Better than the lonely hum of a plane at eve
is the soft haunting tremor of the ship itself.
Sometimes in bed, with earplugs on,
the jaw forced into a hardly describable position
rushing blood through my head,
I imitate the comforting white noise of the sky.

i like it but i can't say why. i think a semi colon may have separated the two statements better. i think the last line excellent, at first i thought universe would work better than sky but on second thought i prefer sky and also like the image it gives the white noise. i'd also like to see the ship connection more at work in the 2nd part; as it is it reads as an excerpt from a larger piece.

(11-24-2015, 10:13 AM)billy Wrote:  i like it but i can't say why. i think a semi colon may have separated the two statements better. i think the last line excellent, at first i thought universe would work better than sky but on second thought i prefer sky and also like the image it gives the white noise. i'd also like to see the ship connection more at work in the 2nd part; as it is it reads as an excerpt from a larger piece.

Hey Billy! Thanks for your comment.
For the last line, I was wondering instead if "I imitate the comforting noise of the sky" wasn't better, or "the comforting voice of the sky"? what d'you think?

Your last thought is interesting. I like the idea of giving the text the impression of an excerpt from a larger piece, it's like a small window on a larger idea and makes you wonder, in my opinion.

Thanks again!

Alex

i don't think there's a need for [I] but that's just my view.

when i mention it reads as an excerpt, my meaning was that it could be fleshed out to give it more depth

Alexearth,

As this is misc I do not want to go full on critique but I must say the use of "eve" bothers" me as there is simply nothing that justifies it's usage. To me it just seems to come across as affectation. Same with using bold with the whole poem. "Bold" is used for emphasis, it kind of defeats the purpose to bold everything. Is this this a poem about EST? Feel free to tell me to piss off, as I said it is misc. Over all I didn't get much from it. the one line that intrigued me was

"the jaw forced into a hardly describable position"

It intrigued me because it could bring focus to the rest of the poem but at the same time it seemed hardly awkward.

However, in general for me, the surface level should be fairly clear, even if trying for an imagist poem I don't see that here. Don't get me wrong, I've written much worse.



Best,

dale

(11-26-2015, 11:42 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Alexearth,

As this is misc I do not want to go full on critique but I must say the use of "eve" bothers" me as there is simply nothing that justifies it's usage. To me it just seems to come across as affectation. Same with using bold with the whole poem. "Bold" is used for emphasis, it kind of defeats the purpose to bold everything. Is this this a poem about EST? Feel free to tell me to piss off, as I said it is misc. Over all I didn't get much from it. the one line that intrigued me was

"the jaw forced into a hardly describable position"

It intrigued me because it could bring focus to the rest of the poem but at the same time it seemed hardly awkward.

However, in general for me, the surface level should be fairly clear, even if trying for an imagist poem I don't see that here. Don't get me wrong, I've written much worse.



Best,

dale

Hey Dale,

thanks for your comment, its all good! The bold was an error, in fact it's just a different font, I copied the text from my Word document and it got pasted this way.

For the "eve" part, and for the whole text as well, it's purely my own affection for a moment I like to experience; I wouldn't care for example for the sound of a plane at lunchtime. But it is true that if the text is read as a generality, a common idea, some parts such as "at eve" becomes an insignificant image which doesn't bring anything to the poem.

Thanks again for your critique,

Alex