We'd been given the choices weeks before,
I was supposed to produce sketches,
developments of my ideas
but as usual, I had hit
the oh shit button that read
"only press on the morning of the exam".
Paper soaked in cereal
pencil sharpened with a bread knife.

The choices were simple
It came from outer space.
The contest.
From the ocean.

"OK its 1:30 you may begin"
I didn't have much to go on
but I set out to fill the sheet
in bold greens and brownish branches,
a nest nestled in with the rest,
bright yellow beaks ready and wide
for a wriggled grey returning worm,
carried by a not black female blackbird.

There were two teachers
with an external moderator
who kept looking at me and mumbling.
I thought it was about
my lack of preparation
as they reviewed
my carbon copied breakfast.

Can I have a word he said?
of course sir, what is it?
Well, it's about your composition,
it doesn't fit the stipulated criteria.
Oh shit, I said and started to look round.
There were gold and silver flying saucers,
fluorescent green football boots, 3D chess boards,
boats in full sail and even a giant squid
that seemed to reach out.

What were you thinking?
Well sir I was of the opinion
that when there are five fledglings
and one worm,
its quite a battle to see who gets fed
and most nights in our house
that's a contest.

Oh, was all he said,
so I climbed back inside
gave them scrawny necks
and little stubs for wings,
made sure one was thinner than the rest,
placed him at the edge of the nest.

More like prose lined out like poetry, but in this section completely acceptable, evidently even more so than the drawing as far as the " two teachers"...and "external moderator". According to whom art in a box is still art. As I am from the US, the term  'O' Level Art, holds little meaning for me, but I guess nature would qualify, although I don't see the "fine point", more of a broad broad brush stroke to me.

dale

I sort of agree that this reads more like prose, but I think that there are just some pieces of prose you can't help but write in lines, and lines don't really define the poem. But it's a good story, an enlightening one -- I don't really know what O level art is, but examining Google Images, it feels like one of those silly classifications you make for a curriculum's convenience -- nonexistent, probably should be ignored in special cases, of which this seems to be one. I'd say the device of the recurrent "O's" needs a bit more emphasis, the rhymes a bit more, er, everpresent, and the imagery a bit more, er, imagey, for this to be poetry -- or just ignore the lineation altogether, focus on making these better paragraphs, and then it'd be poetry? Honestly, though this feels very much like prose broken up, just as some bits of prose feel more like poetry said straight, I'm still not concrete about that great divide -- if it exists at all, which according to a few discerning critics, it sort of doesn't?

(03-30-2016, 04:15 AM)Erthona Wrote:  More like prose lined out like poetry, but in this section completely acceptable, evidently even more so than the drawing as far as the " two teachers"...and "external moderator". According to whom art in a box is still art. As I am from the US, the term  'O' Level Art, holds little meaning for me, but I guess nature would qualify, although I don't see the "fine point", more of a broad broad brush stroke to me.

dale

Thanks Dale yes its very prosey, O level art or Art exam ive changed it to remove confusion. the finer point as you so eloquently put it, only really comes at the end. Thanks for reading and commenting much appreciated. Keith

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(03-30-2016, 11:11 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  I sort of agree that this reads more like prose, but I think that there are just some pieces of prose you can't help but write in lines, and lines don't really define the poem. But it's a good story, an enlightening one -- I don't really know what O level art is, but examining Google Images, it feels like one of those silly classifications you make for a curriculum's convenience -- nonexistent, probably should be ignored in special cases, of which this seems to be one. I'd say the device of the recurrent "O's" needs a bit more emphasis, the rhymes a bit more, er, everpresent, and the imagery a bit more, er, imagey, for this to be poetry -- or just ignore the lineation altogether, focus on making these better paragraphs, and then it'd be poetry? Honestly, though this feels very much like prose broken up, just as some bits of prose feel more like poetry said straight, I'm still not concrete about that great divide -- if it exists at all, which according to a few discerning critics, it sort of doesn't?

Thanks for taking time to read and comment RiverNotch, I think more prose to but hey you give me some good advice there to bring in a few more poetic devices, so I will have a think. Much appreciated. Keith

Taking a break from reading NaPM.
Keith, whether a verse poem or a prose poem, it's a poem. The conclusion is beautiful. Don't know why I didn't see this earlier - maybe the title put me off. Perhaps 'scrawny necks' is more attention grabbing.

(04-23-2016, 07:47 AM)Achebe Wrote:  Taking a break from reading NaPM.
Keith, whether a verse poem or a prose poem, it's a poem. The conclusion is beautiful. Don't know why I didn't see this earlier - maybe the title put me off. Perhaps 'scrawny necks' is more attention grabbing.

Hi Achebe
Yes I seem to write a lot of stuff like this and find it hard to make it sing, I guess its a trade off for the story. Thanks for taking the time to read and for the bump, best Keith