Nurses dress Effie in her best
for the official picture, even
a rosebud on a head-band.
(her hair is fine and thin)


Jim wears a suit, matching rosebud
in his lapel. He tries to feed her
some special cake the staff made
but Effie is frightened of him.


She cowers away, clutching
her giant pink plush dinosaur
in their sixty-fifth wedding 
anniversary photo.

No sapphire; she lost her diamond
engagement ring long ago.
Jim’s been alone for years.
He’s not ashamed of his tears.

Hi, Merc, yes to this scene. Cowers away is odd as for me cowers implies a cautious pulling away, possibly cowers under, reinforcing her shrinkage. Thanks for the read.

i like that what you see is what you get. for me it's a given what the poem is about and i love it's plain language, that said [from the stranger ] feel too obvious and i wonder if it's needed? the line before intimates her disease as does the penultimate line. love the rose buds and how their used to mean something.

(08-16-2016, 05:52 PM)just mercedes Wrote:  Nurses dress Effie in her best
for the official picture, even
a rosebud on a head-band.
(her hair is fine and thin)


Jim wears a suit, matching rosebud
in his lapel. He tries to feed her
some special cake the staff made
but Effie is frightened of him.


She cowers away from the stranger,
clutches her giant pink dinosaur
in their sixty-fifth wedding 
anniversary photo.

No sapphire; she lost her diamond
engagement ring long ago.
Jim’s been alone for years.
He’s not ashamed of his tears.

(08-16-2016, 08:16 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Merc, yes to this scene. Cowers away is odd as for me cowers implies a cautious pulling away, possibly cowers under, reinforcing her shrinkage. Thanks for the read.

No, she cowered away from him. She didn't know him, didn't trust him, was scared of him and didn't want him anywhere near her. It was heart-breaking to see.

---

[quote='billy' pid='214939' dateline='1471346570']
i like that what you see is what you get.  for me it's a given what the poem is about and i love it's plain language, that said [from the stranger ] feel too obvious and i wonder if it's needed? the line before intimates her disease as does the penultimate line. love the rose buds and how their used to mean something.

[quote='just mercedes' pid='214935' dateline='1471337571']



Thanks billy - I've just edited it - will come back  and post a revision properly. You're right.

(08-16-2016, 09:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote:  

(08-16-2016, 08:16 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Merc, yes to this scene. Cowers away is odd as for me cowers implies a cautious pulling away, possibly cowers under, reinforcing her shrinkage. Thanks for the read.

No, she cowered away from him. She didn't know him, didn't trust him, was scared of him and didn't want him anywhere near her. It was heart-breaking to see.

I fully understand the meaning, it is clear in the poem and a situation more common as we live longer. It's just the combo of the two words that seemed off to me.

(08-16-2016, 09:10 PM)ellajam Wrote:  

(08-16-2016, 09:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote:  

(08-16-2016, 08:16 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Merc, yes to this scene. Cowers away is odd as for me cowers implies a cautious pulling away, possibly cowers under, reinforcing her shrinkage. Thanks for the read.

No, she cowered away from him. She didn't know him, didn't trust him, was scared of him and didn't want him anywhere near her. It was heart-breaking to see.

I fully understand the meaning, it is clear in the poem and a situation more common as we live longer. It's just the combo of the two words that seemed off to me.

I guess it must be a regional difference - here we use 'cowers away from' and it seems to be a common usage, as in Richard Dawkins Cowers Away From William Lane Craig

I loved this. On the first read I was trying to follow her point of view, and I didn't know what was going on, why there are so many rose buds and cake. Nurses dressing someone made me think of a baby or a corpse for some reason. Then she's frightened and I was worried it was going to be dark, and that he was evil. Then she has a dinosaur and it's their 65th, and I said "oh," and my heart broke for him. Then I had to read it all over again from his point of view, and it hurt more that way. Just lovely.

It reminds me of my grandparents. Love at first sight, completely inseparable, but she was already starting to lose her memory at their 50th anniversary. He died less than a year after she did, even though there was nothing wrong with him. In some ways I almost think he died first, when she forgot him, and he was just waiting around for her catch up.

--Quix

Thanks Quix. I visited my mother three or four times a week for 5 years, from the time her dementia meant she needed 24/7 care, until her death three years ago.

I got to know the other patients, always about 40 of them, in the Nursing Home's hospital ward, and their regular family visitors. We all mostly visited at lunchtime (so the carers had help with feeding them the main meal of the day). Every single patient was a story of tragedy but some were ironic as well - like German Joe and Russian Joe whose wheelchairs were put side by side every day.

They'd both been in the army during WWII and had both been involved in the first siege of Kiev in 1941, on opposite sides. Their families worked it out, chatting at Christmas lunch. We all wondered if they could have shot at each other.

I try to write about what I saw, and felt, and was part of. I told my mother when her husband of 35 years, my step-father, died. She had no idea who I was talking about.

(08-16-2016, 05:52 PM)just mercedes Wrote:  Nurses dress Effie in her best
for the official picture, even
a rosebud on a head-band.
(her hair is fine and thin)


Jim wears a suit, matching rosebud
in his lapel. He tries to feed her
some special cake the staff made
but Effie is frightened of him.


She cowers away, clutching
her giant pink plush dinosaur
in their sixty-fifth wedding 
anniversary photo.

No sapphire; she lost her diamond
engagement ring long ago.
Jim’s been alone for years.
He’s not ashamed of his tears.

This is very nice, it seems sort of like the foundation of a movie to me. I can sort of write a two hour movie in my head around what's presented here.

Thanks all for your input here. Effie and Jim found a home.