The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance,
rising in soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path.

We chose the toughest route, testing the tires, 
attacking the pedals, and embracing the anguish
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline.

My eyes stung with sweat 
as we began the breakneck descent 
down the hills rear end.

When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs,
and the ocean cold made us squeal 
before a tired quiet fell upon us,
and we heard the ocean speak.

Really love the imagery of this, especially the last two stanzas! Below in bold are just a few comments that I'd have to maybe tighten up the general flow of the piece.

The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance,
rising in a soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path. I would maybe consider restructuring the line break to appear after 'crescendo.' The next line may flow a little smoother if it were 'as our bikes approached the sea on a root strewn path.' Also, I think the 'a' before crescendo could be dropped and lead to a harder hitting image.

We chose the toughest route, testing the tires, 
attacking the pedals, and ignoring the anguish
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline. I'd be a bit careful with the alliteration of somewhat obscure words here. I felt like it removed me as the reader from what was at first a very clear image. Maybe replace bosky with a softer synonym? 

My eyes stung with sweat 
as we began the breakneck descent 
down the hills rear end. Love this image, really cool way of posing the descent down the back side of the hill.

When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs, Kissed can sometimes seem a little light on depth, so maybe search for another word. Depending on what emotion you're searching for you could have some fun here. 
and the ocean cold made us squeal 
before a tired quiet fell upon us,
and we heard the ocean speak. Lovely final three lines!

(09-29-2016, 10:16 PM)Wjames Wrote:  The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance,
rising in a soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path. 

We chose the toughest route, testing the tires, 
attacking the pedals, and ignoring the anguish
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline. I like the rhythm of this stanza. It expresses the action that you’re describing. You would add more of an edge if you remove the ‘and’ conjunction. 

I wonder if ‘ignoring’ is the best way to describe your relationship with your anguish. The word signals indifference and veers from the attitude of resoluteness that you portray in this stanza (the attitude that wins you the salt air’s affection in the end).

My eyes stung with sweat 
as we began the breakneck descent 
down the hills rear end. Removing ‘as’ would improve this stanza in my opinion. ‘As’ is a simple juxtaposition, and for this why not simply juxtapose the two clauses, no need for a conjunction? Or you might expand on the relationship between the two - how is the stinging of your eyes connected with your descent? There is an interplay here between your private experience (“my eyes”) and your belonging to the larger ‘we’. That would be interesting to articulate as well. 

When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs,
and the ocean cold made us squeal 
before a tired quiet fell upon us,
and we heard the ocean speak.

You create a fascinating interplay between three subjects throughout your poem: your “I”, portrayed as a receptive body, experiencing the actions of nature and the effects of collective striving (“my ears”, “my eyes”, “my lungs”); the “we”, the human subject actively confronting nature through choice and exertion; and nature itself in its various manifestations (“dulcet waves”, “salt air”, “ocean cold”). Nature for you is not an indifferent, impersonal force. It rewards you for your striving with a kiss and with a message. It’s as if it wants to be seduced and won. I wonder what you heard. 

Thanks for your thoughts guys, I'm going to put a couple of them to use right now, and maybe a few more later 

Namely, I'm removing the "a" before crescendo, and change "ignoring the anguish" to "embracing the anguish".

(09-29-2016, 10:16 PM)Wjames Wrote:  The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance, at or from? And "dulcet waves" is truly quite sweet.
rising in soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path.

We chose the toughest route, testing the tires, Somehow, the narrative arrangement feels off: isn't the root strewn path already the toughest route? I'd support changing the tense here: "We'd chosen..."
attacking the pedals, and embracing the anguish Try removing "and".
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline. Though not a style I often favor, the sonics do make up for the wordiness.

My eyes stung with sweat This line reads somewhat too passive -- I'd prefer "Sweat stung my eyes". And the movement to this image feels somewhat artificial: were you not getting sweaty already, having chosen the "toughest route"? And either way, somehow this feels like the direct continuation of the last stanza's sentence, so that "bosky incline" should end with a comma, not a period.
as we began the breakneck descent 
down the hills rear end. hill's. And I'm not sure "rear end" is the best choice here....*farts*....oh, excuse me.

When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs, Trying removing the comma at the end.
and the ocean cold made us squeal Squeal reminds me too much of either rats or teenage girls.
before a tired quiet fell upon us, Try removing the comma.
and we heard the ocean speak.
Lovely work.

Some really beautiful imagery and lines in this - and the coming to nature at the end hits you as if you are there.
The opening and closing lines I enjoyed especially, as I did the bellicose... wordy but reads great!

My eyes stung with sweat
as we began the breakneck descent
down the hills rear end.
- I find this stanza pretty ugly compared to the rest. Is this intended to mirror the effort and struggle of the cyclists? Even if this the case I think it still would make a nicer read if it was more in tune with the rest. Also really not a fan of the hill's (apostrophe needs to go in?) rear end. There must be a more decorated way of saying this, that is, presuming you would edit in line with the rest.

As you personify nature at the end through the sea, i wonder if there is any chance of using more language associated with nature throughout? Though it does work well as is, mainly. There are some weak uses of "the" & "and" that could maybe be changed to a more colourful word, or an adjective. Something like "taunting tough tires". Some nice alliteration added then too. I don't think this poem needs "the"s for flow, as mentioned bar that one stanza it read to me beautifully.

I also agree entirely with previous critic's views on the word "squeal" - makes what is an almost totally relaxed and satisfying ending a bit agitated imo. I also agree with previous critic on removing the comma on the penultimate line. I read it naturally anyway, but I can't see why you'd encourage any pause between the last two lines.

(09-29-2016, 10:16 PM)Wjames Wrote:  I'm getting that the physical journey you both take is matched by an emotional one, and in each, you arrive at the eternal sea, mother of us all. I've left some comments on the lines. I think you just need to chop away a bit, then take another look. It's a good extended metaphor that you could strengthen.



The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance,
rising in soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path.

We chose the toughest route up, testing the tires, This is where your poem starts, for me. 
attacking the pedals, and embracing the anguish
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline. 'bosky' sticks out here. (As did 'dulcet' but I nixed that whole stanza. : ) But if you add 'up' to your first line, you can cut the last four words. I like 'frenzy' here, for meaning as well as repeated sound rhymes.

My eyes stung with sweat  I like the sensory jab here
as we began the breakneck descent descent / down - do you need both?
down the hill's rear end. 

When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs, I'd put a line break at 'trees', no comma. No comma after 'lungs' either.
and the ocean cold made us squeal 'ocean cold' is a bit clunky - is it 'cold ocean' or 'ocean's cold'? 'made us' feels passive - maybe try 'we squealed' somehow
before a tired quiet fell upon us,
and we heard the ocean speak. I really like this ending

Thanks very much guys, I'm definitely going to revise this one.