From youth we pass to the twilight age
on the Shakespearean stage
wondering if our part played right
before candles out, and all is night - 
did lurking joy and muted smiles belie
mad Othello’s rage or Desdemona’s cry?

Unforced we fell into our pageantry
and Brutus bootless knelt in Act Three,
choosing the formulaic writ decree
over being the one who'd part and play defy -
wind, not weather-vane; arrow, not eye.

Thanks for posting this one, a fun, interesting ride with some golden rings. Some notes on my read below.

(07-14-2016, 02:20 PM)Achebe Wrote:  From youth we pass to the twilight age Interesting contrast between your opener, simple and cliche, and the closing line, a dance on its own. It led me right in.
on the Shakespearean stage This line continues to read short to me, accented only on spear and stage.
wondering if our part played right
before candles out, and all is night - Still pretty simple and common, leading me down a quiet path.
did lurking joy and muted smiles belie Ooh, lurking joy, wake up!
mad Othello’s rage or Desdemona’s cry? Lovely couplet.

Unforced we fell into our pageantry  Yes, the pace picks up, a packed line.
and Brutus bootless knelt in Act Three, Brutus bootless is great to say.
choosing the formulaic writ decree again, love the sound of this line.
over being the one who'd part and play defy - Part and play both, yes
wind, not weather-vane; arrow, not eye. and the perfect, so worthwhile, payoff, action packed. Love this couplet, these five lines one delicious big bite.

Hopefully someone else can be of more help, this is mostly just right for me. Thanks for the read, great way to start the day.

Your iambic pentameter is a bit shaky in parts.

up"on the Shakespearean stage"  (only four feet still), so glitches with the meter throughout: example:

and Bru-tus boot-less knelt in Act Three,
choos-ing the form-u-la-ic writ decree

Of course you may not have meant to write in IP, but you start out in it and it (both stanzas) appears quite often for one to believe otherwise. However this is not a condemnation only an observation. Although due to this, some parts of the lines come off awkwardly. Otherwise a nice little romp.

Best,

dale

Thanks, Ella, dale. This is a piece from a decade ago that I'm looking to revise. Your comments are quite helpful. I'm not happy with the the metre either, will fix that.

Hi, Achebe. A couple of thoughts from me:

I agree with others that this should be in iambic pent. The ear expects it.

Curious about the choice to short the second stanza a line and rhyme three lines together? I don't hate it, just curious.

I usually grimace at rhyming couplets, but they are not offensive in this one because the rhymes aren't "jingly jangly" to use your phrase.

It still comes across as quite a lyrical piece despite it's bumps.

(07-14-2016, 02:20 PM)Achebe Wrote:  From youth we pass to the twilight age
on the Shakespearean stage
wondering if our part played right
before candles out, and all is night - 
did lurking joy and muted smiles belie -- lurking joy is unexpected (in a good way), since we usually associate lurking with something creepy and sinister. I like muted smiles belie, and the idea that a part is not adequately played without intensity of emotion. This thought combined with the restrained tone of the writing is striking. In a good way.
mad Othello’s rage or Desdemona’s cry?

Unforced we fell into our pageantry -- comma after unforced?
and Brutus bootless knelt in Act Three, -- Brutus bootless is especially nice, and I like that you switched the expected order and didn't put bootless first.
choosing the formulaic writ decree
over being the one who'd part and play defy -
wind, not weather-vane; arrow, not eye. -- enjoying the pacing on this last line -- the punctuation slows the reading, and makes the reader concentrate on the meaning. Sometimes rhyming pieces have a tendency to barrel forward.

Thanks for the read,

Lizzie