Tick! Tick! It clicks.
Though we hear its chime,
we do not always heed the silent advice  
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.
Let us paint as deftly as we can:
contours designed with vision and worthy aims,
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity,
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands,
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds.  
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss.

I'm new to this forum and, really, a novice at writing and critiquing poetry, but I'll give a few comments based on my present awareness. I hope that's OK.
The first line seems to me to end rather abruptly and "jarringly" move to the second line.
What do you think of:
Tick! Tick! It clicks. Tick! Tick!
For me, that puts a pause between the first and second lines and lets one ponder more the presence of the clock.
In line 5, I'd use another word for "little," something a little more elegant, maybe "simple," or another word that you'd be more qualified to choose to suit your aims; "little" seems rather trite to me.
Re: and scintillating with the colors of virtues
      expressed in virtuous deeds.  
"Virtuous" seems a little repetitive to me, and I'd use another word, perhaps "honorable."

One thing I don't understand yet is why this is even a poem. To me, it could be written out in a short paragraph, as prose. In what genre of poetry would you put your creation? What is it about your work that makes it a poem, from your perspective?

Sincerely,
Larry B.

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks.
Though we hear its chime,
we do not always heed the silent advice  
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.
Let us paint as deftly as we can:
contours designed with vision and worthy aims,
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity,
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands,
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds.  
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss.

---

Thanks Larry for your comments. As regards your suggestion for re-drafting of the first line, I don't think I am in a position to say anything either way. I would only clarify that it was not my intention to describe a clock or to draw attention to the peculiar sound it makes. The tick, tick of the clock is relevant only to the extent that it carries with it a silent message that time is ticking away fast, and that we should utilize it in the best possible way if we have to fulfill the mission of our lives, and contribute something to the world. The rest of the poem is a development of this idea, and has nothing to do with a clock. If certain words can be substituted by more effective ones, on the lines suggested by you, I think it should definitely be attempted. Your question is: why should the writing be regarded as poetry, and, secondly, to which genre it belongs. The only answer I can give is that the genre is Free Verse. Why should Free Verse be regarded as poetry is something I am not competent to answer. I would have been in a better position to answer your question if you had gone through some of the other poems on this forum, and pointed out which of them conforms to your idea of poetry and why. I did go through the information on  Free Verse as given on the Internet, and the crux was that Free Verse need not have any scheme of either rhyme or meter. I also dug out a sample of Free Verse by a famous poet, Carl Sandburg, and here it is:

FOG
The fog comes on
like cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

I did write this out as a paragraph without the line breaks. It read perfectly.

(10-12-2015, 03:58 AM)Larry B. Wrote:  I'm new to this forum and, really, a novice at writing and critiquing poetry, but I'll give a few comments based on my present awareness. I hope that's OK.
The first line seems to me to end rather abruptly and "jarringly" move to the second line.
What do you think of:
Tick! Tick! It clicks. Tick! Tick!
For me, that puts a pause between the first and second lines and lets one ponder more the presence of the clock.
In line 5, I'd use another word for "little," something a little more elegant, maybe "simple," or another word that you'd be more qualified to choose to suit your aims; "little" seems rather trite to me.
Re: and scintillating with the colors of virtues
      expressed in virtuous deeds.  
"Virtuous" seems a little repetitive to me, and I'd use another word, perhaps "honorable."

One thing I don't understand yet is why this is even a poem. To me, it could be written out in a short paragraph, as prose. In what genre of poetry would you put your creation? What is it about your work that makes it a poem, from your perspective?

Sincerely,
Larry B.

Looking at your first and last lines, they appear diametrically stressed. Through your poem, you've used softer words, and adjectives commensurate with painting e.g. chime, silent, paint our little pictures, deftly, colour, virtue, beauty, bliss etc. Yet you've started with two exclaimed words to which you didn't want to draw attention.

Tick. Tock.
Sometimes we're deaf to the chimes,
to the silent advice that time
is running out. (I'd end stop here to prevent a longer sentence running on.)

Is 'canvas of life' a cliché?

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks.
Though we hear its chime,
we do not always heed the silent advice  
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.
Let us paint as deftly as we can:
contours designed with vision and worthy aims,
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity,
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands,
and scintillating with the colors of virtues May limit your palette to white... What about 'unique colours'?
expressed in virtuous deeds.  Virtues and virtuous is doubling up.
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find Be positive
fulfillment and bliss. I think bliss is a bit corny.

Natural speech rhythm matches your lines, but they can still be pared of extraneous words. It'll stand tightening.

Just a few thoughts if they're of any benefit.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this.

Cheers.

