First nappy


I remember that first nappy,
best described as wet and crappy;
‘though it stank it made us happy.
It proved all systems worked.


I’m afraid we made a mess,
even got some on my chest
but all in all we did our best.
Our duty never shirked.


Prepared to wrap one round her bum,
we laid her on a clean dry one.
But then she pee'd, I'd swear for fun.
But we didn't mind.


It very soon became routine;
washed and dried, a little cream
applied to her our little dream.
It never was a bind.

(02-06-2016, 02:34 AM)Julius Wrote:  First nappy


I remember that first nappy,
best described as wet and crappy;
‘though it stank it made us happy.
It proved all systems worked.


I’m afraid we made a mess,
even got some on my chest
but all in all we did our best.
Our duty never shirked.


Prepared to wrap one round her bum,
we laid her on a clean dry one.
But then she pee'd, I'd swear for fun.
But we didn't mind.


It very soon became routine;
washed and dried, a little cream
applied to her our little dream.
It never was a bind.

Hey Julius. A few metrical hiccups but a fun poem nevertheless. The last line/rhyme is forced and hurts the whole.
Fun read,
Paul

Hi Julius, lovely little poem. The day I realised I'd never have to change a nappy again was one of the happiest of my life

I wonder if you might just re-think the last line? It's not terribly strong. It might involve rewording the last line of the preceding verse.

Otherwise, the few little hiccups can be smoothed over by reading aloud. Nicely done.

(02-07-2016, 05:40 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  

(02-06-2016, 02:34 AM)Julius Wrote:  First nappy


I remember that first nappy,
best described as wet and crappy;
‘though it stank it made us happy.
It proved all systems worked.


I’m afraid we made a mess,
even got some on my chest
but all in all we did our best.
Our duty never shirked.


Prepared to wrap one round her bum,
we laid her on a clean dry one.
But then she pee'd, I'd swear for fun.
But we didn't mind.


It very soon became routine;
washed and dried, a little cream
applied to her our little dream.
It never was a bind.

Hey Julius. A few metrical hiccups but a fun poem nevertheless. The last line/rhyme is forced and hurts the whole.
Fun read,
Paul

Thank you Tiger. I guess as poetry it lacks a certain finesse, but it was really just for fun. I actually thought the last line/rhyme added to the fun feel of it. I suppose to some extent every rhyme is forced - I often feel that way when trying to develop a couplet to finish a sonnet and have been known to abandon the idea and instead  turn it into a four stanza, four line poem. Anyway, food for thought for which I thank you.

(02-07-2016, 06:37 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Hi Julius, lovely little poem.  The day I realised I'd never have to change a nappy again was one of the happiest of my life

I wonder if you might just re-think the last line?  It's not terribly strong.  It might involve rewording the last line of the preceding verse.

Otherwise, the few little hiccups can be smoothed over by reading aloud.  Nicely done.

Thank you Leanne for your kind response. Although not meant to be really serious poetry, I feel encouraged to put a bit more thought into it in accordance with your advice 

I just finished changing my babies nappy saw this and it brought a smile to my eye, myself i do not like to rhyme all the time(see what is did there) but still a nice poem thanks for the good read.

(02-08-2016, 09:41 AM)advocaite Wrote:  I just finished changing my babies nappy saw this and it brought a smile to my eye, myself i do not like to rhyme all the time(see what is did there) but still a nice poem thanks for the good read.

Thank you Advocaite, its nice to be able to make someone smile - in return you made me smile 

As for whether to rhyme or not I think that is a matter of preference that will be debated for ever, with room on a forum for all types so I look forward to seeing some of your poetry  

(02-06-2016, 02:34 AM)Julius Wrote:  First nappy


I remember that first nappy,
best described as wet and crappy;
‘though it stank it made us happy.
It proved all systems worked.


I’m afraid we made a mess,
even got some on my chest
but all in all we did our best.
Our duty never shirked.


Prepared to wrap one round her bum,
we laid her on a clean dry one.
But then she pee'd, I'd swear for fun.
But we didn't mind.


It very soon became routine;
washed and dried, a little cream
applied to her our little dream.
It never was a bind.

Really cleverly written, especially funny when read out loud, and it does work mostly! Though for example stanza three, line three, the 'i'd swear for fun' fels a little forced, and doesn't perfectly work like most of your other lines. However, overall this is brilliant!

(02-17-2016, 01:33 AM)JRZH Wrote:  

(02-06-2016, 02:34 AM)Julius Wrote:  First nappy


I remember that first nappy,
best described as wet and crappy;
‘though it stank it made us happy.
It proved all systems worked.


I’m afraid we made a mess,
even got some on my chest
but all in all we did our best.
Our duty never shirked.


Prepared to wrap one round her bum,
we laid her on a clean dry one.
But then she pee'd, I'd swear for fun.
But we didn't mind.


It very soon became routine;
washed and dried, a little cream
applied to her our little dream.
It never was a bind.

Really cleverly written, especially funny when read out loud, and it does work mostly! Though for example stanza three, line three, the 'i'd swear for fun' fels a little forced, and doesn't perfectly work like most of your other lines. However, overall this is brilliant!

Thank you JRZH, so glad you liked it and thank you for your comments. It's a fun poem that was written quite quickly and I must admit that rhyme was forced

i enjoyed it, seldom did a nappy change, baby shit made me want to vomit but enjoyable. I'm with leanne on the last line though as a for fun poem it works well enough