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The sea cats claws had ripped the pier
three masts, full rigged the Forrest Hall,
two thousand tonnes without a steer.
No rescue for the sailors call
Louisa's launch would surely fail
so rope and block and one and all
did drag the boat through rain and hail,
up over Countisbury Hill
and o'er bleak Exmoor horse and tail.
Then down to Porlock slipping still
the boat was launched on dawns next day,
to guide them home above the shrill,
all thirteen strong to light their way
on board the schooner stepped the crew
safe anchors dropped by Barry's bay.
They steamed her back to Lyntons pew,
refurbished now for all to view.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(05-19-2016, 08:40 PM)Keith Wrote: The sea cats claws had ripped the pier
three masts, full rigged the Forrest Hall,
two thousand tonnes without a steer.
No rescue for the sailors call
Louisa's launch would surely fail
so rope and block and one and all
did drag the boat through rain and hail,
up over Countisbury Hill
and o'er bleak Exmoor horse and tail.
Then down to Porlock slipping still
the boat was launched on dawns next day,
to guide them home above the shrill,
all thirteen strong to light their way
on board the schooner stepped the crew
safe anchors dropped by Barry's bay.
They steamed her back to Lyntons pew,
refurbished now for all to view.
I see the images, and the rhyme scheme is intriguing - sort of a compressed or stripped-down Spenserian [probably a formal name for it, but new to me]. Suggestions: if Barry's is "on the maps," perhaps "bay" could be capitalized with it (since Contisburry Hill is), but if it's just a bay belonging to Barry, stet. A similar niggle in L1 - needs an appostrophe positioned somewhere in or after "cats" to indicate whether the claws are possessed by one or (more likely) several.
L3 leaves me slightly adrift - presumably what's missing is wheel, rudder, or timoneer. Just a suggestion - "two thousand tonnes but could not steer," or the like. "[H]orse and tail" might also be replaced by "at the trail," but the former may be as specialized a term in cartage as the latter is in the handling of musket and pike.
Very enjoyable poem.
 Non-practicing atheist
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(05-19-2016, 10:31 PM)dukealien Wrote: (05-19-2016, 08:40 PM)Keith Wrote: The sea cats claws had ripped the pier
three masts, full rigged the Forrest Hall,
two thousand tonnes without a steer.
No rescue for the sailors call
Louisa's launch would surely fail
so rope and block and one and all
did drag the boat through rain and hail,
up over Countisbury Hill
and o'er bleak Exmoor horse and tail.
Then down to Porlock slipping still
the boat was launched on dawns next day,
to guide them home above the shrill,
all thirteen strong to light their way
on board the schooner stepped the crew
safe anchors dropped by Barry's bay.
They steamed her back to Lyntons pew,
refurbished now for all to view.
I see the images, and the rhyme scheme is intriguing - sort of a compressed or stripped-down Spenserian [probably a formal name for it, but new to me]. Suggestions: if Barry's is "on the maps," perhaps "bay" could be capitalized with it (since Contisburry Hill is), but if it's just a bay belonging to Barry, stet. A similar niggle in L1 - needs an appostrophe positioned somewhere in or after "cats" to indicate whether the claws are possessed by one or (more likely) several.
L3 leaves me slightly adrift - presumably what's missing is wheel, rudder, or timoneer. Just a suggestion - "two thousand tonnes but could not steer," or the like. "[H]orse and tail" might also be replaced by "at the trail," but the former may be as specialized a term in cartage as the latter is in the handling of musket and pike.
Very enjoyable poem.
Many thanks for the comments Duke all very helpful, I will see what can be done, the form is Terza Rima I believe. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Keith: I love this form, and I think you pulled it off very well. There's a couple of places where the meter stumbles for me at the beginning syllable of a couple of lines. I don't know if it's an acceptable variation to have two stressed syllables at the beginning, I know that a trochee substitution is legit. So, you'll have to forgive my ignorance if I'm just ill informed.
(05-19-2016, 08:40 PM)Keith Wrote: The sea cats claws had ripped the pier
three masts, full rigged the Forrest Hall, -- here's one; I have a hard time not hearing 'three' as stressed along with masts. Then it's back to iambs with 'full rigged'.
two thousand tonnes without a steer. -- I hear TWO THOUsand
No rescue for the sailors call
Louisa's launch would surely fail
so rope and block and one and all
did drag the boat through rain and hail,
up over Countisbury Hill -- I hear 'UP Over'
and o'er bleak Exmoor horse and tail. -- stressing o'er (more of a connecting word) and then de-emphasizing 'bleak' feels awkward.
Then down to Porlock slipping still
the boat was launched on dawns next day,
to guide them home above the shrill,
all thirteen strong to light their way
on board the schooner stepped the crew
safe anchors dropped by Barry's bay. -- SAFE ANchors
They steamed her back to Lyntons pew,
refurbished now for all to view.
The bumps are just noticeable enough to me to be distracting, that's why I mention.
Anyway, it's a good write. Thanks for sharing.
Cheers!
Lizzie
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Joined: Oct 2012
(02-09-2017, 05:43 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Keith: I love this form, and I think you pulled it off very well. There's a couple of places where the meter stumbles for me at the beginning syllable of a couple of lines. I don't know if it's an acceptable variation to have two stressed syllables at the beginning, I know that a trochee substitution is legit. So, you'll have to forgive my ignorance if I'm just ill informed.
(05-19-2016, 08:40 PM)Keith Wrote: The sea cats claws had ripped the pier
three masts, full rigged the Forrest Hall, -- here's one; I have a hard time not hearing 'three' as stressed along with masts. Then it's back to iambs with 'full rigged'.
two thousand tonnes without a steer. -- I hear TWO THOUsand
No rescue for the sailors call
Louisa's launch would surely fail
so rope and block and one and all
did drag the boat through rain and hail,
up over Countisbury Hill -- I hear 'UP Over'
and o'er bleak Exmoor horse and tail. -- stressing o'er (more of a connecting word) and then de-emphasizing 'bleak' feels awkward.
Then down to Porlock slipping still
the boat was launched on dawns next day,
to guide them home above the shrill,
all thirteen strong to light their way
on board the schooner stepped the crew
safe anchors dropped by Barry's bay. -- SAFE ANchors
They steamed her back to Lyntons pew,
refurbished now for all to view.
The bumps are just noticeable enough to me to be distracting, that's why I mention.
Anyway, it's a good write. Thanks for sharing.
Cheers!
Lizzie
Thanks for the help with this Lizzie, I didn't write back sooner because, to be honest I wasn't sure what is acceptable in the form or not, but I will do some more exploring and try to improve it, now I have some comments to guide me, thanks again. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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