(10-12-2015, 07:28 PM)sunilmathur Wrote:  

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks.
Though we hear its chime,
we do not always heed the silent advice  
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.
Let us paint as deftly as we can:
contours designed with vision and worthy aims,
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity,
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands,
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds.  
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss.

---

Thanks Larry for your comments. As regards your suggestion for re-drafting of the first line, I don't think I am in a position to say anything either way. I would only clarify that it was not my intention to describe a clock or to draw attention to the peculiar sound it makes. The tick, tick of the clock is relevant only to the extent that it carries with it a silent message that time is ticking away fast, and that we should utilize it in the best possible way if we have to fulfill the mission of our lives, and contribute something to the world. The rest of the poem is a development of this idea, and has nothing to do with a clock. If certain words can be substituted by more effective ones, on the lines suggested by you, I think it should definitely be attempted. Your question is: why should the writing be regarded as poetry, and, secondly, to which genre it belongs. The only answer I can give is that the genre is Free Verse. Why should Free Verse be regarded as poetry is something I am not competent to answer. I would have been in a better position to answer your question if you had gone through some of the other poems on this forum, and pointed out which of them conforms to your idea of poetry and why. I did go through the information on  Free Verse as given on the Internet, and the crux was that Free Verse need not have any scheme of either rhyme or meter. I also dug out a sample of Free Verse by a famous poet, Carl Sandburg, and here it is:

FOG
The fog comes on
like cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

I did write this out as a paragraph without the line breaks. It read perfectly.

(10-12-2015, 03:58 AM)Larry B. Wrote:  I'm new to this forum and, really, a novice at writing and critiquing poetry, but I'll give a few comments based on my present awareness. I hope that's OK.
The first line seems to me to end rather abruptly and "jarringly" move to the second line.
What do you think of:
Tick! Tick! It clicks. Tick! Tick!
For me, that puts a pause between the first and second lines and lets one ponder more the presence of the clock.
In line 5, I'd use another word for "little," something a little more elegant, maybe "simple," or another word that you'd be more qualified to choose to suit your aims; "little" seems rather trite to me.
Re: and scintillating with the colors of virtues
      expressed in virtuous deeds.  
"Virtuous" seems a little repetitive to me, and I'd use another word, perhaps "honorable."

One thing I don't understand yet is why this is even a poem. To me, it could be written out in a short paragraph, as prose. In what genre of poetry would you put your creation? What is it about your work that makes it a poem, from your perspective?

Sincerely,
Larry B.

Thanks for your complete, well-thought-out reply, sunilmathur. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply, but many unexpected things came up in my life that I had to deal with.

I knew that you weren't talking about a literal clock with a sound of "Tick!" but only the subjective passage of time in one's life ... after I read through the rest of your poem, but the first two lines, taken by themselves, do describe, to me, a literal clock, especially with your choice of the word "hear" in the second line:
Tick! Tick! It clicks.
Though we hear its chime,
we do not always heed the silent advice  
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.
And I like how, in the second and third lines, you use the dichotomy between "hear" and "silent" to make clear that you're referring to the passage of time that the literal clock represents.
That's why I suggested using "Tick! Tick! It clicks. Tick! Tick!" in the first line to reinforce the initial concept of a literal clock, and to make more apparent that you're talking about a figurative clock when you get to the word "silent" in the third line.

On rereading your poem, the word "chime" in the second line now bothers me a bit, because, to me, a Tick! doesn't sound like what I think of as a chime (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/chime). Perhaps another word, maybe even a simple word such as "sound," which isn't as specific as "chime," might be effective, to give, for the first six lines:
Tick! Tick! It clicks. Tick! Tick!
Though we hear its sound,
we do not always heed the silent advice  
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.

Anyway, these are just suggestions that would appeal to me -- and perhaps me alone -- and not to be taken as criticisms of your work.

Thanks for the information about Free Verse, and I do indeed think that is a "valid" form of poetry. Thanks for your example of the Carl Sandburg poem. Poetry, I guess, is somewhat akin to visual art, in that if someone describes or defines himself as an artist, then whatever kind of painting or drawing he makes is, by default, an art form, possibly unique to him alone. You are definitely right in that I need to become more familiar with other genres of poetry. I think I'm looking for poetry with a little bit more structure than Free Verse, more "rules to conform to," in terms of meter and rhyme, and so forth. I'm going to spend more time looking at the different more-structured poetry forms on this forum.

Thanks again, sunilmathur!

Sincerely,
Larry B.

