THE BASKET FALLS

To sing the songs of summer's lurid dyes,
And be yourself in groves of could-have-beens;
To learn to love the smell of waking lies,
Then dream of naked girls on picture screens--
The flower basket falls. They said it's truth
To cast away the rose of you and I,
It's life to lose the lenses and review
The burning sun and blackened earth with eyes
Of humble blindness: how they mocked the way!
We gathered still the roses of the tree,
And though our lusts denied us time to pray,
We kept our eyes on immortality--
The hawthorn's blooms are false. It comes to this:
Our naked, burned-out souls, a fatal kiss.

[Quick note: ray's post for the original; ella's post for the first edit. They're too small to merit proper spoilers for me.]

FLOWER BASKET

01  To sing the songs of summer's lurid dyes
02  and be yourself in groves of could-have-beens,
03  to learn to love the stench of waking lies
04  then dream of naked girls on picture screens--
05  the flower basket falls. They said it's truth
06  to cast away the rosy you and I,
07  it's life to lose the lenses and review
08  the burning sun and blackened earth with eyes
09  of humble blindness: how they mocked the way!
10  We gathered still the roses of the tree,
11  and though our lusts denied us time to pray,
12  we kept our eyes on immortality--
13  the hawthorn's blooms are false. It comes to this:
14  our naked burned out souls, a fatal kiss.
 
Just call it "Sonnet 155" and be done with it.
But, really, sonnets don't have to have titles.
Or, grand tradition here, just list the first line.

Or, maybe: "The Basket Falls"

1 "," at end.

2 A nit, but I'd kind of like "would-have-beens".
  And the end needs a ";" not a ","

3 I really hate "stench", there has to be a better word.
 Needs "," at end.

9 The ":" should be a "--" (see comment on 9 below)

14 "naked, burned-out souls <- note comma and dash

Such a wonderfully "florid" sonnet; cock-full of
proper retro-hyperbole.
Given this, it cries out to have capitals at the
beginning of each line. Can't do one without the other.

Love the two commentaries that come after the "--" 's
On line 9 that "how they mocked the way!" should be one as well.

Ray

(10-30-2015, 01:49 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:  Just call it "Sonnet 155" and be done with it.  
But, really, sonnets don't have to have titles.
Or, grand tradition here, just list the first line.

Or, maybe: "The Basket Falls"

1 "," at end.

2 A nit, but I'd kind of like "would-have-beens".
  And the end needs a ";" not a ","

3 I really hate "stench", there has to be a better word.
 Needs "," at end.

9 The ":" should be a "--" (see comment on 9 below)

14 "naked, burned-out souls <- note comma and dash

Such a wonderfully "florid" sonnet; cock-full of
proper retro-hyperbole.
Given this, it cries out to have capitals at the
beginning of each line. Can't do one without the other.

Love the two commentaries that come after the "--" 's
On line 9 that "how they mocked the way!" should be one as well.

Ray

Noted. I like that suggestion; changing it.
Punctuation edits noted. Changing, except for 9: see note below.
I can't entirely see the full significance of "would-have-beens" over "could-have-beens", but I'll still change it. The only reason I chose one over the other is because I distinctly remember some poem using the phrase, but I don't remember what the poem is (and that really annoys me).
Stench: noted. Suggestion? It is a good deal too harsh, I guess, and though the harshness is good as a contrast for what was just detailed, it is too ungraceful for anything -- Maybe try to tie it to the general theme of sight, and, well, use "sight"? But I'm going with the slightly meeker "smell", for now, just to not make the image-movement to the next line too discontinuous.
Aye for the capitals.

Line 9: It could be, but it isn't, because that line deals with a sort of different thing. Note the tense for that, the preceding, and the succeeding clauses; further note the way, the truth, and the life. But maybe there's a better way to integrate that...

(10-30-2015, 10:31 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Noted. I like that suggestion; changing it.
Punctuation edits noted. Changing, except for 9: see note below.
I can't entirely see the full significance of "would-have-beens" over "could-have-beens", but I'll still change it. The only reason I chose one over the other is because I distinctly remember some poem using the phrase, but I don't remember what the poem is (and that really annoys me).
Stench: noted. Suggestion? It is a good deal too harsh, I guess, and though the harshness is good as a contrast for what was just detailed, it is too ungraceful for anything -- Maybe try to tie it to the general theme of sight, and, well, use "sight"? But I'm going with the slightly meeker "smell", for now, just to not make the image-movement to the next line too discontinuous.
Aye for the capitals.

Line 9: It could be, but it isn't, because that line deals with a sort of different thing. Note the tense for that, the preceding, and the succeeding clauses; further note the way, the truth, and the life. But maybe there's a better way to integrate that...

Re-read in morning light -- you're right about 9.

"Would-have-beens" denotes personal decision.
"Could-have-beens" denotes luck or outside forces.
I suggested it because I thought it would be more poetically romantic to blame one's self.
("Might-have-beens" -- just as a note as I still prefer the "would" one -- denotes an alternative that may or
may not have been possible. "Could" and "would" usually denote actual possibilities.)

I thought of "stink", but that's not right either. So yes, "smell" might be a bit mundane, but it fits that spot
better than anything else I can think of.  There's more than enough other excitement going on anyway.
Ray

Hi, River, I wish you had left the original because now there is only ray's numbered version to read, great for critiquing but a little distracting for a straight read and that's what I want to do, I wasn't done with it.

I'm not a fan of some of the changes.  I liked the strength of stench. I don't like the sonics of reek but funk is an interesting word that brings multiple meanings. But I like stench.

I prefer the sonics of "could" to "would" and the dreaminess of L1 supported the meaning. Some notes below.

(10-29-2015, 11:26 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  THE BASKET FALLS

To sing the songs of summer's lurid dyes,
And be yourself in groves of would-have-beens;
To learn to love the smell of waking lies, A beautiful opening three lines, IMO better in the original.
Then dream of naked girls on picture screens--An interesting change from dreaminess to fantasy.
The flower basket falls. They said it's truth Not a fan of "they said it's truth" who are they and why do I care?
To cast away the rosy you and I, Not a fan of the sonics of "rosy you", though I think you need rose, maybe the rose of you and I.
It's life to lose the lenses and review Lovely line.
The burning sun and blackened earth with eyes
Of humble blindness: how they mocked the way! Possibly mock.
We gathered still the roses of the tree,
And though our lusts denied us time to pray,
We kept our eyes on immortality--
The hawthorn's blooms are false. It comes to this:
Our naked, burned-out souls, a fatal kiss.

[Quick note: see below posts for originals]

I've been enjoying this one, thanks for posting it.

Hum. "Could-have-beens" does sound better, and somehow, issues of luck would make the speaker's voice more vague (plus, blaming it on more than yourself is definitely something I can better sympathize with). Sonically, "stench" is a bit rough, but thought-wise, it definitely is better -- I'll stick with the current compromise, though. I agree with "rose of", both thought-wise, since it creates a neat parallel for the hawthorn's roses, and sound-wise. The "they" is, well, the proverbial they, the everyone else, the wiser masses and all that jazz. Now that I think about it, "could-have-beens" really would play better with that. And I wanted to keep all the lines of that section continuous in terms of time, so though "mock" could work, it would be a bit discontinuous from its neighbors, thus possibly inspiring something other than the desired flashback. Thanks for the input!