I started writing again only recently after many years lacking any will or inspiration to do so. I'm not terribly technically apt - I just like to put pen to paper. Rather, I suppose, in my case it's "finger to key" or something like that. I prefer to write playfully but meaningfully.

I like metaphor, pun and strong imagery. Please share your reactions to my poem, as well as any feedback or suggested edits. Thank you kindly for reading.



A worry grows
It goes and goes
It stacks in rows like dominoes


It slithers, too - come-hithers you
Encapsulates you like a tomb
It swallows limbs
and finds its way into your chest and makes a nest
and burrows deep
and sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps
until it goes


It twists itself around your neck
and finds your ear
and settles there - another lair
until it grows, and then it goes
It goes and goes

Hi, Spherical, lovely to read. I've put a few notes below for points you might want to tweak.

(09-08-2015, 09:57 PM)spherical Wrote:  I started writing again only recently after many years lacking any will or inspiration to do so. I'm not terribly technically apt - I just like to put pen to paper. Rather, I suppose, in my case it's "finger to key" or something like that. I prefer to write playfully but meaningfully.

I like metaphor, pun and strong imagery. Please share your reactions to my poem, as well as any feedback or suggested edits. Thank you kindly for reading.



A worry grows
It goes and goes
It stacks in rows like dominoes
I'm not sure you need the first line, your title says it or it could be the title. I love the sound of the dominoes line but I think an image like It flows in rows or Lined up in rows would go better with the slither below.


It slithers, too - come-hithers you
Encapsulates you like a tomb
It swallows limbs
and finds its way into your chest and makes a nest
and burrows deep
and sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps
until it goes
Love all this, especially L2 and L4, my only nit is with "until". All the other ""goes" read to me as "goes on", I don't get a troublesome worry just getting up and walking away after it has made such a nice home.

It twists itself around your neck
and finds your ear
and settles there - another lair
until it grows, and then it goes
It goes and goes
Love the ear/lair.

I enjoyed the read, thanks for posting it.

(09-08-2015, 09:57 PM)spherical Wrote:  

Sorry, what's the title? [hide], "untitled", "Untitled: On Anxiety" -- titles are important, you know, either to give a name to a face, or to add a very special insight to a poem, and it's not like this piece is a private one you're just writing to your friends: you're posting this here, are you not?

A worry grows
It goes and goes
It stacks in rows like dominoes

It slithers, too - come-hithers you
Encapsulates you like a tomb The first line has the image of a snake, then it's interrupted by this sudden image of a tomb, which I feel would be tied better to the poem if this was more explicitly the snake swallowing one whole. 
It swallows limbs You've been encapsulated, so your limbs have been swallowed. A bit of a mix or a redundancy, this one --  I say delete.
and finds its way into your chest and makes a nest Your rhythm broke. Better, methinks:

"then finds its way into your chest, 
makes a nest
and burrows deep,
sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps..."

Of course, I do think it's a bit odd that you jumped at once from a great beast swallowing one whole, to a tiny beast getting close to the bone, but that's more me, I think, than anything more, er, objective. If you come to agree with me, I'd not suggest deletion, only a bit of the good old "or".
and burrows deep
and sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps
until it goes So it goes? Goes where -- or dies, well, why? So's the natural order of things, you'd think, but since you're not talking about an actual beast, I would think the thought of a natural death would be an important one to talk about.

It twists itself around your neck
and finds your ear
and settles there - another lair
until it grows, and then it goes
It goes and goes This entire part feels rather superfluous. It's swallowed you whole, it's been buried in your chest: it doesn't have to move a third time just to be attached to you. Now, this could be a third movement, sure, but then, since it's just a variation on the earlier stanza's core idea, and not anything new or really interesting (there's a hint, though: round the neck and in the ear, choking there and whisp'ring here, slith'ring tongue and teeth of fear, something like that). And that last part -- goes and goes and goes. So what? So it goes-- everything goes, either dying or living. There's not much poetry in just saying that: the point is you have to make that going sound special, look new, feel profound: so poetry goes!

Also, this:
[Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Vl1m5FYlAo]

Appreciate the suggestions very much. Thank you.

(09-08-2015, 10:27 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Spherical, lovely to read. I've put a few notes below for points you might want to tweak.

(09-08-2015, 09:57 PM)spherical Wrote:  I started writing again only recently after many years lacking any will or inspiration to do so. I'm not terribly technically apt - I just like to put pen to paper. Rather, I suppose, in my case it's "finger to key" or something like that. I prefer to write playfully but meaningfully.

I like metaphor, pun and strong imagery. Please share your reactions to my poem, as well as any feedback or suggested edits. Thank you kindly for reading.

