Edit 1 (Billy)
Those ideal minds will always find a way
so let the sunlight through this open door
and ask the morning birds if they will stay
for I have traveled here and wanted more

than coins and smiles that pacify the poor,
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will.

With rope and spike I joke away my life
climb high to steal what others feel today
and hope that words will not become a knife
that cuts away the ribbons from this day

Let us touch and have the textures test me
as noises drown inside this silent sea.


Original
With rope and spike I joke away my life
climb high to steal what others feel today
and hope that words will not become a knife
that cuts away the ribbons from this day

Those ideal minds will always find a way
so let the sunlight through this open door
and ask the morning birds if they will stay
for I have traveled here and wanted more

than coins and smiles that pacify the poor,
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will

The test of touch still wants to hang around,
while louder bangs fall silent inside sound.

(12-09-2015, 03:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  With rope and spike I joke away my life
climb high to steal what others feel today
and hope that words will not become a knife
that cuts away the ribbons from this day

Those ideal minds will always find a way
so let the sunlight through this open door
and ask the morning birds if they will stay
for I have traveled here and wanted more

than coins and smiles that pacify the poor,
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will

The test of touch still wants to hang around,
while louder bangs fall silent inside sound.

I especially loved:

"for I have traveled here and wanted more

than coins and smiles that pacify the poor,
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will

nicely done Kieth.

for me the octave doesn't go the eight lines and the turn/resolution/answer comes too soon on line 5 a get round suggestion would be to place the first verse after the third as it now stands. that aside loved the bugger.

(12-09-2015, 03:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  With rope and spike I joke away my life
climb high to steal what others feel today
and hope that words will not become a knife
that cuts away the ribbons from this day

Those ideal minds will always find a way
so let the sunlight through this open door
and ask the morning birds if they will stay
for I have traveled here and wanted more love

than coins and smiles that pacify the poor,
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will

The test of touch still wants to hang around,
while louder bangs fall silent inside sound.

(12-09-2015, 11:54 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(12-09-2015, 03:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  

I especially loved:

"for I have traveled here and wanted more

than coins and smiles that pacify the poor,
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will
in liquid times we drink and swallow pills
they keep my calibration at its core
and minimise reactions of free will

Many thanks Ray, Much appreciated. Best Keith

---

(12-09-2015, 05:22 PM)billy Wrote:  nicely done Kieth.

for me the octave doesn't go the eight lines and the turn/resolution/answer comes too soon on line 5 a get round suggestion would be to place the first verse after the third as it now stands. that aside loved the bugger.

(12-09-2015, 03:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  

Thanks For the help Billy I have took your suggestion, I think the final couplet needs some work but the changes make a big difference, Many thanks Keith

the form in you is strong young wonkywalker
the couplet works though if you want a suggestion, it would be to

alter [still wants to hang around] it feels a little out of kilter with the language at use in the sonnet.

(12-11-2015, 12:01 PM)billy Wrote:  the form in you is strong young wonkywalker
the couplet works though if you want a suggestion, it would be to

alter [still wants to hang around] it feels a little out of kilter with the language at use in the sonnet.

Um teach me you will
made edits I have