Who is the one, who twists my soul?
With wicked deed, or so it seems
Who makes a knot, so thick and tight?
That makes me cringe, in fear and fright
And laughs to me, without respite
It’s nothing dear, I love just you
Her wicked acts, aren’t that at all
It's only I, who makes me fall

She’s pure and true, with darkest eyes
Yet with accusations, me! I say she lies.
She has no fault, of which I blame
Though bears the brunt, of taunts and slander
As, through minefield
After minefield, I meander
Though I make her cry in pain
With words of bitterness and rage
She forgives me, time, and time again
This one, I wrongly call "the temptress"

I hear her tender tones, of calm
And then, like some demented fool
I scream, shout and pay
This sweet thing, with abuse
She takes it, dies a little more
And keeps me hanging, on her arm
She loves me and she shows it too

She always makes me smile and kiss
Shows me how I’ve been remiss
Now I’ve come to realize
That if I make her die
Like, she does on many days
With piece by broken piece of heart
It's I. who has the fault within
Not her, this princess without sin

Who is the one I talk about?
She is rainbow, staunch and proud
She makes me smile, and laugh aloud
Smothers me with love and lust
When in my tantrum, I withdraw

She is all I ever need, and yet I push
make her squirm, as words I use
Destroy her mind and soul
Though with this poem, love and care
With tender words of heart
May I show I know my crime?
And ask forgiveness.......

Thanks for the poem Billy. I like this touching take on a love poem, how passion is simultaneously purifying and painful and confusing. You asked for a bit of solid feedback, so here goes:

Quote:Who is the one, who twists my soul?
With wicked deed, or so it seems
Who makes a knot, so thick and tight?
That makes me cringe, in fear and fright
And laughs to me, without respite
It’s nothing dear, I love just you
Her wicked acts, aren’t that at all
It's only I, who makes me fall

I think you could take out some of the comma’s you’ve used, ones that you’ll find are not grammatically necessary. If you read through the entire poem I’ll sure you’ll find the same problem, punctuation marks that you wouldn’t really miss if removed. The sixth line sounds a bit awkward to me, particularly “I love just you” where the cadence of the poem trips… is this meant to be a quote from ‘Her’, the woman you describe? Maybe it can be tweaked. In the 7th line, perhaps you can replace the word wicked with another synonym so as not to overuse it.

She’s pure and true, with darkest eyes
Yet with accusations, me! I say she lies.
She has no fault, of which I blame
Though bears the brunt, of taunts and slander
As, through minefield
After minefield, I meander
Though I make her cry in pain
With words of bitterness and rage
She forgives me, time, and time again
This one, I wrongly call "the temptress"

The 2nd and 8th line again, I feel, has an odd cadence to it. The 5th and 6th line probably need not be split.

I hear her tender tones, of calm
And then, like some demented fool
I scream, shout and pay
This sweet thing, with abuse
She takes it, dies a little more
And keeps me hanging, on her arm
She loves me and she shows it too

The 3rd and 4th line could probably be contracted to just one line. The last line… perhaps you can rewrite the phrase “she shows it too” because it seems oddly flat compared to the rest of the poem.

She always makes me smile and kiss
Shows me how I’ve been remiss
Now I’ve come to realize
That if I make her die
Like, she does on many days
With piece by broken piece of heart
It's I. who has the fault within
Not her, this princess without sin

I think the internal rhythm of line 4 and 5 could be improved to match the rest of stanza.

Who is the one I talk about?
She is rainbow, staunch and proud
She makes me smile, and laugh aloud
Smothers me with love and lust
When in my tantrum, I withdraw

I think you can combine this with the final stanza, thus making your introduction of your lady love a centerpiece to the poem. Also, I don’t normally see rainbows described as “staunch and proud”, so maybe you can expound on this image a bit more and play with it.

She is all I ever need, and yet I push
make her squirm, as words I use
Destroy her mind and soul
Though with this poem, love and care
With tender words of heart
May I show I know my crime?
And ask forgiveness.......

It seems in this final rhyme you’ve abandoned the internal rhythm you’ve established throughout the rest of the poem, and it’s a bit jarring. I think if you put a solid rhythm in the hanging, breathless trepidation of the last line would shine more.

(01-07-2010, 11:19 AM)addy Wrote:  Thanks for the poem Billy. I like this touching take on a love poem, how passion is simultaneously purifying and painful and confusing. You asked for a bit of solid feedback, so here goes:

Quote:Who is the one, who twists my soul?
With wicked deed, or so it seems
Who makes a knot, so thick and tight?
That makes me cringe, in fear and fright
And laughs to me, without respite
It’s nothing dear, I love just you
Her wicked acts, aren’t that at all
It's only I, who makes me fall

I think you could take out some of the comma’s you’ve used, ones that you’ll find are not grammatically necessary. If you read through the entire poem I’ll sure you’ll find the same problem, punctuation marks that you wouldn’t really miss if removed. The sixth line sounds a bit awkward to me, particularly “I love just you” where the cadence of the poem trips… is this meant to be a quote from ‘Her’, the woman you describe? Maybe it can be tweaked. In the 7th line, perhaps you can replace the word wicked with another synonym so as not to overuse it.

She’s pure and true, with darkest eyes
Yet with accusations, me! I say she lies.
She has no fault, of which I blame
Though bears the brunt, of taunts and slander
As, through minefield
After minefield, I meander
Though I make her cry in pain
With words of bitterness and rage
She forgives me, time, and time again
This one, I wrongly call "the temptress"

The 2nd and 8th line again, I feel, has an odd cadence to it. The 5th and 6th line probably need not be split.

