Thread closed awaiting the OP's return.

can't decide if your love's become poison or soma
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos
warm light beaming through the shutters
it's morning and we've sinned again

Each of us is expected to give at least one new critique to someone else before posting a new workshop thread. Please catch up. Thanks, ella.

can't decide if your love's become poison or soma
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee.................................I like it
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos.........................Maybe redo "particle of the cosmos". That does sound cool so it's understandable
warm light beaming through the shutters                                              that you'd want to keep it but maybe something shorter like "navigate our parts" 
it's morning and we've sinned again
[/quote]


Maybe change "which" to "while".
Overall, good!

can't decide if your love's become poison or soma
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos
warm light beaming through the shutters
it's morning and we've sinned again

Just some general thoughts: "typical" is interesting here; on the one hand, it seems that what you want to express is "it's the usual," where 'it' refers to your morning coffee and smoke (this would be descriptive); on the other hand, with "it's typical," at least the way I read it, the 'it' wants to refer back to your love, in which case you are describing it as of the type that might be suggested by 'tobacco teamed with cold coffee' (this would be thinking out loud more than straightforward description), in which case you might wish to do a bit more with 'tobacco' (e.g., 'a second-hand smoke'--just shooting from the hip--I don't smoke, so the argot eludes me). The "crutches..." line becomes abstract--I'm not sure I wouldn't prefer sticking with vivid description of the setting that might allude to what the abstract formulation baldly spoon feeds. Tobacco and cold coffee suggest to me 'young' 'urban' 'apartment'--maybe a little decadence. "Shutters" suggests to me a (clean) house in the suburbs or countryside. 'Sinned," too, moves this more to the suburbs, maybe somewhere in the bible belt; it also heavily stacks the deck in favor of "poison," which is (in and of itself) unfortunate and might defuse the gravity of your opening quandary by revealing the locus of the problem.

(11-21-2016, 11:36 PM)AlexSharp Wrote:    Hi Alex,
pithy and direct poem -

can't decide if your love's become poison or soma..............like the doubt in this conversational line.
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee................."typical' threw me, 'ordinary?
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos.............'.I would cut navigate our particle of cosmos'
warm light beaming through the shutters
it's morning and we've sinned again...........love these closing lines.

Quote:can't decide if your love's become poison or soma
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos
warm light beaming through the shutters
it's morning and we've sinned again

This seems like a collection of sentences rather than a poem; it's not sonorous. I'd advise paying more attention to the rhythm and sound of the words.

e.g. in this alteration -
"it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee,
crutches we use to traverse our cosmic particle"
- the "-ic" sounds similar to the "-ee" and the "-le" is close to "-ld"; and "particle of the cosmos" is to stuttery between "particle" and "cosmos", which jars with the previous line because the ending syllables there are all stressed pretty much evenly. "navigate" was a little jarring because it is composed of three short syllables; "traverse" continues the alliteration and consists of two longer syllables, making it easier to read in the context. Also, "on which we" is a little clunky because these words alliterate despite being irrelevant to the meaning of the poem.

Punctuation always helps as well, for example:

Quote:can't decide if your love's become poison or soma.
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee,
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos.
warm light beaming through the shutters -
it's morning and we've sinned again

Oh, and I'd replace "beaming" with "beams". The "-s" carries through to "shutters", "it's" and then to "sinned", making the last couple of lines flow better.

I suppose you get the gist.

Aside from the technical details, I think you'd do well to expand on the theme a little more. It's quite ambiguous as it stands, and doesn't seem to drive a point home, rather, it seems there are a few points that haven't been fleshed out. I guess the general advice is don't stop until you've fully realised your mental image / concept.

Hey Alex,
Your poem made me pause and think. I love much of the language use and the overall idea of the paradoxical nature of the relationship described in the poem. I actually think your poem would have benefited from focusing more on the paradox of the relationship being both poisonous and life giving. As well, there's almost a sense of self-loathing for the speaker, and I would love to see that feeling explored more.

In terms of style, I agree with your lack of punctuation. Personally, I think punctuation doesn't need to be part of modern poetry, but that is just my opinion. I would even go as far as to suggest breaking your lines into two or three individual lines each. For example:

can't decide
if your love's
poison or soma

To me, that would add emphasis to some of the words that are important to the meaning of your poem. Overall, I like what I see here and hope to read more poems from you in the future.

Keep writing,
Richard

(11-21-2016, 11:36 PM)AlexSharp Wrote:  can't decide if your love's become poison or soma                  
it's typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee                          This line feels a little loose... typical tobacco?
crutches on which we navigate our particle of the cosmos      Sagan would be proud. I like the props bit.
warm light beaming through the shutters                             Feels a little disconnected from the previous sentence. A space is needed
it's morning and we've sinned again                                     Good end

While it starts with an overdone omelette of a line (it reminded me of the people who wrote "Love is sweet poison" on slambooks), I really likes where it goes after. I get this image of a dusty room, light falling on a naked body on the bed, and a shady guy in a hat sitting in a chair, smoking and drinking. A murderer vibe, too, for some reason, and an old school, hard living feel. I really enjoyed it for reasons I cannot fully comprehend. All you need is to tighten that middle bit, and I think it'd be great.

I like the imagery you've created with your wording. The feeling of insignificance you've created actually is quite relatable and I love that you've adequately incorporated that feeling into such a short poem. I'm still having difficulty fitting the first line in with the subject of the rest of the poem but otherwise I think it's great.

A great description of that point in every relationship when we begin to settle into the ordinary, sometimes stale, predictable routines of life. The two are not committed legally, but enough so that the author is wanting more of something, more excitement in bed perhaps? In this way, I'd rethink the term "poison" in the first line. Poison is a strong term for something that's repetitive, or stale and mundane like the next line describes - typical tobacco teamed with cold coffee.

Also, I think I'd toy around with the structure, break it down more as Richard noted:

can't decide
if your love's
become poison
or soma

it's typical tobacco
teamed with
cold coffee

crutches
on which we
navigate our particle of the cosmos

warm light
beaming through the shutters
it's morning
and we've sinned
again