Overall I really like the poem but below I have made a few suggestions of what you could do to redraft it:

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks.
Though we hear its chime,
we do not always heed the silent advice  maybe say 'don't' instead of do not to make the poem flow better
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life.
Let us paint as deftly as we can:
contours designed with vision and worthy aims,
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity,
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands,
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds.  You repeat 'virtue' twice in 2 lines-I'm not sure if this is meant for effect but it seems like a mistake
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss. it seems like this poems end quite abruptly-maybe add something else at the end like a simile or a metaphor?

Overall there really isn't much that I would change therefore very well done on this great poem!

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks. Avoid "it"until you define what "it" is. The indefinite rarely describes...that should go without saying. You are already a victim of style over sense. tick tick it clicks just seems lazy.
Though we hear its chime, "it"is a clock. Say clock. What's wrong with clock? Is this a quiz? Hang on. It clicks,ticks and chimes. Yeh. A clock. Wasn't sure for a while...
we do not always heed the silent advice Nor could we if we wanted to. It is silent. Can I give you some advice worth heeding? OK. Listen up. "......................................". See what I mean. You are talking in riddles and I want a piece of poetry
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life. Clunky and over extended sentence leading up to an inexplicably disconnected metaphor. The canvas of life.You may as well have said tapestry. Oh.No. That is a cliche.
Let us paint as deftly as we can: What is this. It reads like a North Korean ethics tutor wrote it.
contours designed with vision and worthy aims, ditto. You are preaching to me and I do not like it. If you have a point to make, and I believe you believe you have, then quite apart from the unsuitability of the poetic medium as a soap-box, you must try to be subtle. Who are you to offer up pearls to me? Qualify yourself IN the poem by making me trust you. It may take effort...meter, imagery, original thought...but that is the nature of poetry. Tick tick click and the canvas of life and the silent advice. It is not working
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity, gobbledygook. What the hell is the hue of a talent?
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands, Embellished?I don't think so then cliche.
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds. This is just too much verbal excrement.  It is excruciatingly OTT. See end.
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss. OK. Come on, fess up. This is a doctrinaire thesis. Dalai Lama? Kim? Mao?
Poetry? No. You may well have burgeoning poetic desire but this is listlessly list-like, preachy, anal, self-aggrandising and lacking in depth. A hotch potch of idealistic adages. You can do much better. Take it apart and get the core metaphor in front of you. Now look at it, naked and bare and clear.  Now dress it from top to bottom...without frills and fringes. Read your own work out loud...to "see" how it "sounds".  You started it. Hue of talent.Sheesh.
Best,
tectak

[/b]

(11-12-2015, 07:04 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks. Avoid "it"until you define what "it" is. The indefinite rarely describes...that should go without saying. You are already a victim of style over sense. tick tick it clicks just seems lazy.
Though we hear its chime, "it"is a clock. Say clock. What's wrong with clock? Is this a quiz? Hang on. It clicks,ticks and chimes. Yeh. A clock. Wasn't sure for a while...
we do not always heed the silent advice Nor could we if we wanted to. It is silent. Can I give you some advice worth heeding? OK. Listen up. "......................................". See what I mean. You are talking in riddles and I want a piece of poetry
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life. Clunky and over extended sentence leading up to an inexplicably disconnected metaphor. The canvas of life.You may as well have said tapestry. Oh.No. That is a cliche.
Let us paint as deftly as we can: What is this. It reads like a North Korean ethics tutor wrote it.
contours designed with vision and worthy aims, ditto. You are preaching to me and I do not like it. If you have a point to make, and I believe you believe you have, then quite apart from the unsuitability of the poetic medium as a soap-box, you must try to be subtle. Who are you to offer up pearls to me? Qualify yourself IN the poem by making me trust you. It may take effort...meter, imagery, original thought...but that is the nature of poetry. Tick tick click and the canvas of life and the silent advice. It is not working
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity, gobbledygook. What the hell is the hue of a talent?
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands, Embellished?I don't think so then cliche.
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds. This is just too much verbal excrement.  It is excruciatingly OTT. See end.
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss. OK. Come on, fess up. This is a doctrinaire thesis. Dali Llama? Kim? Mao?
Poetry? No. You may well have burgeoning poetic desire but this is listlessly list-like, preachy, anal, self-aggrandising and lacking in depth. A hotch potch of idealistic adages. You can do much better. Take it apart and get the core metaphor in front of you. Now look at it, naked and bare and clear.  Now dress it from top to bottom...without frills and fringes. Read your own work out loud...to "see" how it "sounds".  You started it. Hue of talent.Sheesh.
Best,
tectak

[/b]

WOW, tectak! I like your style.
I'm a newbie here, wishing I had more time to participate, but I want to and I'm working on it.
I understand your criticisms and feel that many, but not all, resonate with me.
I'd love it if you could take sunilmathur's poem and rewrite it, in whatever style you find acceptable, incorporating all the changes you recommend.
I see your points, but I'm left wondering what the poem would look like if your suggestions were actually applied.
Of course, you don't have to do it unless you want to.
Interested? It probably wouldn't take you much time, but perhaps (?) it wouldn't be appropriate.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Larry B.

