#Tragedy @Massacre 2sec ago

I've broken
out with self
serving shots
but I'm mostly
fine.
I've found pain
is left behind
when life's leftovers
are allowed to lay
torn on the floor.
Their stillness
lets viewers know
we are all mending,
meaning
I'm sticking
better in minds
because my
name is
trending.

They call me
quietly
"massacre".

Cutie Star,

Well...the title doesn't help. I'm guessing emotional domestic or self inflicted violence of some kind. What is unclear to me is why is the writer hiding what he means to say? It is as though he is afraid to acknowledge what he is trying to write about. Regardless, the title and lack of clear purpose in the poem has probably had something to do with it lying dormant here. I would suggest the title has caused it to get so few views and when someone does look at it, they do not know what they are looking at and so leave without commenting.

Part of this is maybe trying to hard to be poetic (or too avant-garde):

"I've broken out with self serving shots but I'm mostly fine."

I'm wondering how one does that, the "broken out" part I mean. You mean that although you have been putting yourself down, you are fine. Usually when one does that it is suggestive of low self-esteem and self-hatred, so fine would not be the word to use, unless this is irony, which I am willing to concede.

I've found pain is left behind when life's leftovers are allowed to lay torn on the floor.

The speaker says that he has found that "pain is left behind..." which seems to contradict the first sentence. As "life's leftovers" is/are undefined the rest of the sentence makes no sense, or another way to say it is the ambiguity level is so high it could mean anything.

I'm skipping the next sentence as I have no idea what to do with it.

"They call me quietly "massacre".

So do "they" (whoever they are) call you "quietly" or has grammar just flown out the window?

Quietly, they call me "massacre".  Why not "I am called massacre."  Better title also.

Why is "massacre" in quotes? Is this a particular "massacre", or is it not a real "massacre"?

I know the writer is  meaning to say something or else, why write anything at all, but what that something is, is beyond my comprehension.

Yes, I know this is beyond a "mild" critique, but as no one had touched it, I felt compelled to give a little extra. My apologies if it was more than was asked for.

Best,

dale

I appreciate it, dale. The title is a reference to social media live streaming massacres, it's not self harm, it's a personification of massacre, mass shootings, ect.

I have tried several times to write about this and generally receive negative feedback so I'll keep trying at it.

Yeah, don't keep up with social media much so it bypasses me. It's a problem of perception. When you're heavy into social media, you think everyone is. In psychology it's called a subculture blindness. That is you think everyone thinks this way and is aware of this stuff except a few people on the fringe, when the fringe is you. Albeit these days a large fringe, it is still a fringe of many different parts, many of which would not get your title. I don't generally participate in any social media, not because I am not hip enough, I just find it boring. I looked at chan4 the other day as it was suppose to be this great revolutionary site, and really it was just more of the same, mostly rehashed juvenile do-do jokes. I'm not saying there is not something good out there, but even on the sites that do offer some good things, they are still 90% bull shit as far as I can see. It's just the same old stuff re-packaged and if you're young enough, it seems fresh and new to you. I'm not casting aspersions, that's just been my experience.

" it's a personification of massacre, mass shootings, ect."

That's like saying it's a personification of a killing. "Death" can be personified, but killing cannot be. See the distinction? "Death" can be personified as the grim reaper. I do not see how one can personify "a massacre" like "a killing". Mass shootings might be personified visually in a comic book as a character with the name "Mass Shootings" with guns coming out from all directions, but I don't see how one can do that in a poem. I certainly don't think you did that in your poem if that was what the goal was. maybe you should rethink your goal in a way that allows you to use the medium to get across what it is you want to say. I wrote a poem about the Jaweed in Darfur, the mass murders and the raping of female children. I used the rat-a-tat-tat sound of the gun to equate to the insemination process of the rape, and then equated how both were blown up. Those who were killed and the young girls left with a child growing inside of them that they hated. Maybe that might give you an inroad to an idea about a way to proceed.

dale

A poem wherein the title entirely makes it (at least, for me). That's not to say that the content of the poem could not stand on its own, but the title turns the emphasis right around where it should be; the media coverage. Sickness perpetuating sickness.

I'd only critique the punctuation in the last bit:

They call me
quietly;
"massacre." (period within quotations)

(02-01-2016, 02:33 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  #Tragedy @Massacre 2sec ago

I've broken
out with self
serving shots
but I'm mostly
fine.
I've found pain
is left behind
when life's leftovers
are allowed to lay
torn on the floor. 

I would have left it at this. This explains the victimization of the common people due to social media
literally bombing us with things/distractions we don't need to see. 
keep working on this piece. But my advice to you is to stay on the same track, don't stray too far, verse per verse. 'cause you lost me after "torn on the floor."  however, the whole first verse is powerful.  <3 thank you for submitting.


Their stillness   
lets viewers know
we are all mending,
meaning
I'm sticking
better in minds
because my
name is
trending.      

They call me
quietly
"massacre".