another dad poem...

LOVING HANDS
 
Always sticky
Always grabbing
Always clinging
 
Where have they been?
What have they touched?
When were they clean?
              
Now, they’re here
Rubbing my face
Your hands letting me know
We share everything
Like your runny nose

I love it! I'm not a dad, but I'm a five-star uncle so I can somewhat relate to this poem. Haha! The other day my nephew was eating some fruit, with whipped cream and chocolate syrup in a waffle bowl when he asked me if he had a mustache. He had chocolate all over his face so I told him he was working on a full beard. A really great poem. It made my day a bit happier.

(02-08-2017, 02:30 AM)hesawacko Wrote:   
another dad poem...

LOVING HANDS
 
Always sticky
Always grabbing
Always clinging
 
Where have they been?
What have they touched?
When were they clean?
              
Now, they’re here
Rubbing my face    I think I would remove lines 1 and 2 here. The clinging in S1/L3 gets this point across.
Your hands letting me know     I would change "letting" to"let".
We share everything
Like your runny nose    I would suggest replacing "like" with "including".

(02-08-2017, 03:57 AM)JaredEggo Wrote:  I love it! I'm not a dad, but I'm a five-star uncle so I can somewhat relate to this poem. Haha! The other day my nephew was eating some fruit, with whipped cream and chocolate syrup in a waffle bowl when he asked me if he had a mustache. He had chocolate all over his face so I told him he was working on a full beard. A really great poem. It made my day a bit happier.

(02-08-2017, 02:30 AM)hesawacko Wrote:   
another dad poem...

LOVING HANDS
 
Always sticky
Always grabbing
Always clinging
 
Where have they been?
What have they touched?
When were they clean?
              
Now, they’re here
Rubbing my face    I think I would remove lines 1 and 2 here. The clinging in S1/L3 gets this point across.
Your hands letting me know     I would change "letting" to"let".
We share everything
Like your runny nose    I would suggest replacing "like" with "including".

thanks for the great feedback!

Hello. The core of this piece could be stated more compactly. I'd advocate paring it down and doing it as more of a short poem. Here's an example:

Sticky, grabbing, clinging --
what have your hands touched?
When were they last cleaned?
They're rubbing my face.

We share everything,
even your runny nose.

Hello hesawacko,
I am assuming this poem is about your young son/daughter. Personally, I have always found it incredibly difficult to write about my son without it sounding completely sappy, so I applaud your effort here. I find that the bond between a parent and child is just so strong that it's hard to express it without being consumed by it.

I think in your poem you have a workable image (loving hands). However, I think you get bogged down by your feelings as a parent, and this leaves the poem feeling a bit underwhelming. Your poem is titled, “Loving Hands,” but your word choice isn't consistent with the title. For example, you refer to the hands as “clingy.” I understand what you mean there as a parent myself, yet clingy isn't a great word to use when writing about the emotion of love.

Lastly, I thoroughly liked the image of a runny nose as an expression for parental love. I even think it would be worthwhile trying to construct an entire poem just around the idea of sharing everything with your child, even the stuff you don't really want to (i.e. a runny nose). Overall, I think you have a good starting point with this poem, and you just need to retool and expand on your ideas and feelings.

Keep on writing,
Richard

Hey!  I really enjoyed this one, as I work at a school and I have both used and heard the term 'loving hands' when dealing with the younger students.  I like how you began the poem with words like sticky, grabbing, clingy.  To someone older, those aren't exactly words that you would use to define 'loving,' but to a young child none of that matters when it comes to their feelings about a person.  You did a great job showing that a child will gift you with their 'loving hands,' no matter where they have been before.  They give no second thought.

I don't know if you intended it on this level but I enjoy the fact that some people could view the hands as not just a childs hands but a metaphor for things in our life that we grab onto and end up leaving a mark on other people.

Refrain from explaining your poem (i.e. "another dad poem").

Again, I adore the poem as is and wouldn't change much. Maybe runny nose to some other bodily fluid (heh) like terse tears or savory saliva.

But I agree with the poster who said this poem could be so much more than just "a dad poem" (if you hadn't explained it )

I'm a fairly new mom too. So i am enmeshed in your whimsicality about parenthood. But your poem(s) are more than just that.

Keep at it! And let the poems stand on their own. You'll see the interpretations others see and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised if not astounded by yourself and what others see.

Honestly the only thing about this I would change is the word "like" to "even."

I think the rant-like flurry of negative adjectives at the beginning and the parallel questions that follow it make the ending a great fakeout. It makes the poem seem more honest, like you're admitting kids can be annoying but that ultimately you love them anyway. And I like that the lines in each stanza respond in order to the questions and topics addressed in the previous one, so I don't think you need to condense it; it's already economical and what length is there is there for a reason. The way the last sentence is long and flowing after the choppy sequences above it really works for me.

I'm tempted to say you should cut the ending down to "Now they're here letting me know..." but I think you wanted to finally use the word "hands" and that you wanted to reveal what the hands were touching the way you revealed where the hands were after asking those questions in the previous part. Maybe you could change it to "Now your hands are here rubbing my face, letting..."?

The way the phrase "your hands" enters the sentence makes it sound like a reveal, but in using a pronoun earlier in the sentence it's like you've already assumed the reader knows what you're talking about, so it does sound a little awkward reading it.

I really love this and I can definitely relate. I really wouldn't change a thing. Although I can see the merit in shortening it down by removing the "always" I truly know how that always feels and I think it is important to convey to the reader that state of being.

(02-08-2017, 02:30 AM)hesawacko Wrote:   
another dad poem...

LOVING HANDS
 
Always sticky
Always grabbing
Always clinging
 
Where have they been?
What have they touched?
When were they clean?
              
Now, they’re here
Rubbing my face
Your hands letting me know
We share everything
Like your runny nose

hello hesawacko, I'm with lizzie on this one but i would leave in one "always"...  "Always sticky,grabbing and clinging" I also like the "where, what and when" thing going on in S2 it's kinda cute and reminds me of written reports when i was in school lol

I like the poem but I think the last portion could use some work. If you could cut it down to 3 lines it would make the poem look more structured to me. Also if you choose to keep the "like your runny nose" line I would maybe reword it. The way it's worded now sounds like you're comparing the fact that you share everything to a trait of the child's runny nose. Overall though, this is a sweet poem and I like the "dad" theme you're going with.

Hi! Just wanted to give a big thank you to anyone who's read and commented on my few poems. I've actually composed close to 100 of these, and I was just recently able to sell the book to Running Press. "Stark Raving Dad" will be coming out Father's Day 2019!!

Hey , loved it, liked the centre which used when, where and what. 

Kind regards - Jack