I think the structure 'but not' repeats too much, I would use other words. I read the 'but never'... and that helps soften the repetition. Although if the purpose is to highlight the long list of that woman and her character, it's fine. I like the contrast and the variety of adjectives.

(02-13-2017, 07:39 AM)Mark Cecil Wrote:  

Handsome but not vain

Athletic but not Jockey

Tall but not ginormous

Intelligent but not nerdy

Well read but not bookish

Sensitive but not effeminate

Strong but not steroidal

Leading but not tyrannical

Articulate but not wordy

Thoughtful but never aloof 

Wise but not a wise guy

Supportive but not clingy

(...)

Mark - The breadth of human emotions and behavior are defined quite well. Enjoyed. Namyh

Made a few changes hope they make an overall improvement

Got some text and line breaks for me to pretend like I'm a connoisseur of English? Great stuff.

(02-13-2017, 07:39 AM)Mark Cecil Wrote:  

Not entirely sure if this is even a poem so I've posted it as a "fun" post.  a strung it together a while ago so it would interesting to see what people think.

2nd edit

The Perfect Man

Is there a man out there for me

someone who is ...

Handsome but never vain

Athletic but not Jockey

Tall but not ginormous

Intelligent but never nerdy

Well read but not bookish

Sensitive but never effeminate

Strong but not steroidal

Leading but never tyrannical

Articulate but never wordy --  This paradox is slightly different than the others. Though some people abide by the axiom "never be fancy with language, but God only loves those who worship commas" ARGH! It's so f'in important.

Thoughtful but never aloof

Wise but not a wise guy

Supportive but never clingy

Empathetic but not soft

Romantic but never neurotic

But does he exist?

For I see many of men’s glaring faults

      “Why are you so angry?” I ask              ...           “Darling I’m passionate” he responds

 “Why are you so arrogant?”               ...                 “Sweatheart I’m confident”

“Why are you so annoying?”                 ...                     “Dearest I’m just funny”

   “Why are you so lazy?”               ...           “Honey I’m merely relaxed

“Why are you so over-bearing?”          ...                   “Sweetie pie I’m caring”

“Why are you so worrisome?”                ...              “My lady I’m just concerned”

“Why are you so critical?”                   ...                 “Princess I’m just honest”

“Why are you so pessimistic?”           ...                         “Baby I’m realistic”

“Why are you so immature?”             ...                  “Kitty Cat I’m comical”

“Why are you so disgusting?”           ...                  “Look girl I’m normal”

“Why are you so inconsiderate?”             ...                      “Listen missey I’m male”

The Perfect man?

The perfect man

He would be ...

Handsome but not vain

Athletic but not Jockey

Tall but not ginormous

Intelligent but not nerdy

Well read but not bookish

Sensitive but not effeminate

Strong but not steroidal

Leading but not tyrannical

Articulate but not wordy

Thoughtful but never aloof

Wise but not a wise guy

Supportive but not clingy

Empathetic but not soft

Romantic but not neurotic

But does he exist?

She says he’s angry                       ...              He says he’s passionate

She says he’s arrogant                   ...                 He says he’s confident

She says he’s annoying                 ...                     He says he’s funny

She says he’s lazy                        ...                 He says he’s relaxed

She says he’s over-bearing             ...                   He’s says he’s caring

She says he’s worrying                  ...              He says he’s concerned

She says he’s critical                   ...                  He says he’s honest

She says he’s pessimistic               ...                   He says he’s realistic

She says he’s immature                 ...                  He says he’s comical

She says he disgusting                  ...                  He says he’s normal

She says he’s inconsiderate            ...                       He says he’s male

The Perfect man?

Well, you've got some sort of dialogue, so maybe just make it about tigers and questioning the existence of a divine creator, slap some brand name on it, and you've got something people will study. As for the perfect man bit, it's a bit one sided. Rejection can impact both sexes.

To make your post easier to read, you can hide your older drafts with [/pre verse] tags.

It looks like this.

'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?'

Brownlie just interested in what you think I should change about this poem.  It's really about a teenage girl and her list of things she wants to find in a man but then the dialogue at the end makes her realise there is no such thing as a perfect man.  I cannot see how I can make it about the existence of God without radically changing the content.

(04-12-2017, 04:15 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  Got some text and line breaks for me to pretend like I'm a connoisseur of English? Great stuff.

(02-13-2017, 07:39 AM)Mark Cecil Wrote:  

Not entirely sure if this is even a poem so I've posted it as a "fun" post.  a strung it together a while ago so it would interesting to see what people think.

2nd edit

The Perfect Man

Is there a man out there for me

someone who is ...

Handsome but never vain

Athletic but not Jockey

Tall but not ginormous

Intelligent but never nerdy

Well read but not bookish

Sensitive but never effeminate

Strong but not steroidal

Leading but never tyrannical

Articulate but never wordy --  This paradox is slightly different than the others. Though some people abide by the axiom "never be fancy with language, but God only loves those who worship commas" ARGH! It's so f'in important.

Thoughtful but never aloof

Wise but not a wise guy

Supportive but never clingy

Empathetic but not soft

Romantic but never neurotic

But does he exist?

For I see many of men’s glaring faults

      “Why are you so angry?” I ask              ...           “Darling I’m passionate” he responds

 “Why are you so arrogant?”               ...                 “Sweatheart I’m confident”

“Why are you so annoying?”                 ...                     “Dearest I’m just funny”

   “Why are you so lazy?”               ...           “Honey I’m merely relaxed

“Why are you so over-bearing?”          ...                   “Sweetie pie I’m caring”

“Why are you so worrisome?”                ...              “My lady I’m just concerned”

“Why are you so critical?”                   ...                 “Princess I’m just honest”

“Why are you so pessimistic?”           ...                         “Baby I’m realistic”

“Why are you so immature?”             ...                  “Kitty Cat I’m comical”

“Why are you so disgusting?”           ...                  “Look girl I’m normal”

“Why are you so inconsiderate?”             ...                      “Listen missey I’m male”

The Perfect man?

The perfect man

He would be ...

Handsome but not vain

Athletic but not Jockey

Tall but not ginormous

Intelligent but not nerdy

Well read but not bookish

Sensitive but not effeminate

Strong but not steroidal

Leading but not tyrannical

Articulate but not wordy

Thoughtful but never aloof

Wise but not a wise guy

Supportive but not clingy

Empathetic but not soft

Romantic but not neurotic

But does he exist?

She says he’s angry                       ...              He says he’s passionate

She says he’s arrogant                   ...                 He says he’s confident

She says he’s annoying                 ...                     He says he’s funny

She says he’s lazy                        ...                 He says he’s relaxed

She says he’s over-bearing             ...                   He’s says he’s caring

She says he’s worrying                  ...              He says he’s concerned

She says he’s critical                   ...                  He says he’s honest

She says he’s pessimistic               ...                   He says he’s realistic

She says he’s immature                 ...                  He says he’s comical

She says he disgusting                  ...                  He says he’s normal

She says he’s inconsiderate            ...                       He says he’s male

The Perfect man?

Well, you've got some sort of dialogue, so maybe just make it about tigers and questioning the existence of a divine creator, slap some brand name on it, and you've got something people will study. As for the perfect man bit, it's a bit one sided. Rejection can impact both sexes.