Up against the wall, chilling, contemplating everything we've been through,
we get too close and touch. It's such a good feeling
that I won't be leaving anytime soon
The bruise she brought to work today blows my mind but there's no way to help her,
so I sat there and held her under the moon.
Cause I know I couldn't convince that no one should ever treat her that way.

Now I'm on the sofa, with the mota, passing television...
Standing up, he grabs her hair, and smacks her
open palm across the jaw
and before she could fall, hits her again.
The shit and smoke were under broke as she spits and chokes on his distorted rage.
Now I'm coming down from space, with a weapon,
and my feet flying over the loveseat, leading the way.

My instincts replied when he tried to kill Kelly.
Smash a glass bottle and his face turns to jelly.
Knees pummel his belly. 
Jesus, no one was ready.

I wake up still shaking.  It's almost noon and my open wounds are raw.
How I got home, I don't know, but I've never been hungrier 
and nothing seems funnier than nine missed calls.
I've seen her since out with her friends.  Her new man? I wonder if he's violent,
and if in her silence, she carries it all.
Cause I know I couldn't convince her that no one should ever leave her that way.

Overall a strong poem with powerful images. Nice guys finish last. The rhyme is distracting to me though, almost trivializing the severity of the content. I could go line for line but don't know if you want that in novice.

Thanks fornthe read

An important topic. Good choice for a serious piece. I've wanted to do the same thing, smash a guy's brains in for hitting a girl. I get it.

I agree with kolemath that the random rhyming does seem to give it a lighthearted feel, which I don't know if you're going for.

The line breaks feel random, and it reads like prose except for the occasional burst of strict rhyme.

In the end, the heart comes through, and that's the main thing.

Thanks for sharing,

Luke

(10-09-2016, 11:18 AM)Bueller Wrote:  An important topic. Good choice for a serious piece. I've wanted to do the same thing, smash a guy's brains in for hitting a girl. I get it.  The main idea I'm trying to express is 'violence begets violence'

I agree with kolemath that the random rhyming does seem to give it a lighthearted feel, which I don't know if you're going for. Didnt think it was random so much as subtle, here's the rhyme pattern by how I organized it

S1: through, soon, moon
       feeling, leaving
      help her, held her
S2: television, again, weapon
       jaw, fall
       rage, space
S4:  raw, calls, all
       hungrier, funnier
       violent, silence

The line breaks feel random, and it reads like prose except for the occasional burst of strict rhyme. I think some of the breaks might be cause the line was too long, and I'd like to know more of the difference between prose and anything else. I thought this piece was borderline 

In the end, the heart comes through, and that's the main thing. Thanks for reading

Thanks for sharing,

Luke

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(10-09-2016, 09:35 AM)kolemath Wrote:  Overall a strong poem with powerful images. Nice guys finish last. The rhyme is distracting to me though, almost trivializing the severity of the content. I could go line for line but don't know if you want that in novice.

Thanks fornthe read

If you want to do a line for line I'll consider all your comments wholeheartedly, it just seemed exhausting for this one  

First stanza leads into second stanza lost of mind "mota" into TV world, third stanza oh yeah revenge , fourth stanza okay you get over it, stay tune more to come, will she or wont she. 

Nice write but im i close 

A strong topic to talk about which is clear throughout with some interesting imagery as well. I like "Now I am coming down from space, with a weapon," gives a picture of a person with real intent. The random rhyming works well in places e.g. "Now I'm on the sofa, with the mota, passing television..." But other times you might want to consider e.g. the third stanza. I feel it adds humour to the poem if you were going for black humour fair enough, if not consider changing it but I won't go as far as to say it makes your poem frivolous it just depends what you want to do with it.