grammar edits, courtesy of Tiger and dale:

TO THE DISBELIEVING POET

I called you out of Egypt's hand
but you did not respond,
just flicked your wrist at me as if
my Word was flies --

well let me tell you, honey,
your words are shit compared to mine.

Hey River. I don't know how I missed this. I like it. Thoughts below...

(03-24-2016, 03:34 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  TO THE DISBELIEVING POET

I called you out of Egypt's hand
but you did not respond,
just flick your wrist at me as if "flicked" for tense
my Word were flies -- This is tricky. "My" could be capped but then you would have to also cap me/me/mine

well let me tell you, honey,
your words are shit compared to mine.

The Caps issue is always tricky. I think this would look bolder with all the potential CAPS but not sure if that's what you want.
Paul

I consider capping any pronouns related to God a late, perhaps Baptist, innovation (the original print of the KJV, for one, never capped it -- I bought a copy for a few cents a couple of years ago, and it's pretty great! too bad it hasn't the apocrypha, which was also in the original -- darn Protestant printers, xD), so I'd rather not.

(03-25-2016, 02:07 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  I consider capping any pronouns related to God a late, perhaps Baptist, innovation (the original print of the KJV, for one, never capped it -- I bought a copy for a few cents a couple of years ago, and it's pretty great! too bad it hasn't the apocrypha, which was also in the original -- darn Protestant printers, xD), so I'd rather not.

Agreed in principle. Was more the visual impact that I wondered about.
Paul

"my Word was flies" "Word" is singular, even if it refers to meany words. Like "Book" "as if my book was lies", not were. The boy was late. The boys were late.

IN your second usage you use plurals in the subject-verb "words are" (plural) "word is" (singular)

dale

Another mistake? Dangit, I know I'm better than that. xD

Actually, this time the "were" was somewhat intentional. Not only does it sound better, but I was sort of aiming for royal plural, like "We are not amused", because, you know, the Word. But of course, I still knew it was sorta wrong (best example of course is the Gospel of John), and now that you've caught me, I'll go ahead and change it.

(03-27-2016, 02:52 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Another mistake? Dangit, I know I'm better than that. xD

Actually, this time the "were" was somewhat intentional. Not only does it sound better, but I was sort of aiming for royal plural, like "We are not amused", because, you know, the Word. But of course, I still knew it was sorta wrong (best example of course is the Gospel of John), and now that you've caught me, I'll go ahead and change it.

I thought the singular 'word' was unusual also, but only the second time I read it. The first time I read it in the biblical sense ('the word of god', obviously not a single word being passed on, but a message. 'We have received word...')

It depends on how much you want to emphasize the biblical allusion, really. But don't feel compelled to change it for correctness' sake.

Also, thanks for the read! I thought it was clever, and of course I laughed in the end.