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Edit 2
Angry as a tasered tiger
setting fires with staggered steps,
the thunder of each stampede
cowers inside our forrest.
Flames hang like sharp teeth
wealds redden in the heat,
belt buckled and melted
we age before his drunken sleep.
At last the sun rises tangerine,
rapids reach the rivers bend,
as light returns across the leaves
we slip like otters into streams.
Edit 1
He guzzles each storm, sets fires
that fume across the face
of each lashed out angry flash
clenched and spat.
We hold our breath invisible
and count the quiet seconds
between the crushing steps
as giants fight inside the forest.
When all falls soft amongst the trees
It's then the sun rises tangerine
and light returns across the leaves,
we slip like otters into streams.
Original
Angry as a tasered tiger
his storm sets fires
only a roar can snuff out.
Covered heads go camouflaged,
inside our frozen forest
icicles hang like sharp teeth
until he falls, a drunken sleep.
It's then the sun rises tangerine
to warm the leaves, free to beam
we slip like otters into streams.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
just mercedes
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Period instead of comma at the end of line 3, comma at the end of line 4, 'our forest freezes' instead of 'becomes frozen' maybe. Love that final line.
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(05-10-2016, 12:13 PM)just mercedes Wrote: Period instead of comma at the end of line 3, comma at the end of line 4, 'our forest freezes' instead of 'becomes frozen' maybe. Love that final line.
Thanks for the comment and the help JM, much appreciated Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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I very much enjoyed the description of the tangerine sun but something about the "he falls, a drunken sleep" line to me was slightly weaker than the rest
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(05-13-2016, 03:47 AM)psychonaut Wrote: I very much enjoyed the description of the tangerine sun but something about the "he falls, a drunken sleep" line to me was slightly weaker than the rest
Thank you for the comment and you feedback I will have a look at the line I agree it sounds forced to catch the rhyme. Best Keith
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that last line is almost beautiful Kieth. i'm presuming it relates to a violent man coming home. the problem for me it that it tries too hard to be just right, in doing so it sort of loses the power such a poem should have. is there such a thing as a half tasered tiger? you can create a simpler image, i also felt little connection between the first metaphor and the one in the second line. the core of the poem is good but it reads like i'm looking at it through frosted glass. i'd love to see it bare-boned and then fleshed out with relevant imagery. the last three lines are keeps and the four before those are passible, it's the 1st three that bugger it up. though i'd still like a little more context within the piece.
(05-10-2016, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Angry as a half tasered tiger
his storm sets fires
only a roar can snuff out.
Covered heads go camouflaged,
inside our frozen forest
icicles hang like sharp teeth
until he falls, a drunken sleep.
It's then the sun rises tangerine
to warm the leaves, free to beam
we slip like otters into streams.
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Keith, I can see Billy's point. The only line that gives me trouble is line 1. Maybe play with the storm image more in line 2. Let me illustrate what I mean, not necessarily using this line as a replacement just a means of clarifying:
Angry as a flash of lightning before the thunder
Just a thought,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Thank you Billy and Todd for the feedback I will come back to this when I get chance, thanks for the help guys much appreciated, all very helpful. Best keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(05-10-2016, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Angry as a half tasered tiger
his storm sets fires
only a roar can snuff out.
Covered heads go camouflaged,
inside our frozen forest
icicles hang like sharp teeth
until he falls, a drunken sleep.
It's then the sun rises tangerine
to warm the leaves, free to beam
we slip like otters into streams.
"Half-tasered" did trip me up a bit-- maybe just go "tasered", or something more fitting. But I'd say keep the tiger. I loved it.
The rest of this poem I loved too. The ambiguity works, and personally I don't think you need anymore detail towards what is actually going on. The "drunken sleep" pointed to a raucous home environment to me. If that's what you're after, great.
Good little poem. Keep it up.
Cousin
"There ought to be a room in this house to swear in."
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(05-20-2016, 03:24 PM)Cousin Kil Wrote: (05-10-2016, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Angry as a half tasered tiger
his storm sets fires
only a roar can snuff out.
Covered heads go camouflaged,
inside our frozen forest
icicles hang like sharp teeth
until he falls, a drunken sleep.
It's then the sun rises tangerine
to warm the leaves, free to beam
we slip like otters into streams.
"Half-tasered" did trip me up a bit-- maybe just go "tasered", or something more fitting. But I'd say keep the tiger. I loved it.
The rest of this poem I loved too. The ambiguity works, and personally I don't think you need anymore detail towards what is actually going on. The "drunken sleep" pointed to a raucous home environment to me. If that's what you're after, great.
Good little poem. Keep it up.
Cousin
Hi Cousin, thank you for the help and the encouragement, much appreciated Keith
ps took out the half as you suggested, still needs work though.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
kaleidoscope_vibes
Unregistered
Your poem was very descriptive and beautifully written. My favorite line "It's then the sun rises tangerine to warm the leaves, free to beam".
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(05-22-2016, 11:16 AM)kaleidoscope_vibes Wrote: Your poem was very descriptive and beautifully written. My favorite line "It's then the sun rises tangerine to warm the leaves, free to beam".
sorry I missed your post kv I made an edit and I have cut 'free to beam' so maybe I need to have another look, best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(05-10-2016, 09:20 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
He guzzles each storm, sets fires
that fume across the face
of each lashed out angry flash
clenched and spat.
We hold our breath invisible
and count the quiet seconds
between the crushing steps
as giants fight inside the forest.
When all falls soft amongst the trees
It's then the sun rises tangerine
and light returns across the leaves,
we slip like otters into streams.
Original
Angry as a tasered tiger
his storm sets fires
only a roar can snuff out.
Covered heads go camouflaged,
inside our frozen forest
icicles hang like sharp teeth
until he falls, a drunken sleep.
It's then the sun rises tangerine
to warm the leaves, free to beam
we slip like otters into streams.
Personally, I prefer the original to the edit -- simply because I personally like the word choice of the original better. However, they are both examples of excellent work! I do have a question though -- is there anything in particular you meant to convey by the use of the line "as giants fight inside the forest"? I'm not sure what to make of that -- please clarify! Overall, great job!
~blue
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Hi Blue
I tend to agree with you and thank you for your honest comment ' giants etc' is about being small and listening to the heavy thumps and dull thuds upstairs or in another room. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Hello Kieth,
to me this reads like a portrait. It's dark tones and shadow corners where you put your emerging man felt very relieving to read. I liked it mostly because you kept out judgement and that, to me, made it honest.
well done.
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(08-05-2016, 01:52 PM)sapril Wrote: Hello Kieth,
to me this reads like a portrait. It's dark tones and shadow corners where you put your emerging man felt very relieving to read. I liked it mostly because you kept out judgement and that, to me, made it honest.
well done.
Thank you for the comments sapril very much appreciated . Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
I really enjoy poems about nature. This poem is alive and visible in my head. I love the idea of a "tangerine sun" warming the fruits of nature.
I did have a problem with "half tasered tiger" as it seemed too violent for the soft ethereal feel of the piece. >  <
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(09-02-2016, 04:32 PM)D.MYST Wrote: I really enjoy poems about nature. This poem is alive and visible in my head. I love the idea of a "tangerine sun" warming the fruits of nature.
I did have a problem with "half tasered tiger" as it seemed too violent for the soft ethereal feel of the piece. ><
Sorry I missed your post D.Myst, thanks for the encouragement, I think I need to let this one sit a while before I go back again. One of the problems with this poem is that it was written for a challenge trying to fit in 5 words...Taser Tangerine etc I only really stuck with it because of slipping like otters which I think deserves to find a better place and maybe in another poem. Thanks again Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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