it. I was trying to indicate the deceit of writing in the third person and so swaying others to believe one is truthful..poetry, in other words....but slanted to include the eulogistic things people say about the recently dead." Unseen" is a stretch....you can "see through" deceit...seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oooooops....typo...thanks. Should be "...unseen through subterfuge OF watered eyes...". Thanks again.
Hope that clarifies. Would like your thoughts on the subterfuge use.
Best,
tectak

Hi, Tom, a strong and moving piece. I like the title, it does double duty, the actual scattering and the separation. Some notes:

(04-20-2017, 09:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss.
A fine opening, love the mica/chalk/moss, a perfect description. Not a great fan of fateful. It says what it should but not in a way that sparks my interest the way much in the rest of the poem does.
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him...
I like dropped, it takes me with it. Have and hold is interesting, married to life for life, and I like the physicality of the separation.
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all.
Cream-curdled reads sour to me, confusing.
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge
or watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we.
Love the inverted lake, makes me stop and think. It may be wrong but I might like a colon after subterfuge, the next line is the result. Of watered eyes seems a stilted waste, we've already wept and the rest of the line is so perfect.
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky.
I'm having a hard time with brass-blasted, maybe I need more time to get it.
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now.
I like the ending, it sort of makes the title moot but such is life.

tectak
2017

Thanks for the read, it sticks with me.

(04-22-2017, 05:35 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Tom, a strong and moving piece. I like the title, it does double duty, the actual scattering and the separation. Some notes:

(04-20-2017, 09:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss.
A fine opening, love the mica/chalk/moss, a perfect description. Not a great fan of fateful. It says what it should but not in a way that sparks my interest the way much in the rest of the poem does.
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him...
I like dropped, it takes me with it. Have and hold is interesting, married to life for life, and I like the physicality of the separation.
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all.
Cream-curdled reads sour to me, confusing.
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge
or watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we.
Love the inverted lake, makes me stop and think. It may be wrong but I might like a colon after subterfuge, the next line is the result. Of watered eyes seems a stilted waste, we've already wept and the rest of the line is so perfect.
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky.
I'm having a hard time with brass-blasted, maybe I need more time to get it.
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now.
I like the ending, it sort of makes the title moot but such is life.

tectak
2017

Thanks for the read, it sticks with me.

Hi ella,
all eaten. I am now seriously worried about fateful but struggling to find an alternative which conveys inevitability and acceptance in one word....?....fate filled?
Read reply to rich on his comments...there was a typo after subterfuge. It should read "....subterfuge OF watered eyes..." I hope that makes it far clearer but I have my doubts.
Brass-blasted is unfair of me. The sky sometimes glows with a brassy hue when thin upper strata clouds are skirmished by strong wind and the sun is out. The colour is metallic, like brass, the effect is of a blast of air. I see it often.

Cream curdled is difficult. I really did want to indicate a tinge of envy from the gathered souls at the scattering...sour grapes from poetic peers...yet envy nonetheless. How else to describe the source of prose but as cream and the the words as curdling out of it, then? Ahem....I could have said clotted cream but perhaps that would not have done it. Aw, the hell....I DID have clotted to start with....confession. 
Best,
tectak

I'm not a fan of fate in any form, it happened so surely it was fateful. If you lose "how" you've gained a half foot to work with, maybe implicit or something down that path. Watered eyes falls flat for me no matter what you do with it. Brass-blasted is fair, I just hadn't gotten there, I might have.

While I like the sound of clotted cream, it gets me only to the same place, sour but without the grapes. That's a big thought to get into a few feet, there may be a way, good luck with that.

Hi Tectak!


How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years                              I wanted to replace fateful with faithful
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss.                  is this an example of pathetic fallacy?
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until                      
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him...
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all.                        cream curdled is descriptive, but I am not sure in which direction
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake                      I like this line very very much
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge                     I get it, but would kill the word subterfuge
of watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we.
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image                           aether, interesting
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky.                      sentiment, touching
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now.              beauty

tectak
2017



Thank you kindly for this fine poem with a different format. It shows a touch of class
as it cleverly seems to not quite step over some sort of agreement or line of betrayal.
So then it must be working to achieve what it was meant to do.
I hope you have a wonderful day filled with sunshine and joy! Best wishes.

(04-22-2017, 10:22 PM)nibbed Wrote:  Hi Tectak!


How fateful comes the end of days; the dust and ash of years                              I wanted to replace fateful with faithful
in thinnest layer.... a mica glint, a chalked blurred line upon dark moss.                  is this an example of pathetic fallacy?
Here dropped the wind, the very air he used to have and hold until                      
some prodding, pointed purpose drove it up and out of him...
cream-curdled words, how erudite his prose...to burst upon us all.                        cream curdled is descriptive, but I am not sure in which direction
There is a silence on this hill, as deep and high as some inverted lake                      I like this line very very much
wherein we weep into our piled up tears, unseen through subterfuge                     I get it, but would kill the word subterfuge
of watered eyes; we feel no runs upon pale cheeks, so drenched are we.
Up swirls one stirring current in the aether that was still, an image                           aether, interesting
smoked from long-cold flames, alive again against brass-blasted sky.                      sentiment, touching
It is not him. Some other spirit none of us yet know has claimed him now.              beauty

tectak
2017



Thank you kindly for this fine poem with a different format. It shows a touch of class
as it cleverly seems to not quite step over some sort of agreement or line of betrayal.
So then it must be working to achieve what it was meant to do.
I hope you have a wonderful day filled with sunshine and joy! Best wishes.

Thanks nibb,
I am strugging to keep my grip on fateful. The crits thus far are
agin it. I am thinking " How certain comes the end....." but it just doesn't combine the inevitability with the paradox of surprise. Fate, on the other hand, IS inevitable and unpredictable. I need to think on this. Open to suggestions.
Sunshine and joy are mine...even if raining and Trump is on the tv.
Best,
tectak

Hey tectak,
I think changing the the "or" to an "of" does help to a certain extent. I actually like the line better with that change. However, I would still suggest reworking the line as some of the others suggested.  As well, I would keep the "cream-curdled words," but just add may be another line or two expanding on the image. In my opinion, it's sounds far too interesting to leave out, or perhaps you could use that image in a poem of its own?

Cheers,
Richard

(04-23-2017, 04:41 AM)Richard Wrote:  Hey tectak,
I think changing the the "or" to an "of" does help to a certain extent. I actually like the line better with that change. However, I would still suggest reworking the line as some of the others suggested.  As well, I would keep the "cream-curdled words," but just add may be another line or two expanding on the image. In my opinion, it's sounds far too interesting to leave out, or perhaps you could use that image in a poem of its own?

Cheers,
Richard

Hello rich,
 many thanks for your comments. That was a bad typo as it COULD work both ways...
The "cream-curdled words" is probably too hyperbolic...like honeyed words or vinegared words or fiery words or vitriolic words. The problem is always the same in Intensive. You really believe you have got the mot juste then some bloody crit says no....and they are more often than not correct.

I am still trying to substitute for fateful. To me it expresses what I want it to express but not what others see...and that is what counts. I may leave "subterfuge of watered eyes..." because I feel a certain human trait at funerals/scatterings when the deceit of tears is the mark of mock-sincerity to gain late kudos... a conclusion by some of others...and I have been both. 

I am rambling and giving too much away. The poem is the poem is the poem.
Thanks again,
 best,
 tectak