Edited Version:

I will spare you the details
we were both orphans of impulses
playing to tenebrous lilts 
while widening in this vein; 

you left me with a seeming scar 
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart 
which laid on the ground a short distance apart 
- this is not a metaphor -
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick.

---

I will spare you the trivia: 
we were both orphans of impulses
playing to tenebrous lilts
- widening in this vein;

you left me with an oneiric scar, 
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart,
which lays on the ground a short distance apart 
- this is not a metaphor - 
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick.



I will spare you the trivia: 
we were both orphan of impulses
playing to tenebrous lilts
- widening in this vein;

you left me with an oneiric scar, 
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart,
which laid on the ground a short distance apart 
- this is not a metaphor - 
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick.

This was fun to read. I had a problem with this line:
which laid on the ground a short distance apart.

I get its reference to the title but it seems to refer to the scar, or is it the heart, either way I don't get what it is set apart from. I'll keep trying to get it but I'm sure you can clarify this.

Thanks for the read and the dip into the dictionary.

Quote:we were both orphan of impulses
playing to tenebrous lilts
- widening in this vein;

you left me with an oneiric scar,
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart,
which laid on the ground a short distance apart
- this is not a metaphor -
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick.

(07-11-2016, 10:30 PM)ellajam Wrote:  This was fun to read. I had a problem with this line:
which laid on the ground a short distance apart.

I get its reference to the title but it seems to refer to the scar, or is it the heart, either way I don't get what it is set apart from. I'll keep trying to get it but I'm sure you can clarify this.

Thanks for the read and the dip into the dictionary.

I agree, the phrasing here is rather confusing. It's meant to refer to the heart.
Thank you for your comment!

(07-11-2016, 09:16 PM)Shay Wrote:  I will spare you the trivia: 
we were both orphan of impulses -- I don't think that this reads well without an in front of orphan or pluralizing orphan
playing to tenebrous lilts -- lovely line -- good sonics
- widening in this vein;

you left me with an oneiric scar, --
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart,
which laid on the ground a short distance apart -- Hmmmm, this one needs some work. Lay? Lying on the ground?
- this is not a metaphor -  -- nice contrast, keeps things a bit clearer for the reader, since the poem is a little on the obscure side.
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick.

No clue what it's about, but I love it anyway

Look forward to reading more from you!

Thank you for the suggestions, it really helps a lot!
I wrote it to a quote prompt - "You stabbed me then pretended you were the one who was bleeding". Hope it's a bit clearer now.
And I'm glad you like it!

You used four words that are fairly uncommon and to what purpose. More common words could have been used with no loss of meaning or subtly. You do your reader no favors using such words. Had they added a context that the normal word have lacked, I can see the justification, but to me they come across as just trying to impress. I make no judgement, there have been many times in my younger years where I written with thesaurus in hand.
I have a fairly extensive vocabulary as I have been over educated in the halls of academia and have on average read a book a day for most of my life, as well as a number journals and if I have to refer to the diction four times in a short poem there is something amiss.
Why is this important (the word use not my history)? Every time a person has to pause due to a word choice, it is disruptive to the poem and takes away the enjoyment of the poem. If there are enough of these sort of words, the person usually gives up on the poem as being not worth the effort. The poem is already somewhat obscure so this only compounds the problem.

Best,


dale

Hi Erthona,

thank you for your comment! I do agree that some parts are unnecessarily complex. It might seem like I'm trying to "impress" with those words, but I'm definitely not. It's just that I like to "play around" with certain words that have a nice tone to them. I'll try to replace those four words, though, to make it more understandable.

Edited Version:

I will spare you the trivia: 
we were both orphans of impulses
playing to tenebrous lilts
- widening in this vein; 

you left me with an oneiric scar, 
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart, (imagery could be better constructed, somewhat cliched)
which lays on the ground a short distance apart 
- this is not a metaphor - 
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick. (beautiful end)

A superbly original poem with a great appreciation for audience and intrigue. 
At times, the syntax is challenging to follow and could perhaps benefit from 
revisions in punctuation, line arrangement or simply word choice. Second stanza's 
rhyme scheme is effective, as is the piercing indented thought throughout. 
I would be interested to see an extension of the imagery and metaphor toward a 
more incisive resolution.

Regards,

Poet-rice

Thank you! I tried to edit it with regard to the suggestions. Hope it's a bit clearer now.