Edit 0.1

Respiration

Inhale-
I can see your brown eyes.
The pigment of earth…
They supply life to your nature
Sending twin streams trailing down
Pooling upon your precipice and
Warmly cooling your edges.
Those cheeks appear delighted!
They lightly reflect your beauty,
Then converge to greet each other
Along your strong chin, separating
Me from your lips, barricading
Me from her scorched body.
I can’t see her eyes…

Exhale-
I can listen into your darkness:
Your broken fingers scrape-
She can’t grasp my hand.
Your bruised body drags-
She cringes at my embrace.
Your unspoken agony wails-
She cries when I am near.
Yet, in your symphony of sadness,
You say you Love me.
But her Love is too soft.
So she flees to her dim asylum
And then you’re gone.

I wish I could solely:
Inhale your pain to
Remove your dark prison;
Exhale your beauty to
Show the world an angel.
But Atlas only has two arms.
I have only one voice.
Alas, in our breath,
We still shared life.

(10-09-2015, 08:29 AM)kefta4ever Wrote:  Inhale:
I see your eyes
Your brown eyes, the repetition doesn't add anything for me here. I would cut this line and change the one above it to "I see your brown eyes"
The pigment of earth…
They supply life to your nature I don't really understand this line. Are you saying this persons eyes represent who they are (or, their nature)? If so, I think you could say that clearer. If not, I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
Sending twin streams trailing down
To pool upon your cheeks
Warmly cooling your edges,
Those cheeks appear delighted her cheeks appear delighted even though she's crying? Why? In what way?
Lightly reflecting your beauty,
Then they reach a point
Along your strong chin which
Separates me from your lips,
Barricades me from her scorched body
I can’t see her eyes, I can't figure out why her is italicized. Is this "her" a different person from the person you're talking to ("your cheeks", "your edges", "your beauty", etc)? If not, why not keep using "your", adding "her" is a little confusing.
 
Exhale:
I just listen into your darkness:
Your broken fingers
She can’t grasp my hand
Your bruised sides
She cringes at my embrace
Your untold agony
She cries when I am near,
You say you Love me!
But her Love is more fragile. That was a very, very, very long sentence (the whole poem so far). Clear punctuation makes anything easier to understand. There are some reasons for not using it, but I don't think you had any rationale for not using periods up until this point.
She flees to her dim asylum
And then you’re gone.
 
I wish I could solely
Inhale your beauty
And exhale your pain.
Alas, in our breath
We still shared life.

Just some of my thoughts as I read through the piece. I was confused as to what was happening; I think you should try and make it a little more straightforward.

(10-09-2015, 08:29 AM)kefta4ever Wrote:  Edit 0.1

Respiration

Inhale-
I can see your brown eyes.
The pigment of earth…
They supply life to your nature
I find the punctuation confuses here. The full stop after eyes and ellipsis after earth suggests that line 3 refers to the pigment, not the eyes.
Sending twin streams trailing down - Like this line a lot, very dynamic.
Pooling upon your precipice and
Warmly cooling your edges. - Like this too, great description of how tears feel running down skin.
Those cheeks appear delighted! I too am not sold on this, it clashes with what leads up to it.
They lightly reflect your beauty,
Then converge to greet each other
Along your strong chin, separating
Me from your lips, barricading
Me from her scorched body.
I can’t see her eyes… I also agree about the use of "her". Is this a different person from the "your" of before. If so, I don't understand. And why can you now not see the eyes. I don't see good reason why things have changed in that respect since the opening lines.

Exhale-
I can listen into your darkness: I am uncertain of the value of this colon.
Your broken fingers scrape- Or this hyphen.
She can’t grasp my hand.
Your bruised body drags-
She cringes at my embrace.
Your unspoken agony wails-
She cries when I am near.
Yet, in your symphony of sadness,
You say you Love me.
But her Love is too soft.
So she flees to her dim asylum
And then you’re gone. There are some great individual lines here (underlined) but I still don't understand how they all relate. This passage gives me a stronger indication that the "your" and "her" are separate entities, though it remains unclear to me.

I wish I could solely: It says solely, yet two items follow. This jarred. 
Inhale your pain to
Remove your dark prison;
Exhale your beauty to
Show the world an angel. I find these lines quite beautiful in combination and they provided striking images in my mind. Very strong.
But Atlas only has two arms. As a pedant, my first thought was, "true, though Atlas mainly supported stuff on his back."
I have only one voice.
Alas, in our breath,
We still shared life.

I'll start by saying that this is my first foray out of the novice room, so I apologise if my comments appear out of keeping with the tone of this forum. If so, please just say, otherwise I'll never learn :-)

I must also comment on the title. As a Science teacher, I routinely tell students that respiration (a cellular process) is not the same thing as inhaling and exhaling (more commonly called breathing or ventilation). If I did not make the same point here I would be remiss in my duties.