Thanks edit

I know this.
That is, 
you don't come around here
like you need something from me
that I can't give.
No, you don't come around at all,
and that,
I appreciate.

You're Welcome edit

When she was overwhelmed,
she'd lay down and pray,
searching for a sign.

I gave her my word
that you've got her back.
You've got her back...

Ungrateful as you are,
the blood is in your arms
cause you've got her back.






Original

Thanks (intro)


I know this,
that is,

you don't come around here
like you need something from me that I can't give.
No, you don't come around at all.

For that,
I appreciate.



You're Welcome (outro)


When she was overwhelmed,
You sent me away,
and gave him a sign.

He gave me his word
that You've got her back.
You've got her back...

I'm out in the mud,
the blood is in my arms,
but You've got her back.

(10-07-2016, 03:05 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  This is the intro and outro of a larger work that's supposed to follow the 5 stages of grief.  I think the 'Thanks' is fine.  'You're Welcome' was originally just called 'You've Got Her Back'  but I was thinking of the greater scheme...  which seems like more cliches.  Please tear it apart, thank you!

Thanks


I know this, These two lines not needed
that is,

You don't come around here
like you need something from me that I can't give.
No, you don't come around at all. Delete No

For that, for what?
I appreciate that.



You're Welcome


When she was overwhelmed,
you sent me away,
and gave him a sign. she  you, him confusing

He gave me his word
that you've got her back.
You've got her back... why the repeat?

I'm out in the mud,
the blood's still in my arms, what blood?
but you've got her back.

You need to develop this more because it has too many gaps and inconsistencies

(10-07-2016, 05:22 AM)zorcas Wrote:  

(10-07-2016, 03:05 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  This is the intro and outro of a larger work that's supposed to follow the 5 stages of grief.  I think the 'Thanks' is fine.  'You're Welcome' was originally just called 'You've Got Her Back'  but I was thinking of the greater scheme...  which seems like more cliches.  Please tear it apart, thank you!

Thanks


I know this, These two lines not needed  symmetry
that is,

You don't come around here
like you need something from me that I can't give.
No, you don't come around at all. Delete No  no

For that, for what?   I'm bitter about being alone, simultaneously expecting what can't be given from company.
I appreciate that.        a sarcastic thanks, it is my problem.



You're Welcome


When she was overwhelmed,
you sent me away,
and gave him a sign. she  you, him confusing   absolutely right, I don't know what I'm saying

He gave me his word
that you've got her back.
You've got her back... why the repeat?   i guess I'm just repeating it to myself, to wrap my head around it.

I'm out in the mud,
the blood's still in my arms, what blood?  The only reason blood would not be in the arms is if it was 'let out?'   I want to say I'm over it but not over it, like the five stages are not an ending but a cycle
but you've got her back.

You need to develop this more because it has too many gaps and inconsistencies  thank you for the help here, I am trying to develop it, and your perspective helps.  Thank you!

(10-07-2016, 03:05 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  This is the intro and outro of a larger work that's supposed to follow the 5 stages of grief.  I think the 'Thanks' is fine.  'You're Welcome' was originally just called 'You've Got Her Back'  but I was thinking of the greater scheme...  which seems like more cliches.  Please tear it apart, thank you!

Thanks
Tempting thugh it is to read the previous crits I have not succumbed. This is my take....take it or leave it

I know this,
that is,If you want to open on a cryptic note then the path is set. Trouble is, poor grammar and deliberate obfuscation are very hard to tell apart...so unless the rest of the poem goes firmly one way or the other you have shot yourself in the foot with the first line. I can see you are attempting to infer ponder and hesitancy of thought but strange and random ( perhaps the wrong descriptor...I mean "not clearly purposeful ) line breaks don't do it for me. I "think" in short but COMPLETE phrases and believe that most of us do.

you don't come around here
like you need something from me that I can't give.I am lost in the inexactitude of meaning. Is that good? You could clean this up and STILL make an impact...no, just "make an impact"
No, you don't come around at all.

For that,
I appreciate.For that I am appreciative. Is this a problem?



You're Welcome


When she was overwhelmed,Bewildered. Who she? Who he? I can just tell that you are busting to say something meaningful but you are locked in your own thinking and  have not shared enough with your reader,
You sent me away,
and gave him a sign.To be blunt. I do not get this at all...and I have tried. Lack of information is the problem

He gave me his word
that You've got her back.Why capitalise you've?
You've got her back...

I'm out in the mud,
the blood is in my arms,
but You've got her back.Wha...who...

I am dead in the water and do not care. If you "seriously" want to cameo a deep sentiment in viewable words you MUST first and foremost INCLUDE your reader. If you do not expect the words to be read...say anything. This reads like anything.
Best,
tectak

Since this is an intro/outro thing, I figured the intro could be cryptic as long as the major work unveiled more later, since the five stages of grief are an internal experience, the I and You is me and my version of the god I talk to in my head. So I tried to make you're welcome god's response toward my progression.