I love china. 
The other day I met a Chinese, and he smiled at me. 
They love me. 

I love flori-da.
I built a big hotel, and everybody loves me. 
I told them keep the piping just the way it is.
Now it's like Las Vegas,
with that show about Atlantis.
It's so great.

There's something like a hive of bees.
What are these bees?
Who said anything about bees?
I don't know any bees?

Cupid shot me with a big gold brick.
Now everybody loves me.
I first saw myself.
The rest,
I grab 'em by the pussy. 

Smile and wave. Smile and wave. 
Line please. Line please.
"Isis, Isis, Isis"
(way hotter than Jesus by the way)
Does anybody hear those bees?

Way too big to fail.
So I told him, take the Taj Mahal.
I don't need India.
The Chinese love me. 

Ouch the little bastard moved on me.
Tied his tiny, metronomic heart 
to a worthless, backbone-like sword. 

Kill the honey bees and choke the world. 
I am Moloch's drunken product.
Hitler's nothing but a boring uncle.

Only all of them in concert can do anything about it.

What's that humming?
Isn't there a line for that?
Who cares? Just keep squishing them.
It just keeps getting louder.

xD Dx

---

On a more constructive note, I've been ignoring that theater for a while now, the local life starts to match such stress, so I'm not sure about all of the controversies informing this. Samantha Bee? And "Moloch's drunken product" sounds way too grandiose, "Hitler's nothing but a boring uncle", though clever, is still overdone -- I don't think he'll ever do anything as drastic as Hitler, and telling him off like Ginsberg told the world may compliment him a bit too much.

Yes, the poem is fun even if the subject is not. And river, never rule out the unimaginable when someone preaches to one crowd that their problems will be solved by stomping on some other group, humans play this scene over and over.

The voice in this one is brilliant. I can hear the bastard quite well...

A few suggestions on this

(10-11-2016, 12:46 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  I love china. 
The other day I met a Chinese, and he smiled at me. 
They love me. 

I love flori-da.
I built a big hotel, and everybody loves me. 
I told them keep the piping just the way it is.
Now it's like Las Vegas,
with that show about Atlantis.
It's so great.

There's something like a hive of bees.
What are these bees?
Who said anything about bees?
I don't know any bees?

Cupid shot me with a big gold brick.
Now everybody loves me.
I first saw myself.
The rest,
I grab 'em by the pussy. 

Smile and wave. Smile and wave. 
Line please. Line please.
"Isis, Isis, Isis"
(way hotter than Jesus by the way)
Does anybody hear those bees?

Way too big to fail.
So I told him, take the Taj Mahal.
I don't need India.
The Chinese love me. 

Ouch the little bastard moved on me. Here, the voice shifts. These words are too advanced for the fool. Maybe put them in italics and disassociate the fool from an omniscient narrator. This is more commentary than a fool's comment.
Tied his tiny, metronomic heart 
to a worthless, backbone-like sword. 

Kill the honey bees and choke the world. 
I am Moloch's drunken product. So drop I here
Hitler's nothing but a boring uncle.

Only all of them in concert can do anything about it. Again not th voice of the fool but of resistance to him

What's that humming?
Isn't there a line for that? I hear him here
Who cares? Just keep squishing them. This is like the demon on his shoulder
It just keeps getting louder. Omniscient

Great read. Great work with voice. A few places bring in other voices for me though. Build on that?

Since this is not, or anyway is not a run-of-the-mill bulletin board, this is not a straight-up example of Godwin's Law ("He who first introduces Hitler or the Nazis ends the discussion and loses the argument").  It may lie in the penumbra thereof.

Now write one about Evita Clinton, her Peronist politics and closets full of skeletons... no?  Well, play politics, get played.  It's the way of the world.

As an expression of disgust with a specific living person, based on opposition talking-points, this is well and artfully done.

(10-11-2016, 10:04 PM)kolemath Wrote:  

(10-11-2016, 12:46 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  Ouch the little bastard moved on me. Here, the voice shifts. These words are too advanced for the fool. Maybe put them in italics and disassociate the fool from an omniscient narrator. This is more commentary than a fool's comment.
Tied his tiny, metronomic heart 
to a worthless, backbone-like sword. 

