thawed lake
swallows new snow
robins lurk

I love the first two lines, it's a fantastic image with only five words.

I don't like the ending that much, I get that the robins are fearless, but what are they supposed to be afraid of? The lake? Winter?

I'm sitting here wondering what I was thinking with fearless.

Ah, I remember, mid-March snow storms disappear quickly, spring and robins are so close I don't worry bout it. Guess the poem is missing something.

I agree, the first two lines are great, the final line not so much.

Though I do like the robins there, another sign of spring.

Maybe, for the final line, just 'bird song'? Or something like that - a volte effect, but still connected.

Birdsong is lovely, I might use that.

(03-11-2017, 09:28 PM)ellajam Wrote:  thawed lake (This gives a good impression of ice without mentioning the ice, and it's only spoken in two words)

swallows new snow  (Hmm, I'm confused as to what the "new" word means-- I'm guessing a change of season, but in that case, the snow would be old and thawing itself. So I'll have to think about it, hard.)

robins lurk  (The sound of the word "lurk" reminds me of some dark, murky, moist void. I like the use of the word. I'm guessing robins suggest a seasonal change, even though I wouldn't know. The thawing lake suggests it to.)

So, I'm left with not enough information about the Robins, like everyone else has said. One more word, maybe? You gave a very serene image to us, so thank you. I also like that you didn't constrain yourself to a syllabic count. The little poem seems to be free of constraints, like the seasonal change into Spring. Maybe the final word you use could be open-ended, instead of harsh and cut with "lurk".

Thanks for reading and commenting, burrealist. much appreciated. Even a little poem must explain itself without my help, I was going for the last days of winter when new snow disappears rapidly. I hope I have to wait for next year to take another swing at this.

Are Swallows associated with any season? Robins associate with spring- and I think Swallows associate with winter, right?

(03-28-2017, 04:40 AM)burrealist Wrote:  Are Swallows associated with any season? Robins associate with spring- and I think Swallows associate with winter, right?

robins are about to come out, almost spring. I need some line that says that, maybe lilypads. I see swallows mostly in the summer but they may just be hiding in winter, not sure.

I think if something were going to be lurking it would come from under the surface of the water. Maybe some establishing line that depicts that sort of released danger from below.

Just a thought

(03-29-2017, 03:07 AM)Todd Wrote:  I think if something were going to be lurking it would come from under the surface of the water. Maybe some establishing line that depicts that sort of released danger from below.

Just a thought

Thanks, Todd, maybe I'll go to lilypads or trout, they're a spring fish here, or maybe a snapping turtle Nah, too threatening.Or maybe "lurk" is just wrong, the spring stuff waits, not lurks, maybe. Thanks for the comment, I had better pick something already.