a grandmother now

her tear anoints the angel
and makes a boy of me

Sorta stabs me in the heart, but i'm not entirely sure what it means -- it feels kinda incomplete, like there are two lines missing. Then again, I've been reading Dickinson voraciously (relative to my usual rhythms) for the past few months now, so....

(03-25-2016, 02:20 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Sorta stabs me in the heart, but i'm not entirely sure what it means -- it feels kinda incomplete, like there are two lines missing. Then again, I've been reading Dickinson voraciously (relative to my usual rhythms) for the past few months now, so....

Incomplete bugs me. Thanks for the input. 
It was going to look like this...

Generations

a grandmother now
her tear anoints the angel
and makes a boy of me

but I wanted to cut as much as I could. I'm not sure. I think you're right. The last line is perhaps too subtle as is.
Thanks
Paul
**Edit... I haven't connected the grandmother to the "me". There is no relationship established between her and the "N". Thx for helping me figure that out. Seems obvious now.

(03-25-2016, 02:02 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  a grandmother now

her tear anoints the angel
and makes a boy of me

I like it as is. Whether or not the N is the angel's father, grandfather or a casual observer touched by the scene is up to the reader, sometimes it's nice to be a little open-ended and let the reader jump in.

I have more than once found myself surprised by who readers think my N is and sometimes the poem is stronger by letting them have their way with it.

Just perfect. To me it feels as if the N is the grandfather -- I know this definitely happened to my dad after my son was born

Thanks Ella and Leanne. I would always prefer to chop than add. But I still sometimes confuse subtlety with obscurity, then second guess myself forever.
Paul

Give your readers some credit, Paul. The ones who matter will always take the time to absorb, reflect and make the poem their own.

(03-26-2016, 08:26 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Give your readers some credit, Paul.  The ones who matter will always take the time to absorb, reflect and make the poem their own.

Ah, isn't that the trick of it, to be clear on some level yet still leave room for the reader to go a way that is clear to them.

Paul

I think there is enough. The tear is the motivator, regardless of the intermediate, generates "boy-ness".  That is the love of total acceptance of the grandmother creates the space for the child to be a boy: he was not repressed. The non-suppression, total acceptance and space to be a real boy is the angel.


Very inspired work; pure and beautiful.


dale

(03-27-2016, 09:10 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Paul

I think there is enough. The tear is the motivator, regardless of the intermediate, generates "boy-ness".  That is the love of total acceptance of the grandmother creates the space for the child to be a boy: he was not repressed. The non-suppression, total acceptance and space to be a real boy is the angel.


Very inspired work; pure and beautiful.


dale

Thanks so much Dale. 

Paul

I just had the strangest dream, where I was selling off our house to two crones who tried to seduce me by bearing their breasts and all that -- I resisted, because their breasts reminded me too much of my sister? And before that, something about Christmas --

Anyway, dream's making me think twice about this poem. It still feels kinda incomplete, but maybe because it's only two lines -- but the effect is there, I guess, so this should be sort of good. I'd support you returning the title to the poem's body, though.

(03-27-2016, 02:40 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  I just had the strangest dream, where I was selling off our house to two crones who tried to seduce me by bearing their breasts and all that -- I resisted, because their breasts reminded me too much of my sister? And before that, something about Christmas --

Anyway, dream's making me think twice about this poem. It still feels kinda incomplete, but maybe because it's only two lines -- but the effect is there, I guess, so this should be sort of good. I'd support you returning the title to the poem's body, though.

I actually haven't edited this. The version I showed you in my reply was kinda how I'd sketched it in my head before editing for posting. I wanted 3 lines and the title had to be one of them. But yes, I did wonder if I'd stretched it too thin.
Thanks for coming back. 

P.S. Are you sure you're not still dreaming?