Woman with tears.
Woman with chapped seams.
Woman of scarlet lipstick.
Woman of raped dreams.

She once told me she wanted
to dance, later pranced into a grave
with music coming from every hole
in her tired body.

This is pretty and dark. I particularly liked the phrase "raped dreams". It has me wondering what, exactly, the meaning behind that might be.

I personally feel that the poem would benefit a bit more structure. You have these somewhat accidental rhymes..seams dreams or the near rhyme prance, danced. I feel like you could maintain the free verse, while still connecting your thoughts a bit more rhythmically.

I also feel like the term "lipstick" could have a suitable alternative if you looked for one. You could maybe even find a way to rhyme that line with the first. Just my suggestions.

(08-30-2016, 11:54 PM)abigailewolv Wrote:  This is pretty and dark. I particularly liked the phrase "raped dreams". It has me wondering what, exactly, the meaning behind that might be.

I personally feel that the poem would benefit a bit more structure. You have these somewhat accidental rhymes..seams dreams or the near rhyme prance, danced. I feel like you could maintain the free verse, while still connecting your thoughts a bit more rhythmically.

I also feel like the term "lipstick" could have a suitable alternative if you looked for one. You could maybe even find a way to rhyme that line with the first. Just my suggestions.

Thanks for the suggestions. The "somewhat accidental rhymes" are intentional....

(08-30-2016, 09:00 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Woman with tears.
Woman with chapped seams. I don't tgink I know what “chapped seams" means.. Clarify with better word choice maybe?
Woman of scarlet lipstick.
Woman of raped dreams.

She once told me she wanted
to dance, later pranced into a grave  
with music coming from every hole
in her tired body.
Why the sudden change in style?

Overall, it's nice. Dark, which you executed well. 
I just don't know what “chapped seams" means. And, the sudden change in style doesn't seem.. Right for the poem, in my opinion. The first stanza was sharp and jagged, while the second is smooth and silky. I may not be getting the meaning or something, though.

Best,

Alic

Chapped seams are over sexed orifices. Dance steps are increasingly terrible stages of accepting cruelty. Music is the consequence of accepting that treatment. Sad and brilliant and damn sad. The idea of music exiting even from sweat glands is, well, insert complementary word here...

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If anything for critique, pranced doesn't work so well..maybe a more dance- specific word? Tango, 2 step, etc..

(09-04-2016, 10:34 PM)Alic Elliot Wrote:  

(08-30-2016, 09:00 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Woman with tears.
Woman with chapped seams. I don't tgink I know what “chapped seams" means.. Clarify with better word choice maybe?
Woman of scarlet lipstick.
Woman of raped dreams.

She once told me she wanted
to dance, later pranced into a grave  
with music coming from every hole
in her tired body.
Why the sudden change in style?

Overall, it's nice. Dark, which you executed well. 
I just don't know what “chapped seams" means. And, the sudden change in style doesn't seem.. Right for the poem, in my opinion. The first stanza was sharp and jagged, while the second is smooth and silky. I may not be getting the meaning or something, though.

Best,

Alic

If the "meaning" isn't coming through for you, don't fret. Just a girl (a LONG time ago) who lived a sporadic life. Everyone loved her for the sex, but no one really loved her. See response below for "chapped seams"....kolemath seems to have an idea.

Thanks for your response. Appreciate all responses.

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(09-04-2016, 11:20 PM)kolemath Wrote:  Chapped seams are over sexed orifices. Dance steps are increasingly terrible stages of accepting cruelty. Music is the consequence of accepting that treatment. Sad and brilliant and damn sad. The idea of music exiting even from sweat glands is, well, insert complementary word here...

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If anything for critique, pranced doesn't work so well..maybe a more dance- specific word? Tango, 2 step, etc..

Glad you liked the poem.

"dance / pranced" was my stab at accentuating the dance rhythm of the girl. That girl loved to dance. Maybe needs more embellishment. Thanks for the thoughts.