The changing leaves lie heavy
from all-day rain.
Each one hangs like a picture of itself,

not bumping into its neighbor,
or baring its underbelly
like yesterday.

Today, they pose glossy side up
like waxed supermarket produce,
silvery with polished rain, as if expecting company.

The changing leaves lie heavy
from all-day rain.
Each one hangs like a picture of itself,

not bumping into its neighbor,
dancing, or baring its underbelly
like yesterday.

Today, they pose glossy side up
[the side that looks like waxed supermarket produce],
silvery with polished rain, as if expecting company.

One drops to the ground, then another,
like daisy petals plucked
by the hand of some quiescence
buried deep inside its own mind.

(10-14-2016, 07:51 AM)lizziep Wrote:  The changing leaves lie heavy
from all-day rain.
Each one hangs like a picture of itself,  do you need "of itself"?

not bumping into it's neighbor,
dancing, or baring it's underbelly
like yesterday. nice

Today, they pose glossy side up
[the side that looks like waxed supermarket produce],
silvery with polished rain, as if expecting company.

One drops to the ground, then another,
like daisy petals plucked
by the hand of some quiescent entity
buried deep inside its own mind.

Lovely fall poem

(10-14-2016, 07:51 AM)lizziep Wrote:  The changing leaves lie heavy
from all-day rain.
Each one hangs like a picture of itself, i like of itself; it adds a layer of meaning to the speaker, distance, incredulity..

not bumping into it's neighbor,
dancing, or baring it's underbelly
like yesterday. melancholy observation fits L3/S1 

Today, they pose glossy side up
[the side that looks like waxed supermarket produce],  on the fake in nature again
silvery with polished rain, as if expecting company. expecting company b/c of polished?

One drops to the ground, then another,
like daisy petals plucked
by the hand of some quiescent entity i don't like; you could use quiescence 
buried deep inside its own mind. burned confuses me with all the water; buried might be better, drowning, submerged, somthing like that?

how does the title fit the poem?

i like how the observations tell about the speaker without ever mentioning the speaker. thanks for posting!

Kole,

Yes, I think quiescence works better. Thanks for the tip.
I already had buried, so I'm not going to change that. I can still give you credit for it though, if you'd like.

Ha! Sorry about that. Sometimes my eyes see words that aren't there

I liked

(10-14-2016, 07:51 AM)lizziep Wrote:  The changing leaves lie heavy
from all-day rain.
Each hung like a picture of itself,

thereafter, not so much. But this is miscellaneous, so I won't go into the details.

(10-14-2016, 10:39 AM)Achebe Wrote:  I liked

(10-14-2016, 07:51 AM)lizziep Wrote:  The changing leaves lie heavy
from all-day rain.
Each hung like a picture of itself,

thereafter, not so much. But this is miscellaneous, so I won't go into the details.

Oh? Shall I have it moved?

---

Thanks for the read, Wjames

Nice, Lizzie - haiku-like observations in the first three, but I felt intruded upon in the fourth. Don't need a quiescent entity in there, for me. We already know that they're changing, and with the weight of water they're going to fall.

Ooh, and with your avatar it feels ----- even wetter. I agree with jm, in the sense that the fourth stanza doesn't really work for me, but for a slightly different reason -- I don't really mind having a quiescent entity, it feels unobtrusive enough, but what does feel intrusive is that movement, which should itself be another scene, I think. Leaves lying heavy, leaves only posing, not dancing or bumping or even merely baring, and then suddenly leaves dropping -- with the thought of the stanza's later lines still focusing on that calm, that stillness, that quiesence-ss, it feels like a stone plopping into my eye. As well, perhaps the description of that movement too, plucking petals from a daisy is, from a botanical perspective, too similar to leaves being "plucked" off of branches ---- oh, and *most* importantly, on lines four and five, its instead of it's.

(10-14-2016, 08:24 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  and *most* importantly, on lines four and five, its instead of it's.

Yes, that is the most important. How embarrassing. I know better.
Thanks for your input, River.