Edit - 1

Winter ice sky
Smears stormy clouds
- your shoes sprout dust


clouds spread stormy smear
on winter ice sky
- old shoes sprout dust

(08-26-2016, 09:41 AM)eric_never Wrote:  Hi cvanshelton,

There’s a heck of a lot to like here.

“[O]ld shoes sprout dust” is perfect! So true, so right. I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition of the shoes and the stormy/icy sky.

In the way of critique, I think there might be too much going on in the first two lines. Perhaps they could be very slightly pruned?

Awesome read

e

Thanks so much, Eric. I think you are right. I've paired it down a little. Hopefully, it works better.

Hey, C! ><

I have a couple of thoughts on this.

(08-26-2016, 03:14 AM)cvanshelton Wrote:  Edit - 1

Winter ice sky -- not a fan of 'ice sky' because my mouth keeps trying to blend them together as I-sky. I know it's more boring, but I'd prefer the sound of 'icy winter sky.'
Smears stormy clouds -- I'm torn about this one: I like that there's some action going on in the winter sky, especially when winter is usually portrayed as a time of deadness and all things sleepy. Yet, I just don't know if it's the sky that's doing the smearing or the ice...either way, I can't picture it. I think it's the wind that does the smearing, yes? I wish I had gotten that meteorological degree when I had a chance! Maybe:  
                            December wind
                            Smears stormy clouds
                            Old shoes sprout dust

- your shoes sprout dust -- I feel like "old shoes" provided a better image than "your."


clouds spread stormy smear
on winter ice sky
- old shoes sprout dust -- yeah, I like this a lot because you have something old that's doing the sprouting which is a fun pairing, and the fact that it's spouting something kind of dead and musty like dust is lovely too. This line is my favorite of the bunch. It's also a bit whimsical, which is welcome in a poem about ice and storm clouds.

I love all of the ess sounds, and the consistent 4 syllable lines give it a nice cohesion.

Part of me wants there to be one other kind of observation beyond the sky and the shoes because, with a poem of this length, two lines is a lot of space to devote to one element. If it were me, I would try to condense the sky/cloud lines and bring in one other snapshot/detail to give the poem more dimension. You could also just add a line and have it be more of a short poem instead of a haiku.

Great stuff here 

Also, I should have mentioned, in these really shorties it's good to use your title to it's maximum potential. So, you could expand on the longing idea -- longing for what, for whom, for another time? Don't be afraid to use your title as another line of your poem.

Thanks so much Lizziep and eric! Your feedback is much appreciated, and I'll keep working at it.