I conjured you with dreams and stolen skin, 
The runes evil with deep longing. 
Your curves and muscles formed within 
The confines of my warped bedding. 
A shelf to lay a head of stone upon, 
To melt it down to warm sinews... 
That was your torso of living iron; 
The heat between its plates renews, 
And I am yours; obedient, I crave 
What clefts and grows behind the doors of Shame. 

"Of Mist and Fancies thou art formed, a Knave 
To show me Cities long debauched in Fame..." 
The spell created buttocks, lips, and lies, 
To seek a flowered stalk between your thighs.

This seems pretty good to me. But I have to drink a cup of cofee and possibly be stuck on a bus to normally sit through a sonnet. 

(09-20-2016, 10:20 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  I conjured you with dreams and stolen skin, 
The runes evil with deep longing. 
Your curves and muscles formed within 
The confines of my warped bedding. 
A shelf to lay a head of stone upon,  -- Preposition, which could be tightened. stone head = head of stone. Meter should be accompanied by precision ideally. 
To melt it down to warm sinews... 
That was your torso of living iron; 
The heat between its plates renews, 
And I am yours; obedient, I crave 
What clefts and grows behind the doors of Shame. -- behind the doors of shame = too many prepositions again.  Behind shameful doors would be simpler, of course you still have your meter with the sonnet.

"Of Mist and Fancies thou art formed, a Knave 
To show me Cities long debauched in Fame..." 
The spell created buttocks, lips, and lies, 
To seek a flowered stalk between your thighs.

I think when or if you edit, you should see if subject and verbs indicate your precise meaning, and you should prune unnecessary language. Seems pretty good though. I mean its mellifluous and what not.

Thank you for your kind and constructive criticism, Brownlie I see what you mean about the prepositions.

(09-20-2016, 10:20 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  I conjured you with dreams and stolen skin, IP
The runes evil with deep longing. Weird. the RUNES Evil with DEEP LONGing
Your curves and muscles formed within IT
The confines of my warped bedding. Another weird one, and I'm not sure how to stress confines. the CONfines OF my WARPED BEDding
A shelf to lay a head of stone upon, IT
To melt it down to warm sinews... Yet another weird one, though at least consistent. to MELT it DOWN to WARM SINews
That was your torso of living iron; Yet another weird one. that WAS your TORso of LIVing Iron.
The heat between its plates renews, IT
And I am yours; obedient, I crave IT
What clefts and grows behind the doors of Shame. IP. So I take the intention is IP in the first and tenth lines, and IT in the rest? But your use of cleft is weird: isn't it the past tense of cleave already? 

"Of Mist and Fancies thou art formed, a Knave 
To show me Cities long debauched in Fame..." I tried googling this to figure out if this were a quote, and I discovered that this was quoted from a certain Jack Thomas Heslop. I wonder who that bozo is. xD
The spell created buttocks, lips, and lies, 
To seek a flowered stalk between your thighs.
Ah, Pygmalion. I think I'm a little too distracted by the weird meter to get to the matter of this, although the ten-line I think does get a little weird meat-wise in the middle, especially concerning the semicolon'd parts. But otherwise, heady.

Thank you for taking the time to give me such an in-depth and helpful critique, RiverNotch! I appreciate it.

(09-29-2016, 01:40 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  

(09-20-2016, 10:20 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  
And I am yours; obedient, I crave IT
 

IP surely?

(10-03-2016, 05:44 AM)Donald Q. Wrote:  

(09-29-2016, 01:40 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  

(09-20-2016, 10:20 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  
And I am yours; obedient, I crave IT
 

IP surely?

Ah, surely; I miswrote.

Hi, Jack

Shamefully little crit here, just wanted to say that I loved the last two lines. I've read it several times over the past week or two, and they strike me every time. Yeah, just lovely. The imagery is on point and there's so much meaning in those two little lines. Good work

lizziep

(10-03-2016, 10:44 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Ah, surely; I miswrote.

Heh, I was sitting at my desk looking at fingers like 'I am being crazy?' I almost went and asked someone if I had been pronouncing obedient wrong my whole life 

(Also sorry for hopping on your thread to be pedantic without offering any feedback; I think the existing replies have covered it pretty well, I will be sure to offer up some words on any second edit you provide Heslopian! )