White branches
of limited birch settle
the edges of its banks

Small animals,
wrens and sparrows,
pine needles, mossed logs

A foot-high waterfall,
intrigues a slow current

One lone starling in a clearing
will fly away soon

All of it

hi 71deg.
Not one of my favourites.

I wasn't sure about whether 'limited' was a type of birch. A brief google search drew no results. If used in the sense of the birches being limited by the boundary of the water, then it's confusing. IMO, it adds little to nothing to the image. Shouldnt' there be a full stop after 'banks'?
Because you had a sentence in S1 and sentences in S3 and S4, the absence of one in S2 is discordant. Also, the vagueness of 'small animals' doesn't sit well with the actual named species of the subsequent line. I mean, I wouldn't exactly expect to see a tapir in a Minnesota wood.Perhaps starting with 'wrens' is better.

Again, I'm confused by 'intrigues'. Does it have an alternate, little known meaning? Or do you actually mean 'irks the curiosity of'? I find the latter odd.
Don't understand 'all of it' - all of what?

Hi, 71degrees,

I like the sounds of S1, reminds me of Frost. I'd echo Achebe's comment on S2; when small animals begins the stanza, the shift to flora was awkward to my reading too; either begin with 'wrens' or introduce the flora the way you introduce the fauna. I like 'intrigues' in S3; it personifies the waterfall, but this personification could be explored more. 'all of it' is a great closing line, but you might lead up to the fleeting qualities of nature a bit more prior to delivering the last line.

Cheers!

I know Minnesota. I didn't see it here. The ideas are there, but you need a structure.
I'd like to see your gift for vignettes put to use in this one. You tell good stories; where is this one? I'd like to think it's in the waterfall intriguing the current.
Hope to see a revision!

-jc

I disagree somewhat with the previous crit. I think the lines flow like a river, even if there is nothing concrete to hang onto. It still creates a scene. The problem for me is that you aren't consistent enough to pull it off. Eg, for most of the poem you are consistent in specifics, but then to open stanza two, you start with a generic statement about small animals. Wasted line. Also, the "All of it." detracts from the poem as I see it. Its too finite for a flowing river. Its like a damn dam.

Ok, so I read (perhaps too much into it) that the scene that you are describing is one that will be cleared away soon. The lone starling, clearing, fly away soon..... and then the mysterious "all of it."

I understand that 'all of it will fly away soon.' I have more questions, but that's assuming that my premise is correct.

(05-28-2016, 11:45 AM)71degrees Wrote:  White branches
of limited birch settle
the edges of its banks

Small animals,      -- I agree that this seems weak on first read, but it does fit with the smallness of other things you name like the "limited    birch," "foot-high waterfall," "lone starling." Perhaps it could be rephrased?
wrens and sparrows,
pine needles, mossed logs    --all small things except for mossed logs, but I like the assonance in that phrase so I'm torn

A foot-high waterfall,   ----I like how surprising it is to see a reference to such a small waterfall. When I think waterfall, I think Niagra. It's a nice twist.
intrigues a slow current    ---I like the mixing of the slow with the small. The slow current: are you talking about flat water? http://falzguy.com/waterfall.glossary.html)


One lone starling in a clearing
will fly away soon

All of it

(05-28-2016, 11:12 PM)Achebe Wrote:  hi 71deg.
Not one of my favourites.

I wasn't sure about whether 'limited' was a type of birch. A brief google search drew no results. If used in the sense of the birches being limited by the boundary of the water, then it's confusing. IMO, it adds little to nothing to the image. Shouldnt' there be a full stop after 'banks'?
Because you had a sentence in S1 and sentences in S3 and S4, the absence of one in S2 is discordant. Also, the vagueness of 'small animals' doesn't sit well with the actual named species of the subsequent line. I mean, I wouldn't exactly expect to see a tapir in a Minnesota wood.Perhaps starting with 'wrens' is better.

Again, I'm confused by 'intrigues'. Does it have an alternate, little known meaning? Or do you actually mean 'irks the curiosity of'? I find the latter odd.
Don't understand 'all of it' - all of what?

Thanks for your thoughts here. Agree on some of them. I will make some changes.

Intrigued by your confusion over the verb "intrigues"...all of it

---

(05-29-2016, 12:42 AM)kolemath Wrote:  Hi, 71degrees,

I like the sounds of S1, reminds me of Frost. I'd echo Achebe's comment on S2; when small animals begins the stanza, the shift to flora was awkward to my reading too; either begin with 'wrens' or introduce the flora the way you introduce the fauna. I like 'intrigues' in S3; it personifies the waterfall, but this personification could be explored more. 'all of it' is a great closing line, but you might lead up to the fleeting qualities of nature a bit more prior to delivering the last line.

Cheers!

Glad some things are working for you, kolemath. Thanks for the Frost nod. Both you and Achebe have problems w/S2 so will make some changes. Am trying hard to limit my words lately. Glad you like "intrigues". Makes my heart glad. All of it.

---

(05-29-2016, 08:00 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  I know Minnesota. I didn't see it here. The ideas are there, but you need a structure.
I'd like to see your gift for vignettes put to use in this one. You tell good stories; where is this one? I'd like to think it's in the waterfall intriguing the current.
Hope to see a revision!

-jc

Agree totally about MN reference. It isn't needed. Vignette? maybe...would have to think hard here. Revision coming...probably not to your liking but doesn't mean I don't like your thought. All of it.

---

(05-29-2016, 08:11 AM)Pdeathstar Wrote:  I disagree somewhat with the previous crit. I think the lines flow like a river, even if there is nothing concrete to hang onto. It still creates a scene. The problem for me is that you aren't consistent enough to pull it off. Eg, for most of the poem you are consistent in specifics, but then to open stanza two, you start with a generic statement about small animals. Wasted line. Also,  the "All of it." detracts from the poem as I see it.  Its too finite for a flowing river. Its like a damn dam.

"a damn dam" I like that. All of it.

Agree about the damn small animals. Too many of them anyway

---

(05-30-2016, 01:50 AM)lizziep Wrote:  Ok, so I read (perhaps too much into it) that the scene that you are describing is one that will be cleared away soon. The lone starling, clearing, fly away soon..... and then the mysterious "all of it."

I understand that 'all of it will fly away soon.' I have more questions, but that's assuming that my premise is correct.

(05-28-2016, 11:45 AM)71degrees Wrote:  White branches
of limited birch settle
the edges of its banks

Small animals,      -- I agree that this seems weak on first read, but it does fit with the smallness of other things you name like the "limited    birch," "foot-high waterfall," "lone starling." Perhaps it could be rephrased?
wrens and sparrows,
pine needles, mossed logs    --all small things except for mossed logs, but I like the assonance in that phrase so I'm torn

A foot-high waterfall,   ----I like how surprising it is to see a reference to such a small waterfall. When I think waterfall, I think Niagra. It's a nice twist.
intrigues a slow current    ---I like the mixing of the slow with the small. The slow current: are you talking about flat water? http://falzguy.com/waterfall.glossary.html)


One lone starling in a clearing
will fly away soon

All of it

Love your thoughts and observations. Wonderful. Glad you mentioned the starling...you're the only one to mention it. All of it.