I hear her tender tones, of calm
And then, like some demented fool
I scream, shout and pay
This sweet thing, with abuse
She takes it, dies a little more
And keeps me hanging, on her arm
She loves me and she shows it too

The 3rd and 4th line could probably be contracted to just one line. The last line… perhaps you can rewrite the phrase “she shows it too” because it seems oddly flat compared to the rest of the poem.

She always makes me smile and kiss
Shows me how I’ve been remiss
Now I’ve come to realize
That if I make her die
Like, she does on many days
With piece by broken piece of heart
It's I. who has the fault within
Not her, this princess without sin

I think the internal rhythm of line 4 and 5 could be improved to match the rest of stanza.

Who is the one I talk about?
She is rainbow, staunch and proud
She makes me smile, and laugh aloud
Smothers me with love and lust
When in my tantrum, I withdraw

I think you can combine this with the final stanza, thus making your introduction of your lady love a centerpiece to the poem. Also, I don’t normally see rainbows described as “staunch and proud”, so maybe you can expound on this image a bit more and play with it.

She is all I ever need, and yet I push
make her squirm, as words I use
Destroy her mind and soul
Though with this poem, love and care
With tender words of heart
May I show I know my crime?
And ask forgiveness.......

It seems in this final rhyme you’ve abandoned the internal rhythm you’ve established throughout the rest of the poem, and it’s a bit jarring. I think if you put a solid rhythm in the hanging, breathless trepidation of the last line would shine more.

i read your response addy

have to admit i see a lot of sense in many of your comments.
i'll definite use most of them in the re-write.
thanks for the feedback, it's always welcome.

the comma's and punctuation scream out now you mention them.

I'd love to see it once it's been edited

(01-11-2010, 02:08 PM)addy Wrote:  I'd love to see it once it's been edited

an edit

Who is the one who twists my soul
with wicked deed or so it seems
who makes a knot so thick and tight
it makes me cringe in fear and fright
and laughs to me without respite
her wayward acts aren’t that at all
it's only I who makes me fall

she’s pure and true with darkest eyes
and still with accusations I let fly
she has no fault or need for pander
though she bears the brunt of slander
as through minefield after minefield I meander
she forgives me time and time again
and all the while I shower her with blame

I hear her tender tones, of calm
and then, like some demented fool
I scream and shout I pay her with excuse
she takes it dies a little more from my abuse
but never tells or shows me I'm bad news
she loves me and she shows it in her deed
to give herself to me her in fateful need

she always makes me smile and kiss
shows me how I’ve been remiss
now I’ve come to realize that if
I make her die as she does in many ways
with piece by broken piece of heart it's I
who has the fault within
not her this princess without sin

who is the one I talk about?
I call her Rainbow, staunch and proud
she makes me smile, and laugh aloud
smothers me with love and lust
when in my tantrums I withdraw
she is all I ever need and yet I push
make her squirms as words I use
destroy her mind and soul
though with this poem, love and care
with tender words of heart
may I show I know my crime?
and ask forgiveness...

I think it really flows better with the edits (though it could be just me ). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)

The internal rhythm is pretty good, but can still be polished to perfection. A good way to do this is to recite the poem to yourself. If it feels natural, then it's good to go

(01-12-2010, 07:47 AM)addy Wrote:  I think it really flows better with the edits (though it could be just me ). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)

The internal rhythm is pretty good, but can still be polished to perfection. A good way to do this is to recite the poem to yourself. If it feels natural, then it's good to go

i'll give it a go later. thanks.

in honesty this was one of the first things i ever wrote and it was more of a personal poem i basically placed it here to show even personal poems shouldn't affect us if they get critiqued. i can openly admit that it's not what i would call a good poem lmao. (personally it's great for me) but as a public poem it's far from good. it isn't my baby that needs love and attention. here it's a poem that needs work-shopping and editing. i'm sure it won't evolve into a great poem. if did it lose it's meaning to me. it could with effort evolve into a decent poem for the reader however. all i have to do is lose a lot of the cliche, make it more of an image. and get rid of olde worlde shit. jmo.

and i'm happy to that.

(01-12-2010, 07:47 AM)addy Wrote:  I think it really flows better with the edits (though it could be just me ). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)

The internal rhythm is pretty good, but can still be polished to perfection. A good way to do this is to recite the poem to yourself. If it feels natural, then it's good to go

Yeah it does flow better, a litle to well in fact.
When a person is consumed mind and soul by the emotion one has for another and there is deep intense good and bad in the scene then there is a bit of FLUSTERING going on and I thought was emotion was subtly apparent in the first draft.

But then again I dont write poems

(01-17-2010, 11:29 AM)Scrufuss Wrote:  

(01-12-2010, 07:47 AM)addy Wrote:  I think it really flows better with the edits (though it could be just me ). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)

The internal rhythm is pretty good, but can still be polished to perfection. A good way to do this is to recite the poem to yourself. If it feels natural, then it's good to go

Yeah it does flow better, a litle to well in fact.
When a person is consumed mind and soul by the emotion one has for another and there is deep intense good and bad in the scene then there is a bit of FLUSTERING going on and I thought was emotion was subtly apparent in the first draft.

But then again I dont write poems

you don't have to write poetry to like, hate, or comment on it :p
thanks for the feedback scrufuss. when i do a full edit i'll take all the feedback given into account.

and it's not the writing of a poem that makes a poet.
try one, i'm sure you'll do okay. put it in the no comment or mild crit forum to get started.

anyway thanks.