Well, he did use braggadocious -- er...

And I just said so, ella, because so far whenever he was steered Hitler's way he went and turned his course -- but perhaps you're right. In which case, please be wrong.

And maybe someone will write about Clinton, but I'm sure the time's not now, duke --- too many people forget to choose the (far) lesser evil.

(10-11-2016, 03:11 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  xD Dx

---

On a more constructive note, I've been ignoring that theater for a while now, the local life starts to match such stress, so I'm not sure about all of the controversies informing this. Samantha Bee? And "Moloch's drunken product" sounds way too grandiose, "Hitler's nothing but a boring uncle", though clever, is still overdone -- I don't think he'll ever do anything as drastic as Hitler, and telling him off like Ginsberg told the world may compliment him a bit too much.

I guess your right on the criticism. I was going for ADD. Hitler seems too studious for Trump. I don't know I thought people used bees for democracy. Not sure that's really the case.

---

(10-11-2016, 08:36 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Yes, the poem is fun even if the subject is not. And river, never rule out the unimaginable when someone preaches to one crowd that their problems will be solved by stomping on some other group, humans play this scene over and over.

Politics suck.

---

(10-11-2016, 10:04 PM)kolemath Wrote:  The voice in this one is brilliant. I can hear the bastard quite well...

A few suggestions on this

(10-11-2016, 12:46 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  I love china. 
The other day I met a Chinese, and he smiled at me. 
They love me. 

I love flori-da.
I built a big hotel, and everybody loves me. 
I told them keep the piping just the way it is.
Now it's like Las Vegas,
with that show about Atlantis.
It's so great.

There's something like a hive of bees.
What are these bees?
Who said anything about bees?
I don't know any bees?

Cupid shot me with a big gold brick.
Now everybody loves me.
I first saw myself.
The rest,
I grab 'em by the pussy. 

Smile and wave. Smile and wave. 
Line please. Line please.
"Isis, Isis, Isis"
(way hotter than Jesus by the way)
Does anybody hear those bees?

Way too big to fail.
So I told him, take the Taj Mahal.
I don't need India.
The Chinese love me. 

Ouch the little bastard moved on me. Here, the voice shifts. These words are too advanced for the fool. Maybe put them in italics and disassociate the fool from an omniscient narrator. This is more commentary than a fool's comment.
Tied his tiny, metronomic heart 
to a worthless, backbone-like sword. 

Kill the honey bees and choke the world. 
I am Moloch's drunken product. So drop I here
Hitler's nothing but a boring uncle.

Only all of them in concert can do anything about it. Again not th voice of the fool but of resistance to him

What's that humming?
Isn't there a line for that? I hear him here
Who cares? Just keep squishing them. This is like the demon on his shoulder
It just keeps getting louder. Omniscient

Great read. Great work with voice. A few places bring in other voices for me though. Build on that?

Thanks for looking at it. The fragmented voices are a problem with this thing.

---

(10-12-2016, 01:09 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Since this is not, or anyway is not a run-of-the-mill bulletin board, this is not a straight-up example of Godwin's Law ("He who first introduces Hitler or the Nazis ends the discussion and loses the argument").  It may lie in the penumbra thereof.

Now write one about Evita Clinton, her Peronist politics and closets full of skeletons... no?  Well, play politics, get played.  It's the way of the world.

As an expression of disgust with a specific living person, based on opposition talking-points, this is well and artfully done.

I think Clinton is a little more complex than Trump. The tragedy of Billy Bush or the downfall of a misplaced Rabbit Angstrom may be good however. I saw a tabloid with the title diabetes nightmare, and it had a photoshopped picture of David Hasselhoff (from night rider) with emphasized jelly rolls, same thing.

I think your poem is YOOOOOOOOOGE!

Is it a found poem, from his speeches, or just imitating his voice? I've been wanting to make one from his speeches. Your format mimics his delivery really well.

(10-13-2016, 04:49 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  I think your poem is YOOOOOOOOOGE!

Is it a found poem, from his speeches, or just imitating his voice? I've been wanting to make one from his speeches. Your format mimics his delivery really well.

I think you should make one about him. It's kind of fun.  Guy loves his old school golf hats.