(11-13-2015, 02:21 AM)Larry B. Wrote:  

(11-12-2015, 07:04 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(10-12-2015, 12:46 AM)sunilmathur Wrote:  Tick! Tick! It clicks. Avoid "it"until you define what "it" is. The indefinite rarely describes...that should go without saying. You are already a victim of style over sense. tick tick it clicks just seems lazy.
Though we hear its chime, "it"is a clock. Say clock. What's wrong with clock? Is this a quiz? Hang on. It clicks,ticks and chimes. Yeh. A clock. Wasn't sure for a while...
we do not always heed the silent advice Nor could we if we wanted to. It is silent. Can I give you some advice worth heeding? OK. Listen up. "......................................". See what I mean. You are talking in riddles and I want a piece of poetry
that time is running out
for us to paint our little pictures
on the canvas of life. Clunky and over extended sentence leading up to an inexplicably disconnected metaphor. The canvas of life.You may as well have said tapestry. Oh.No. That is a cliche.
Let us paint as deftly as we can: What is this. It reads like a North Korean ethics tutor wrote it.
contours designed with vision and worthy aims, ditto. You are preaching to me and I do not like it. If you have a point to make, and I believe you believe you have, then quite apart from the unsuitability of the poetic medium as a soap-box, you must try to be subtle. Who are you to offer up pearls to me? Qualify yourself IN the poem by making me trust you. It may take effort...meter, imagery, original thought...but that is the nature of poetry. Tick tick click and the canvas of life and the silent advice. It is not working
filled with the hues of our talents and creativity, gobbledygook. What the hell is the hue of a talent?
embellished with the sweat of toiling hands, Embellished?I don't think so then cliche.
and scintillating with the colors of virtues
expressed in virtuous deeds. This is just too much verbal excrement.  It is excruciatingly OTT. See end.
In the unfolding beauty of our creations
we too may find
fulfillment and bliss. OK. Come on, fess up. This is a doctrinaire thesis. Dali Llama? Kim? Mao?
Poetry? No. You may well have burgeoning poetic desire but this is listlessly list-like, preachy, anal, self-aggrandising and lacking in depth. A hotch potch of idealistic adages. You can do much better. Take it apart and get the core metaphor in front of you. Now look at it, naked and bare and clear.  Now dress it from top to bottom...without frills and fringes. Read your own work out loud...to "see" how it "sounds".  You started it. Hue of talent.Sheesh.
Best,
tectak

[/b]

WOW, tectak! I like your style.
I'm a newbie here, wishing I had more time to participate, but I want to and I'm working on it.
I understand your criticisms and feel that many, but not all, resonate with me.
I'd love it if you could take sunilmathur's poem and rewrite it, in whatever style you find acceptable, incorporating all the changes you recommend.
I see your points, but I'm left wondering what the poem would look like if your suggestions were actually applied.
Of course, you don't have to do it unless you want to.
Interested? It probably wouldn't take you much time, but perhaps (?) it wouldn't be appropriate.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Larry B.

No,
best,
tectak.

Larry B - the default reaction in most people when they don't like something is to ignore it. Tectak is one of the few people on this forum who go into the trouble of giving feedback virtually line by line. Whether the OP likes it or not, the crit is perfectly valid.

Rewriting is not the critic's responsibility. In fact, it can be seen in some cases as 'hijacking' someone's piece, and unless it's meant to be a collaborative effort in the first place, even insulting.

@tectak: No problem. I'd be very interested in seeing what you consider to be one or two of your best poems, so I could see for myself how you apply your philosophy. I could also learn from the commentary related to those poems. Would you be interested in providing a couple of links? If not, I can find some poems of yours on my own, and when I have time, I might provide my own critiques ... from the perspective of a poetry novice, but one who is interested in, and somewhat knowledgeable of, communicating ideas and feelings.
best,
Larry B.

@ronsaik: I wasn't criticizing tectak's critique or questioning the validity of it. If I had been the OP, that's the kind of feedback I would have wanted, but I wouldn't have been quite sure how to change the poem to incorporate his suggestions. That's why I asked tectak for his edit, so I could better understand. Regarding your last sentence: that's why I said, "perhaps (?) it wouldn't be appropriate."
Sincerely,
Larry B.