[hide]

A worry grows
It goes and goes
It stacks in rows like dominoes
I'm not sure you need the first line, your title says it or it could be the title. I love the sound of the dominoes line but put I think an image like It flows or Lined up would go better with the slither below.


It slithers, too - come-hithers you
Encapsulates you like a tomb
It swallows limbs
and finds its way into your chest and makes a nest
and burrows deep
and sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps
until it goes
Love all this, especially L2 and L4, my only nit is with "until". All the other ""goes" read to me as "goes on", I don't get a troublesome worry just getting up and walking away after it has made such a nice home.

It twists itself around your neck
and finds your ear
and settles there - another lair
until it grows, and then it goes
It goes and goes
Love the ear/lair.

I enjoyed the read, thanks for posting it.

---

Appreciate the comments. Thank you.

No title yet. I'm working on it.

Perhaps it may help if I give a more general overview of the image I'm shooting for:

Anxiety is a serpentine beast which is capable of changing forms, though primarily I see it as a snake-like creature since it fits with so much of the symbolism behind serpents. It can manifest itself from nothing, shift and change, put pressure in your chest, or pain in your head. It can eat away at you both physically and emotionally. It fills the entire room, suffocating you, covering you, blinding you, yet nobody else can see it. It's there and it's not.

It can protect you, or destroy you - maybe both at once.

Sometimes it goes, sometimes it stays. You feel it one day, and the next day not at all, but it lies dormant somewhere. It never goes completely.

Additional suggestions with this in mind would be welcomed. Thanks again.

(09-08-2015, 10:34 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  

(09-08-2015, 09:57 PM)spherical Wrote:  [hide]

Sorry, what's the title? [hide], "untitled", "Untitled: On Anxiety" -- titles are important, you know, either to give a name to a face, or to add a very special insight to a poem, and it's not like this piece is a private one you're just writing to your friends: you're posting this here, are you not?

A worry grows
It goes and goes
It stacks in rows like dominoes

It slithers, too - come-hithers you
Encapsulates you like a tomb The first line has the image of a snake, then it's interrupted by this sudden image of a tomb, which I feel would be tied better to the poem if this was more explicitly the snake swallowing one whole. 
It swallows limbs You've been encapsulated, so your limbs have been swallowed. A bit of a mix or a redundancy, this one --  I say delete.
and finds its way into your chest and makes a nest Your rhythm broke. Better, methinks:

"then finds its way into your chest, 
makes a nest
and burrows deep,
sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps..."

Of course, I do think it's a bit odd that you jumped at once from a great beast swallowing one whole, to a tiny beast getting close to the bone, but that's more me, I think, than anything more, er, objective. If you come to agree with me, I'd not suggest deletion, only a bit of the good old "or".
and burrows deep
and sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps
until it goes So it goes? Goes where -- or dies, well, why? So's the natural order of things, you'd think, but since you're not talking about an actual beast, I would think the thought of a natural death would be an important one to talk about.

It twists itself around your neck
and finds your ear
and settles there - another lair
until it grows, and then it goes
It goes and goes This entire part feels rather superfluous. It's swallowed you whole, it's been buried in your chest: it doesn't have to move a third time just to be attached to you. Now, this could be a third movement, sure, but then, since it's just a variation on the earlier stanza's core idea, and not anything new or really interesting (there's a hint, though: round the neck and in the ear, choking there and whisp'ring here, slith'ring tongue and teeth of fear, something like that). And that last part -- goes and goes and goes. So what? So it goes-- everything goes, either dying or living. There's not much poetry in just saying that: the point is you have to make that going sound special, look new, feel profound: so poetry goes!

Also, this:
[Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Vl1m5FYlAo]

Hi Spherical,

I read this poem as being about a panic attack. I really like the way you captured the anxious nature of panic in a humorous/playful way. I have a few suggestions in line below.

A worry grows
It goes and goes
It stacks in rows like dominoes


It slithers, too - come-hithers you      Do you need a comma here? I think it trips up the rhythm of the poem
Encapsulates you like a tomb  Encapsulates you in a tomb might fit the rhythm better, but then again that may change your meaning
It swallows limbs                             This line and the next three really captured the essence of a panic attack to me.
and finds its way into your chest and makes a nest I think some changes need to be made here for the rhythm to make sense. It seems off
and burrows deep
and sleeps and grows and grows and sleeps
until it goes


It twists itself around your neck
and finds your ear              I like the way you describe the worry here. I can hear the overwhelming anxious thoughts
and settles there - another lair
until it grows, and then it goes
It goes and goes